It's Always Something

"Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it's always something--if it ain't one thing, it's another." Roseanne Roseannadanna

In my life, it seems to be exactly that, especially since I started college in 2010.  Every semester, I was greeted with a life-altering challenge that would have brought a lesser person to his knees.  Sometimes, I was tempted to look at the heavens and scream, "WHY???  WHY???  WHY???  Why NOW when life is slipping away from me???"  And it continues this semester.  Let me give you an idea of what I've dealt with.

Fall Semester 2010 - Our cat, Shelby, died.  It was in October, in the midst of all the pre-reqs I was taking to get into the Physical Therapist Assistant program at Southwest.  We were all devastated, but that didn't compare to what was to follow in the succeeding months.

Between the fall semester of 2010 and spring semester of 2011, my Gidget died five days before Christmas.  I was crushed.  Next semester please!

Spring 2011 - Another semester of pre-reqs.  Tucker had to be put down due to a spinal injury that made it impossible for him to ever walk again.  The pain lingers.  We still talk about Tucker almost every day. 

Summer 2011 - I was turned down for the PTA program and had to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  I decided to finish my Associates' Degree and took more classes that are needed to get a bachelor's degree in Tennessee. Then Sophie died unexpectedly in my arms on July 23.  She was only 11 months old.  In case you're counting, that's 4 fur children in 9 months.

Fall 2011 - No more fur children died.  Thank goodness.  But we were still reeling from it.  Despite it all, I had attended all my classes and kept up my grades.  Steve's boss is making our lives hell with cutting his salary and then losing health care.  I still hate that man and wish him all the evil he has visited upon us and everyone else he has screwed.  We rescued a pregnant dog which was brought to the shelter in the trunk of a car.  Great people we have down here... in the TRUNK of a CAR!!!  She was emaciated.  I fed her 4 times a day to get her strength up.  Five days later, she gave birth to 7 wonderful, healthy puppies.  The first one left in November, to a lot of tears.  The others followed in a couple of weeks, but we kept Toby and Bella, the mom.

Spring 2012 - We lost the website due to Steve's boss' conniving ways.  I graduated with my Associates' Degree and was accepted into the University of Memphis.  I decided to choose nursing as my profession.  I chose wrong.  Steve's salary was cut again for the third time.  I was encouraging him to find something else.  In the meantime, the scumbag who ripped me out of the expenses for the puppies, decided to accuse me of stealing checks from her (which was the farthest from the truth you can get), and she sued me.  She had people lie for her and the judge believed her.  That is the last time I help someone out.  They can all fend for themselves.  Blocked them all and have a little surprise for the instigator of it just before we leave Memphis for good.  Revenge is better served up cold.

Summer 2012 - Didn't have any classes, but Steve lost his job of 33 years due to his boss' ego and conniving ways.  We are still recovering.

Fall 2012 - A hellacious semester of nursing school culminated in hemorrhaging, causing a trip to the Emergency Room.  They didn't do anything to help me except keep me a long time and send me home with a pat on my head.  I quit nursing school and vowed to go back to Southwest to see if I could get into the PTA program once again.  I didn't think I would be accepted, so I kept on truckin'.

Spring 2013 - As I said, I didn't think I would be accepted into the PTA program, so this time, I was prepared with a Plan B and a Plan C.  I had started at Concorde's OTA program, and on my very first day, I received a text from Steve, telling me I had a certified letter from Southwest.  My response was to tear that sucker open and don't make me wait!  His next text said "Congratulations!  You were accepted!"  I waited until the end of class and left Concorde, never to look back.  In the meantime, Jason's trusty Toyota pickup truck took a dump and was gone forever and the former bookkeeper from Steve's former job lied during a deposition and we had to dismiss the case.  She'll get hers.

Summer 2013 - I started the PTA program, and Steve started a job that has taken a lot out of everyone.  On August 21, two days before the birthday that I never had, and just a few days more before the start of the next semester, Steve was stung in the back of the neck by two yellowjackets while on the job.  He passed out behind the wheel and our Maxima was destroyed.  So now we have 1 vehicle, where 6 months ago, we had 3.  We have no money to get another one.

Fall 2013 - This semester seems to be the worst thus far.  Firstly, Steve's job is taking 80 hours a week out of him and throwing our household into turmoil.  First, it doesn't pay the bills.  Second, we have 3 people who have to go to different locations every day.  Jason is looking for a job, so occasionally he has to go on an interview, which means more complications in our traffic situation.  Secondly,  It took 3 months for Southwest to get my financial aid in order.  I wasted a lot of time waiting in line at the financial aid office.  Lastly, I have to have surgery on October 11, right in the middle of my semester.  I can't miss any days, so it is being done over my fall break.

I keep wondering when life is going to smooth out for me.  I have other plans for my life than what I have been presented with here.  It's been a real joy (sic) to have to deal with all of this.  Sometimes I wonder if this is meant to scare me off (of school) or to see how badly I want it.  But it's always something, isn't it, Roseanne?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Once Upon a Lifetime Ago

Where to start...

Things have gone terribly wrong in the last 12 years.  I have been sitting here, trying to remember the last time I was happy... the last time I was really, truly, incandescently happy.  Know what?  I'm going to have to dig down deep for that one.  Let me tell you why.

I love snow.  Love it.  I loved it when I lived up north, and still love it even though I live in the south.  I have missed regular snowfalls for over 30 years.  I miss that period of time when the body slows down at night and says "For goodness sake, please climb under a comforter and close your eyes."  I miss sleeping deeply and I miss waking up refreshed.  I sleep best when there is snow on the ground.  Snow rarely visits where I live, so I haven't slept well in over 30 years.

The issue with my inability to sleep began when I moved down here.  If that were the only thing bothering me, it would still be a lot, but there is more.  I find Memphis to be a very hostile place to live.  For anyone.  The women are backstabbers and the men are boorish.  I have found very few people here that I would care to associate with on my own time.  There are the "haves" and the "have nots."  Period.  There isn't that wonderful mix of everyone trying to get along like you have in Chicago.  In my hometown, if you don't help people out, your car will sit on the ice and no one will care if you have to get to an appointment.  Here, it's every man/woman for themselves and screw everyone else.  Nice.

This is not to say that there are NO kind people down here.  I have found a Homesteading Group that I enjoy.  Most of them have the same values that I do, and we patronize each others' homemade goods.  We sell, barter and trade.  I do enjoy that.  I do not enjoy "no-shows".  I feel sorry for them because I keep a list of who has been a no-show and they will never get to buy from me.  Their loss, not mine.  I don't deal with people who stand me up... not even once.  But the majority of the homesteaders are not like that, and I enjoy not only selling and bartering with them, but I look forward to reading their posts and seeing what they are offering as well.

That said, there is a really raw element down here that I am not comfortable with, and will be leaving just as soon as possible when I'm done with school.  Have I mentioned that I'm sick of being in school?  Not yet?  Okay, I'll come back to that.  The element I'm talking about is the low-down, dirty, egg-sucking dogs that think they can do anything to anyone and it's just fine, thank you very much.  You people don't deserve to live.  You don't even deserve to walk in my shadow.  I'm so much better than you and I'll be glad to leave you behind.  You don't take care of your houses and you expect the world to support you.  No, you expect the world to bow down, kiss your ass and then willingly hand over everything we have worked so hard for.  Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like Congress.  But I digress, thankfully.

Yes, I'm tired of being in school.  I'm tired of pushing so hard.  My brain hurts.  I still have 8 months of this to go.  I hope I make it through, but I'm not even sure that I want to go into this profession anymore.  However, I don't have time for any more do-overs, so I'm going to stick this out and hope for the best... IF financial aid will ever fix my account.  What does it take... an act of God to get it worked out???  I've never had this much trouble getting it arranged and posted before.  I don't know who is to blame here... the University of Memphis for their "stellar" customer service in getting my transcript sent over, or Southwest Tennessee Community College for their "sitting on my brain" mentality.  Wish I had a job like that where I could just ignore everything and everyone.  No, I don't.  They can have it.

So when did it all go so terribly wrong?  Hm.  Twelve years ago, my grandmother and my mother were both alive.  My brother was still alive.  I had not yet gotten sick, but I guess I have to go back even farther than that to find the root of all of this.  I know that I miss the north, and I miss the northwoods.  If and when I ever get there, I will never look back.  I think the secret to being happy is to be the place you want to be and not have to constantly struggle to get there.  If you are living where you want to live, any other issues that come up are merely annoyances.  I have always said that I didn't know if I wanted to live in Chicago and wish I was in the northwoods or live in the northwoods and wish I was in Chicago.  I think if you are where your thoughts drift to, then there is a kind of peaceful completion in your soul, and you can go on to do great things.  Or not.  Just be.

That's me.  I want to just be.  I want to leave it all behind and go watch the northern lights come out at night.  I want to sit at the lakeshore with my morning cup of java and listen to the lake wake up.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to feel love in my soul again.  I want to enjoy music again.  Most of all, I want to just be.  Once upon a lifetime ago... I could do just that.  Simplicity.  Peace.  Silence.  That's just a little something I'm working on, so be gentle with me.  I'm doing the best I can.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

School Daze and The Lone Car Blues

Life has been tough since we lost our Maxima in a car accident a few weeks ago, but indulge me as I ponder the complexities we now face. Having only one set of wheels, when at this time last year we had three sets, is difficult on so many levels. 

Being without wheels has taken an enormous toll on my ability to participate in study groups and extra activities at school.  It's not that I want to participate really, as the classwork and studying takes about all the energy I have.  I study late into the night (an unknown for me) and then I go to bed, only to start it all over again in the morning.  Someone has to drive me to class in the morning, five days a week.  And someone has to drive me home.  Most of the time, Steve comes to get me, but that takes away from his new job and I feel bad about that.  Sometimes I stay to work on techniques that I have to learn for practicals.  I have a great lab partner that brings me home when we stay to work.  But that's not the end of it.

Rhys has to get to and from school as well.  He is on another campus in town, and his schedule is completely different from mine, so it's another delivery and pickup that Steve has to take care of.  That means more time away from his new job.  Then there is the matter of Jason looking for a job.  If he needs to go to an interview, it throws another monkey wrench into the mix.  Jason also ran all of the errands during the day when we had another vehicle.  That can't happen now, so it's being done in the evenings and on weekends.  It's an unusual circumstance for us and one I'm not enjoying.  You see, I get the brunt of everyone's frustration when I walk through the door.  


I'm not being blamed for our lack of a car, but when everyone feels free to dump on me, it makes it very difficult for me to focus on what I have to do.  Have I mentioned that my financial aid is STILL being held up because either:  The University of Memphis is STILL holding onto my transcript or the financial aid office at Southwest is doing their usual "sit on your brains" exercise.  What to do, what to do. 

I wish there was an easy answer for this.  We don't have money for another car and no way to pay back a loan if we took one out.  I have only 2 weeks until I have to make some kind of payment on my account at college, and financial aid should have taken care of it already, but here I am still waiting for it.  The only answer I have right now is that I have to stay in school or nothing will ever change.  We will never be able to move north and get that cottage on a lake, and we will have to stay here, with low pay and less than optimal working conditions.  Somehow it all has to work out.  I don't have any real answers, except to keep on plugging.  I need some help though.  Are you listening, God?

So here I am, trying to work through my frustrations without taking them out on anyone.  It's tough because not only do I not have anyone I can dump on, but I have to be the pillar that my family needs AND keep going in school.  I don't have much longer... just until the end of May and then taking my board exam in July.  But it's the getting there that is working against me.  Financial aid is a real problem right now and if that were resolved, that would be a major stressor off me.  Exams, practicals and assignments are all stressors as well, and I am doing the best I can to make all the pieces come together. 

All I can do is try.  And I am.  There is an exam tomorrow morning and I'm as prepared as I can be for right now.   I have a policy that I stop studying the night before an exam and give myself some time off to relax.  Then I go to bed early and get a good night's sleep.  I get up either around 3am or 4am, depending on how I feel.  Then I study for about another hour or so and get ready to do battle.  It's worked in the past, and all I can do is hope it works this time too.  But it sure wouldn't hurt to have an angel on my shoulder tomorrow.  Are you listening, God?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Angels Among Us

I believe.  Yes, I believe in angels.

We've had it rough for the past 10 years, my family and I.  There have been family losses, job losses and opportunity losses.  We've had health challenges, financial challenges and emotional challenges.  Most people would not have come through all of this in one piece.  But we are not most people, and we are protected by angels.

Yes, I believe in angels.  If there was ever any doubt, it vanished last week when my husband had a life-threatening event and almost lost his life. Wednesday started out as any normal day.  Well, as normal as they could be since Steve started his new job.  This job has put us on different schedules and has become taxing on all of us.  Anyway, I said goodbye that morning with a kiss and my usual "have a good day."  What I didn't realize is that everything that matters to you can be taken away in the blink of an eye. 

Wednesday was three days until the start of classes, and I was looking forward (sic) to sitting in the financial aid melting pot for 3 1/2 hours.  Once finished, I was on my way to getting my parking decal renewed, when I received a call from a number I didn't recognize.  Normally, I will let those go to voice mail, but the prefix on the number had me thinking that it could have something to do with school, so I picked up.  What I heard next was not what I expected.

The voice at the other end of the phone was from someone at the Trauma Center telling me that my husband of 30 years had been in an accident and was in their care.  I was strangely calm, as if this was something planned and expected.  I listened as he explained what happened and my only question was "Is he alive?"  The answer was yes, and he was alert and somewhat oriented.  I could speak to him if I wished.  Well, hell YES I want to speak to him!  It was then that the story started to piece together.

Steve told me that he was at a client's house on the front porch when he was stung in the back of the neck by two yellow jackets.  Steve is deathly allergic to those stings, but I was still unprepared for what he told me.  He got in the car, started to drive, and about 3 blocks later, started to lose his vision and decided to pull over and call me.  Thank God that didn't happen.  Let me explain.

If Steve had been successful in pulling the car over and putting it in Park, no one would know that there was anything wrong and he would have died.  His blood pressure had dropped and he went into anaphylactic shock behind the wheel.  Since he did not get it to park, the car hit a telephone pole at what must have been a good clip, because it was severed into 3 pieces.  The windshield was smashed.  The radiator and fan flew out the front of the grill.  The muffler and exhaust pipes hit the ground.  The airbags deployed.  The car stopped.  If it had not happened or no one was there to see it happen, my husband would not have lived.  But this happened right in front of a school and there were a lot of people around him immediately.  Yes, I believe in angels.  If this had happened a half hour later, the children and parents would have been there and only heaven knows what kind of toll this accident would have taken on them. 

I believe that everything happened exactly as it should have for him to be alive.  There were people around him immediately, helping him and calling for help.  There were 6 ambulances and 2 firetrucks there almost immediately.  The accident happened close to The Med and the Elvis Presley Trauma Center, and that is where he was taken.  We just got health insurance a few weeks prior, and he has workmen's compensation because this happened while he was on the job.  He should have internal injuries or broken bones, but he does not.  Yes, I believe in angels.

Who else but an angel could have saved my husband from death by helping him to hit a telephone pole instead of letting him park the car?  His car protected him from serious injury.  (He is, however, still suffering with deep bruises and the pain from the airbags hitting his chest.)  The angels who came to his aid got help to him immediately.  The angels who manned the ambulances got him stabilized and safely to the Trauma Center.  The angels at the Trauma Center took care of him until he was released to go home, and they made sure I was cared for as well.  So, yes, I believe in angels.

If there was ever any doubt, take a look at the pictures I took of what is left of our Maxima.  The car is a total loss because there was no collision insurance on it, but it has forced us to make changes in our lives.  Look at that car and then tell me I'm wrong.  I have good reason to believe in angels.  Whether human or celestial, they saved my husband and gave me back my marriage, my focus and my perspective.  Yes, there are angels among us.  Sometimes they wear wings.  At other times, they wear scrubs.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

 P.S.  Thank you, Maxima, for your years of dedicated service to my family.  We will miss you.

Sometimes I Think... Other Times I Weep

I don't know why, but while I was watching tv tonight, I felt a little weepy.  I fought back the urge and realized how very tired I am.  I have had an exhausting 10 or 11 weeks.  I spent most of the time in school, in a program that I really want to be in.  But with that comes a great deal of jockeying in the household, not all of it good.

My family has had to take over everything during my summer semester.  That's an unusual thing for me to let happen.  Usually, I am the person who takes care of everyone and everything.  And even though I am still "directing traffic" so to speak, it still feels like I am letting my family down by having them cover the bases in my absence.  Now that I am on my summer break, I am catching up on all the myriad of chores I have let slip during my school days.

I'm a week into my summer break and still I have not had a rest.  Maybe that was the reason for my weepiness earlier today.  During this past week, I have been mending quilts, re-covering my dining room chairs and making kielbasa.  I see postings from other people about how they are going out and "partying", and I am still working.  It's not that I mind the work; it's just that sometimes I would like a respite from it. I never get to go fishing anymore.  I never get to go out, and I only visit people when it's forced upon me, because I'm just too busy to do it otherwise.  I don't even have time to call a friend back when she has left me a message several days ago.

I look at the plans I have for my life and realize that it's slipping away.  When I was making the sausage this week, I couldn't help but think of my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, my godmother and godfather, and all the other relatives that left this life too soon.  I thought of them doing the very same thing that I was doing right then:  making sausage.  To my knowledge, I am the only person in the family to carry on their tradition of making authentic Polish food by hand, in the old-fashioned way.  I smile at the thought, but then I think of the life my grandfather would have liked to have, and wonder if I have regressed instead of going forward, as he might have wanted me to do.  I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do, or am I just tired?

When I am tired, I get weepy.  Tonight is one of those times.  I know that I need a good long rest, and I wonder if I will ever get it.  Does everyone feel this way or is this something that only I am feeling?  In these times of reflection, I think way too deeply for my state of mind.  I am missing my family, and there is nothing I can do except go through it.  There are times that I feel like giving up, but what would that get me?  Just more unfulfilled hopes and dreams, so onward I go.  Maybe this is how my grandfather felt when cancer was taking his strength.  Maybe I am supposed to keep on fighting.  Maybe.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

101 Things To Do Over My Summer Break

Okay, so maybe I don't have 101 things to do, but I can get darned close if I try.  Today is my last day of the summer semester, and it has been eye-opening, so let's start with that. This past semester held some revelations for me:

Firstly, I had a "friend" whose true self manifested during this semester, and I have decided to do without her in my life.  It's not that I couldn't tolerate her behavior, but I choose to only have stable people in the Third Act.  Everyone has their ups and downs, but this one needs to be on Ritalin.  Enough!

Secondly, I really AM as smart as I think I am, and am hoping that I will advance to the next stage of the program to prove it to myself.  My gut tells me that I will advance, but there is always that chance that I won't.  We'll see.  Grades come out next week.

Thirdly, I have decided that if I don't make it through the program, I am not going to continue in school.  At that point, I feel like I would be beating a dead horse, and for what?  My kielbasa business is doing well, and I can focus on that.  So, no more school after this unless I make it through, and then I will go on to OT school.

Now with all that being said, today I have my last exam and a field trip to a burn unit.  I am looking forward to being done so I can focus on other things.  My house has gone to hell over the last 10 weeks, and I am going to get that back in order.  So, here's my list of what I can expect of myself in the next 3 weeks.

1.  Get old armoire and turn it into a quilt cabinet.  Actually, I have this one under control.  I am picking up the armoire tomorrow.  Granted, I have to rent a truck to do it, but it will get done.

2.  Make 100 pounds of kielbasa.  I have pre-orders of 32 pounds for this batch, but I am sure as these clients spread the word, more are on the way.  I have given out "tastes" of cooked kielbasa to several clients, with rave reviews.

3.  Get back on my diet and exercise!  This is a biggie.  It can't wait any longer.  I have my kitchen in order, so I can plan many nutritious meals.  A combination of great meals and progressive exercise will result in a loss of 3% bodyfat in the next 3 weeks.  That's what I'm shooting for.  Also, I want to make it a habit again.  I'm tired of exercise falling by the wayside and my health suffering for it.  So Step #1 will be to plan my fat attack on paper (tonight), and to take my measurements tomorrow morning.  I hate to see what kind of damage has been done to my body, but after I take the measurements, I will put that piece of paper away until I take them again.  No use in stressing about it.  Just suck it up, soldier, and move on.

4.  Mending, mending, mending... I have so much of it that I have to put it on the list or it won't get done.

5.  Re-cover 2 dining room chairs.  I can do it myself, and have in the past.  So 2 will get covered.

6.  Move more monkey grass.  I have been moving monkey grass to cover a very barren piece of our property.  The oak tree soaks up any nutrients in that area, and the only thing I know for sure that I can't kill is monkey grass.  So I will move some more of those buggers and hope for the best.

7.  Get to know my guitar again.  I just had my guitar worked on so it will be easier for me to play, and I want to take full advantage of it.  I need it after this semester of killing my brain cells.

8.  Get some watch batteries.  I have lots of watches, and almost all of them need a new battery.  Geesh.

9.  Get new lights for the front of the house.  The old ones look pitiful.  Time for some new friends.

10.  Refresh your memory on kinesiology.

I guess that's not 101, but only 10, but it's 10 big ones.  Anyone who wants me to make myself nuts coming up with the other 91 things, can write me.  I'm sure I can come up with something inane and useless.


Wish I could just take a vacation...

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Life on the Upswing

Looking back on my last post, I realized that I had better do an update or people will think I've jumped off the planet in search of greener horizons.  We have had a very rough ride in the last 10 months, but it looks like the fog is finally beginning to lift, and it is time to take stock of where we were 10 months ago, how far we have come, and where we are going.

A little background...

My dear husband of 30 years was abruptly terminated from his job of 33 years on August 15.  He was given a severance check of two weeks' salary with not a by-your-leave or a kiss-my-butt.  Looking back on it, he WAS given the kiss-my-butt when they refused to give him his unpaid vacation pay, which was to roll-over from year to year, as in their company policy... the company policy that they denied existed.  We decided to sue over the matter, and apparently, the truth can be bought, because their bookkeeper who wrote the policy lied under oath against my husband.  How quaint.  This is the same woman who spent her entire salary at the casinos, and filed for bankruptcy three times.  To say she was bought-off would be a well-placed educated guess.  I am sure that karma will catch up to them all in one way or another, and although I would love to say that I would like to be there when it does, I really don't.  Karma can be really ugly at times, and I don't want to be anywhere nearby when it rears its vengeful head at the "evil-doers", its characteristic three times for every wrong.  Good luck with that.

But I digress...  Where was I going with this?  Oh yes.  That's where we were.  Back on point.

As of May 12, 2013, we have three college graduates in the house.  Jason now has his Bachelors in Professional Studies along with his Associate of Applied Science in Information Technology.  It was a long road for him, and I am extremely proud of his accomplishment.  It took 10 years for him to escape the University of Memphis intact.  He's awesome.  I hope he knows that.  He is now looking for work as a programmer, so any of you tech-heads out there, keep a watchful eye out for this up and coming star!  He's coming for your job!  Ha ha.  A mother's pride.

Rhys now has his Associate of Science in General Studies and is going forward with his plans for Business Administration/Management.  Again, a very long road, but he has had the support of his family and sometimes the threat of a size 10 boot up the butt to keep him heading in the right direction.  This is the guy that his kindergarten teacher wanted to put on Ritalin because she didn't want to deal with a child who didn't know he had to sit in a chair for six hours a day.  What does she know?  I didn't let it happen.  This is the guy that his third grade teacher wanted to hold back so he could be a leader instead of a follower.  What does she know?  I didn't let it happen.  This is the guy that was shot in the back of his head while he sat in his Spanish class in high school.  I didn't put him back in the same situation.  This is the guy who never met a stranger and will be an asset to the life experience of anyone he encounters.  He has excelled even though his school experiences have not exactly been the gentle life I would have wanted for this exceptional man.  An awesome guy.  I hope he knows that and keeps on truckin'. 

Steve has landed a job after a 10 month search.  It's not the job he wants, but I am extremely proud of his willingness to step outside of his comfort zone to take care of his family.  And it may very well turn out to be something that he will love once he gets going.  I just want him to be happy.  One way or the other, he will be.  It's only for a year.  He doesn't have to work anymore after that if he doesn't want to.  There.  I've said it.  Eat your hearts out, all of you who are suffering with delusions of retiring early.  My husband will be able to do that.  How is that, you ask?  That's in the next paragraph.

I graduated from Southwest with my Associate of Science in General Studies and was uncertain of my path when I was turned down for a program I really wanted to be in and then made a HUGE mistake by going into nursing school at the University of Memphis.  I had to make a life decision, and fast.  I hate having to make life decisions on the fly.  It's not that I can't do it, but I would rather have the time to do the legwork and come up with a plan rather than think as quickly as I have to sometimes.  I went to Concorde to inquire about their PTA program.  They talked me into OTA.  In the meantime, Steve and a friend of mine talked me into applying at Southwest for their PTA program again.  Couldn't hurt, but I also did myself a favor by keeping my options open for OT at the University of Tennessee.

What ended up happening is a comedy in itself.  I was waiting for word from Southwest, but had to start the OTA program at Concorde.  I was in the very first class on the very first day, and got a text from Steve telling me that I had a certified letter from Southwest.  I told him to open it and he told me "Congratulations!  You have been accepted!"  Wow.  Unexpected.  Now I had to make another life decision and fast.  I searched my heart over the next 20 minutes (ha ha) and at the end of class, I said goodbye and knew I was going back to Southwest.  I felt like I had been on a rollercoaster, got off, threw up and got back on.  Ha ha!  There was a torrential downpour as I left Concorde.  I trudged through 4 inches of water to my car, but I didn't even realize my feet were wet.  So this is what it feels like to be happy.  No, this is what it feels like to be elated!  I have just finished my first full week of the program, and although it's only been a week, it feels like I've been there much longer.  We have covered a lot of ground, and my first exam (Kinesiology) is next week.  God help me!

So... where are we now?  On the upswing is the quickest answer.  After years of being tormented by Steve's former employer, we have hope.  The boys are doing well with their goals.  Steve is doing well with his.  I am doing well with mine.  We went from being almost destitute to having a bright future ahead.  It's been a long road, and there are a lot of people who have to answer for what they did to my family.  But we have survived.  And we have endured.  Now we will prosper.  Take THAT, Karma!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The Parable of the Parakeet

I had a dream last night about a wild parakeet.  She was blue with white markings and loved flying around and singing.  She took a wrong turn one day and ended up inside a house.  The house looked suspiciously like the one I live in.  The owner of the house caught the parakeet in his cupped hands and put her inside a cage so she wouldn't get hurt.  She screamed in protest and flapped her wings wildly once inside.  When the keeper brought water and food, she bit the hand in a desperate attempt to escape the cage.

It didn't take long before the keeper noticed that the parakeet had stopped flapping her wings.  He went to see the bird up close and she would again attack the cage, trying to gain her freedom.  The keeper moved away from the cage, and the bird settled down.  The next day, the keeper went to check in on the bird and noticed some feathers at the bottom of the cage.  A closer inspection revealed that she had broken her wings trying to escape.  She had also stopped singing.  When the keeper tried to splint the wings, the bird again attacked.  The keeper moved away, hoping his distance from the cage would soothe her.

As the days passed, more feathers appeared at the bottom of the cage.  No song greeted the keeper in the morning.  The once-bright eyes had dulled and it was obvious that the parakeet was suffering.  The keeper brought her a younger parakeet to keep her company and lift her spirits.  Instead, she moved into a corner and buried her head in her broken wings.  She didn't eat or drink what was offered to her and made no interaction with the other bird.  The next day, the parakeet was found dead at the bottom of the cage.  Her once-beautiful feathers were now sparse and broken.  Her dulled eyes were open but her body was stiff.  

It was no surprise to me that the parakeet died after being caged.  The nature of the parakeet is to stretch her wings, fly around and show her delight in song.  When the nature of the bird was compromised, she gave up on life, after giving it all she had.  I am that bird.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

12 Steps for the New Year

New Year's Eve - A time for reflection and for making plans to go forward.  Everyone deserves a second chance, so this year, I have a major resolution in the wings that I have been preparing for in the last week or two. This New Year's Eve, my resolution is to be kind to myself.  It's as simple and as complex as that.  In the past, I have put myself through all kinds of trial in the name of "sacrificing" for the good of others.  This year will be different.

By resolving to be good to myself, I am narrowing my focus down to one thing:  Me.  It is extremely selfish of me to do this, and it's about time!  I have given freely of myself and I will be selfish enough to understand that you cannot pour wine from an empty cup.  I have to take time to refill the cup.  I resolve to put myself first and here are the 12 Steps that I intend to take.

     1.  No longer will I answer the phone or answer texts when it is inconvenient for me. 
          I have set aside a time every day when I will respond to those messages and I will stick to it. 
          My time is very precious and I will only use it to better myself and my goals.  No squandering.

     2.  I will eat well.  I am responsible for taking care of this machine and keeping it in top running order. 
          I will give my body top fuel and I will take my vitamins.  Change happens at the cellular level, and
          I will eat with the knowledge of how what I put in my body changes what goes on in the cells. 

     3.  I will exercise.  If I want the mitochondrion in my cells to have more oxygen, I have to give it
          to them.  If I want them to go through normal life cycles, I have to give them the right fuel. 
          Fat burns in a glucose flame, so I will stoke that furnace.  I will get stronger and more flexible
          as a result.

     4.  I will stick to my planner.  To everything there is a season, and if it isn't in my planner, it isn't going to
          be done.  I function best under deadlines and schedules, so my planner will be filled with all kinds of
          deadlines and schedules.

     5.  I will schedule recreation time.  Since I tend to put this last, I am going to put it higher up on my list. 
          Recreation may be as simple as playing a game or as complex as going on a vacation.

     6.  I will get up, dress up and show up.  It's important that I take care in my appearance and to stay
          current in trends.  This went up on my list this year.

     7.  I will take chances.  Chances are experiences that I will regret not taking. 

     8.   I will take time to laugh.  Laughter is medicine.  'Nuff said.

     9.  I will take quiet time to myself.  Silence is golden and I will use it as such.

   10.  I will guard my sleep like a jealous lover.  Nothing and no one will steal my sleep from me.

   11.  I will devote myself to my studies, knowing that every paper, every deadline and every exam brings
          me closer to my goal.

   12.  I will live my life according to how I want to live it, not how others expect me to live it. 
          I will eliminate whiners, energy vampires and negative people from my life.

Remolding my life is an easy task, but yet a complex one, and not everyone is going to understand when I start to devote more of my time to me.  But this is a new year, and it's going to be MY year, so everybody stand aside!  There's a storm coming and her name is Hurricane Lynn!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Winding Down My Thank You's

I am up early... again.  I intended to sleep in this morning, but mornings are the best part of my day, when no one is awake yet and the quiet of the house helps me to center myself.  My morning coffee brings me comfort, and the silence is the most welcome part of my day, allowing me to gather my thoughts.  This semester is almost over... finally.  I don't think I have ever been so happy to see a semester end.  This one has particularly horrid:  nursing school.

I think they try to kill you during the first semester.  I say that because it's the only one I will go through. A good friend of mine told me something that last day of my pre-lab:  "These are the two WORST years of your life."  Considering all that I've been through in my 50+ years, I had to reconsider this path.  I don't want to spend the next two years in hell, after all, does any one of us even know if we will live another two years?  I certainly don't, and the chance of me passing away before my classmates is pretty high.  So... I decided to swallow my pride and change directions.  What I didn't expect and should have, is that my classmates would begin to ostracize me early on.

I have met some pretty awesome people this semester, and I have met some really rotten ones.  The people that surprise me are the ones I didn't think much of in the beginning, but have proven themselves to be worth my time, and the ones that I thought were worth my time turned out to be least worthy.  Interesting turn of events.  Perhaps they were only putting on a good face because they thought they would have to deal with me during the whole course of their nursing school experience.  Maybe.  Maybe now they are distancing themselves from me because they want it to be easier on themselves when the semester closes.  I have done it at times myself.  We all make choices, and they will have to live with the consequences of their decisions, just like I do.  It's perfectly whatever.  While I have a quiet moment, I want to take time to remember the experience while it is fresh in my mind and say my thank you's now.

Thank you to those in my class who stood by me during my time with you.  Elizabeth, Anna, Amanda, Jessica (all of you!), Cherish:  I think you are awesome people and will make great nurses.  Thank you to those who proved my initial observation of you to be wrong.  Carla, I didn't like you in the beginning, but am so glad you proved me wrong.  Thank you for being there and for all your encouragement.  I think you will be a great nurse.  Stephen, I'm still not quite sure what to make of you, but thank you for all your help and for making me laugh when I needed it.  To the ladies of my clinical group, I'm sorry you felt you had to distance yourselves from me, but I get it.  To the others... thank you to the ones who were nice to me, and thank you to the ones who didn't take the time to get to know me.  There were valuable lessons I learned from both groups.

Thank you to my family and inner circle for the support you gave me.  As always, you are an invaluable resource of knowledge and revelation for me.  You set me back on track when I felt I was faltering.  I think the most important thing you taught me is self-preservation.  When I am unclear about my path or what is going on around me, I am grateful to have people to light my way.  Thank you for helping me to realize that nothing matters right now except that I put my feet on the right path and enjoy the moments for what they are.

There have been many times this semester when I had to stand back and remember that I am the senior of this group and that most of the people in my class will live on after I'm gone.  It's sad in a way, but I am glad that I lived long enough to be able to see this clearly.  I have had several scares in the past few weeks, and I have to wonder if it's due to the stress or just my aging body.  Maybe it's both.  Whatever the cause, the cure is in front of me, and I am taking hold of it now while I can.  At this time in my life, it's time to soar instead of being tethered.

So on to the next chapter, as soon as finals are over.  I will probably not stick around after the last final, but let those who have bonded rejoice while I slip away.  It's a fitting end.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

New Directions

Yesterday I wrote about quitting.  I have had time to think about it since then, and I have decided that I was absolutely right.  I have decided to follow my passion and go to PTA school instead of nursing.  Thank goodness I'm getting out now.  If I waited until I was further along in the program, I'm afraid I might really hurt someone... like ME!

A year ago, I applied for the PTA program at Southwest.  I had a 4.0 GPA, membership and officer of Phi Theta Kappa, Honors Academy, leadership awards, letters of recommendation, becoming a published author and certifications in personal training.  I had absolutely NO doubt in my mind that I would be accepted.  I was wrong.  I was turned down in favor of students with a 2.2 GPA.  I was hurt.  So were a lot of other people.  There was a big hullaballoo about it.  Other people made a stink.  I didn't say a word. I was just stunned.

I was suddenly left with all of these hopes and dreams that were dashed, and a whole lot of medical pre-req's that I had no idea what to do with.  I didn't want to go into nursing.  I wanted PTA.  Reluctantly, I applied to Loewenberg School of Nursing and was accepted.  I thought I could talk myself into liking it.  I was wrong again.

It isn't what I want.  So after much deliberation, blood, sweat and tears, and after talking it over with my family, I am making a course correction.  I am going to finish up some of these classes that I can't seem to get out of, but I will skip the ones I absolutely hate.  Practicum.  Ugh.  I can't stand it.  I'm not doing one more care plan and I'm not going to pretend anymore. After finishing up some of the other classes, I have decided to take some classes that I actually have an interest in.  Astronomy, Weather and Climate... and then I will be in the PTA program at Concorde. 

I am ecstatic at my decision.  I didn't know it would feel this way, to have that nursing school weight lifted off of me and have my course straightened.  Big thanks to my family for helping me to see it clearly and make an informed decision.  I am happier than I have been in the 8 weeks that I have been in nursing school.  Just knowing that there is an end in sight is major.  I can go about my method of learning and excelling, and then walk away, knowing that I have no regrets. 

What a great way to end a day.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Melting It Down

I'm not a quitter.  I say it over and over again.  To whom?  To me, I guess.  I am more miserable than I have ever been in my life, and that includes the period of time where I was being abused.  I ask myself why I am so miserable; the answer is simple.  I am in nursing school.  This was not my first choice.  I never saw myself as a nurse, and I still don't.  After getting halfway through the first semester, I realized finally that my first meltdown is well underway.

I'm not a quitter.  Is anyone listening?  Certainly not.  Put on the happy face that so many people have come to see on me.  I smile through it all.  Today I'm not smiling; I'm on the verge of tears.  I don't want this much responsibility.  I raised my siblings; I raised my kids.  I basically raised myself.  My husband and I are going through a tough time because his job was snatched out from under him.

I'm not a quitter.  All my life I've done whatever it was that I had to do, told myself whatever lies I had to in order to get through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  And now I'm faced with the possibility that I will, once again, have to tell myself lies in order to survive.  I can't.  That's usually not in my vocabulary:  The word "can't".  Today I have on a shirt that says "I can't" on the front.  Stop right there.  I can't.  Why?  The back of the shirt says "I have clinicals tomorrow."  My heart sinks.

I'm not a quitter.  It's like a mantra to help me get through.  It's a lie.  I know it, and I keep saying it.  What makes this so hard?  Why is it so hard for me to decide what to do?  I have no choices.  I have no options.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I hate clinicals.  This is not for me.  It is for other people who really want it, but not for me.

I'm not a quitter.  There it is again.  I go to class prepared and come out dazed and confused.  I do the best I can and it's not enough.  I don't have it in me to endure this kind of stress.  God bless the ones that do and make it through.  I had two sisters who were nurses.  I have no idea how they did it.  I hope it was what they really wanted.  This is not for the faint of heart.

I'm not a quitter.  I'm not going to tell that lie ever again.  I can quit and be okay with myself.  I can finish the semester, knowing it is the last one, and go on to what I really wanted to do in the first place.  I can, can't I? Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just a quitter.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Brick By Brick

Oh gosh... where to begin?  I have started a new weight training program and having to do all the stats kinda puts me in a blue funk.  I thought the tapes were bad, but then I saw the calipers.  I thought the calipers were bad, and then I saw the pictures. 

I look too much like my mother.  She died 9 years ago from complications of diabetes.  I am seeing her body on me.  What to do, what to do... Yes, I am starting to panic.  I have so little time left on earth and am unsure if I can do what I have to do. 

Oh dear, oh dear... It's such a huge task.  I actually started last week, just to sort of warm up.  I did well for a first week.  My weight went down 4 pounds and my measurements went down quite a bit too.  And it was hard.  Oh dear, was it hard!  When I did the lower body workout, I could barely crawl back in the house, and then I was sore for two days.  This week I have to start ramping it up.  The workouts will be tougher, and I have to count calories.  Oh dear.  When was the last time I counted calories?  Forever ago.

I guess we start at the beginning because there really is no way to start anywhere else.  I started with coffee.  Maybe not the best way to start, but I will get a protein shake when I'm done with my morning workout.  Count those dang calories!  (That's just to remind myself.)  Make tuna salad!  Another reminder.  I bought lots of tuna on sale this week.  Plan dinner.  My third reminder.  I am attempting to cut out all man-made starches.   One treat per day, unless I can do without.  I'm going to try to do without.

I'm not going to post my "Before" pictures here.  Not until I have some progress.  Really, I'm embarrassed.  I know I've had some bad health problems in the past, but that's no excuse.  The truth is, that I stopped caring.  It seemed that no matter how much I cared, no one else did.  Now I am ready to care again.  So I have to do it whether or not anyone else cares. 

So I took my measurements this morning.  I took my blood pressure.  I took the pictures (technically, Steve took them).  Now I have to make good on my promise to myself.  Don't give up, girl!  Yes, you have a long way to go, but remember what Hadrian said about building Rome... "Brick by brick, my good citizens... brick by brick." 

I'm going to go lay my first brick now.  Wish me luck.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Back to the Beginning

After wallowing in a blue funk for a couple of days (read that WEEKS), I am now back and ready to get back in the swing of things.  That's such a cliche'... in the swing of things.  But I guess until August 27, when my brain begins new stimulation, I will resort to cliche's when original thoughts don't come.   August 27 is when I begin a new chapter in my life:  Nursing School.


Nursing School.  The words terrify me.  I've heard stories about women (probably much younger than me) who get overwhelmed and burned out the first semester.  I've heard about the enormous amounts of studying I will have to do and the life I won't have because of it.  I have made all the preparations I can think of and now the only task that remains is to organize my study space so it won't be cluttered.


Good luck with that.  My study space is so cramped that I can barely turn around in it.  It's not really serving me the way I will need it to, so I guess a little reorganizing is in order.  I'll work on that today.  My one really big pet peeve is disorganization.  I really hate it when I can't find something.  I have to be able to put my hands on something the moment I think of it (mostly because I'll forget what I was thinking later... ha ha).  I did a little reorganizing a couple of weeks ago, but I still have a little more to do. 


My idea of a workspace is one that flows.  When I was a secretary (about a hundred years ago), I always made sure my workspace flowed.  If I was on a computer (or God forbid, a typewriter), I had to be able to move objects to my left.  Being ambidextrous, it's important for me to be able to use my left hand.  The present arrangement will not allow that.  So I guess that since this is not the optimal setting for me, I have to figure out yet another arrangement. 


The one thing that I have already had an "AHA" moment about is the window behind me.  The drapes absolutely have to be closed for me to be able to study.  I guess blocking out the world helps.  Another thing that will help is keeping the door to the study closed.  We have recently put in a cat door, so the cats can come and go.  I don't mind that.  Unnecessary, irritating noises have to be dealt with immediately, such as the tinkling of the water flowing into the aquarium from the filter.  The additional quilts and afghans being "stored" in this room have to find another home.  They are stacked on top of one of the dog crates, and I can't stand looking at the clutter.  My desk has already been cleaned out, but the table behind me has to be emptied as well.  Therein lies the problem.


The table has served as an overflow place for everything in this house.  I hate that.  This is my one little corner of the universe and I want it how I want it, so it will serve me well.  With bookshelves that are already overflowing, I'm not sure I know how to find space for everything that's on the table.  It will be great workspace once it's emptied.  It's just a 6 foot long folding table, and I have it covered with an old piece of grey velvet fabric that was once used to show paintings (when I sold paintings).  Of course, one of our cats has decided to puke on it, so that will be washed today, and everything in my work area will be sanitized.


Sounds like I have a tough job ahead of me today.  Some of the tougher things have already been dealt with, such as fitting in workout time.  I made an executive decision to NOT get a priority parking tag so I can park in the best spaces on campus.  That means I will have to walk about a half hour every day to get to class, and a half hour back to my car.  That's a perfect piece of time to count as cardio if I push the walk as fast as I can go.  I won't have as much to carry as most nursing students (eight books for one class... give me a break!) because I will be getting an iPad and buy electronic versions of the textbooks.  I checked with the school, and only one textbook is required in hard copy, so the rest will be on my trusty iPad.  So my load won't be as heavy as it could be, and with weather turning cooler (I hope!), walking will be easier for me than in this heat. And yes, I will walk in the rain.  I am getting a big umbrella that will help keep the water off me and my bag during those monsoons that inevitably come through Memphis.  Winter I can deal with.  I have a long coat, hat, scarf and gloves.  I wish I had boots, but they would be hard to walk in for a half hour at a time.  I'll have to deal with my cross trainers.



The other parts of my workout, strength training and flexibility, have not been scheduled yet.  I am usually my best the first thing in the morning, so I am thinking that it might be best to get up early and not give myself the excuse that I'm too tired.  Or too something.  My back is usually the tightest in the morning, so a little foam rolling, yoga and strength training might be just the thing. 


Then there are the menus and shopping lists... oh dear.  My family has been very good about helping me to make up menus, and we have kept menus from over a year ago, so it is relatively easy to change them up without having to think about it too much.  But the shopping sales at Kroger change every week, and that will be the challenge.  We are on an extremely tight budget with three of us in college at the same time.  I refuse to put us on a ramen diet though, and will do the best I can to make sure we have fresh fruits and vegetables in the house, along with quality protein and whole grains. 


What have I left out?  Housework.  Ugh.  I can tell you right here and now that it won't get done unless someone else wants to step up and do it.  Housework has never been high on my list, due to having a mother that would wake me up on a Saturday morning yelling about how it's time to get up and work.  How pleasant that was.  NOT!  It set the stage for me never wanting to clean house.  I do it only when it's absolutely necessary.  Even then, I get the guys to help because I figure I'm not the only one making the messes, so everyone has to help clean them up.  We are not hoarders by any means, but still it IS nice when the floors get mopped and the furniture dusted. 


So what am I waiting for?  I'm stalling, I know.  Gym first.  Once I get in the gym, I know I have an hour or hour and a half of torture to look forward to.  At least it's time spent that doesn't include the dogs or anything in the house.  Okay, okay.  I'm going.  But maybe just one more cup of coffee...


Nazdrowie'


Paczki Puta

Happily Never After

As a rule, I try not to write when I'm depressed.  Today is an exception because I just can't seem to shake it, and writing is my way to get rid of it.  Usually when I write about what is bothering me, it lends perspective and I can let it go.  I hope that is the case this time.

I am tired of.  Don't ask what.  EVERYTHING!  I'm tired of being bored.  I'm tired of the only entertainment I have is this damn computer.  I'm tired of not being able to go outdoors because it's too damned hot and humid to do anything fun.  I'm tired of not being able to breathe in this crap.

I'm tired of waking up in the same damned house for the past 24 years.  We were supposed to be out of this house 21 years ago.  I'm tired of waking up in Memphis.  I'm tired of trying to sleep and then even having to wake up in the morning.  I'm just tired of.

I'm tired of having so many animals in the house.  I love them all, and wouldn't give one up, but I am tired of all the attention they want all the time.  I give what I can, but then I'm tired of it.  They don't understand, and I can't expect them to.

I'm tired of trying to drag my butt out in the gym (a scant 10 steps away), only to never see anything change.  It's futile.  In days past, when I got in the gym, I saw results.  I don't see them anymore and I'm tired of trying.

I'm tired of this house that I hate falling apart.  I'm tired of nothing ever being done about it unless I start an argument.  I'm tired of living in this same place, on this same damned corner, in this city that I hate.

I'm tired of my husband going to a job he hates.  I'm tired of my sons being such downers that they ruin my usually good mood every day.

I'm tired of trying to make ends meet when there is no visible way to make it happen.  I'm tired of the same old crappy food, my clothes that are in shreds and never having any peace.

I'm tired of people telling me what great people my sister and her husband are, when I know the truth.  What you see is the face they want you to see, people!  They're not showing you who they really are, because most likely, you don't have anything they want to steal!  If you want to spend time with them, make sure you check to see if you still have your wallet.

I'm tired of brown grass.  I've tried to do something about it, but it's futile.  We have brown grass every stinking summer in this city that I hate.  I hate that I don't open the curtains anymore because I don't want to see what's out there.

I'm tired of never having any options.  I'm tired of having to go to school for something that I don't even think I'll be good at, simply because I don't have any choice.  I'm tired of never being able to get away from this crap.

I'm tired of waiting for life to get better.  I don't do "tomorrow" well.  Today is all we have and I don't like what I see.

So what's the answer?  I'm tired of being awake and I'm going back to bed.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Sharing Me In The Face

Most people who follow my blog know that I write to get the poison out.  Please keep that in mind when reading this selection.

A typical Friday schedule for me includes making up a grocery list from the items on sale, conjuring a menu for the week, paying the bills and doing the grocery shopping.  It was unexpected then, when the story of my past came up and slapped me in the face in the form of the cashier at Kroger. Poor girl.  She is 18 years old.  I don't know how we got on the subject, but she shared with me how when she turned 18, her parents told her to get out of their house.  She had no where to go, no money and no job.  That's when it came flooding back to me.

The date was November 1, 1973, one month to the day after .my grandfather died.

I had been abused by my family all my life.  At 18, I had a job, a few articles of clothing, a stereo and an old beater car that my parents had "given" me.  I had a boyfriend, who turned out to be my first husband.  He didn't have a car, so most of our "dates" were at his parents' house, with them in attendance.  We worked at the same place, so it wasn't a big deal to me where we spent time together.  It was a nice innocent relationship until I came home from his house one night to my mother being in one of her common snits.  Those of you who knew my mother know that she was prone to flying off the handle and the handle was usually directed at my head.  So it was, that night, as she started in on me about how I wasn't going to be going over there anymore, but he was going to have to come over to "our" house.  Our house.  I almost choke on the words.  It was never my house until it came time to clean it.  My word back to my mother was simply "okay" and I started up the stairs to my bedroom.

By the time I had put my purse down and taken my coat off, she was screaming at me wasn't I going to go pick up my brother from work.  With my back to her, all I said was "yeah, I guess I am."  The tirade that followed was not to be believed.  Let the screaming commence.  All I wanted was a little sleep, and all I ever got was abused.  She screamed at me for everything since the day I was born to that day.  She told me that if I didn't like it, I could pack my clothes and leave.  I had heard that same phrase from the time I was a young child, and when I was young, I made myself a promise that the first time I heard that phrase after I reached an age where they couldn't bring me back, I would go.  So up the stairs I went, to get my coat and purse.  While I was mechanically going through the motions of putting on my coat, I heard her scream "get her keys."  I walked down the stairs, turned left, waved, said "bye" and left, never to return.  I got in my car and drove over to my boyfriend's house.  I didn't know where else to go.  I really had no where.  I had nothing but the clothes on my back, and I knew I was going to have to go back at some point and pick up my clothes.  But I would never spend another night under my parents' roof.

The next day, after my mother left for work, I went to pick up my clothes.  She had written me a note and left it on the table.  I don't remember much of what she had written except that the gist of it was to have me come home and we'd "talk" about what happened.  I had already heard all the "talking" I ever wanted to hear from them.  "Talking" in their house = manipulation.  I knew I wasn't wanted there.  It was all a smokescreen.  I turned the piece of paper over, and wrote that I wasn't coming back and that it was time for me to leave.  I know I wrote more than that, but I don't remember what else I wrote.  I know that I was paying board, taking care of everything in the house and working full time, all the while being abused by my father.  I'd had enough.  I'd sleep under a bridge if I had to, but I would never spend another night in their house.  I gathered up my clothes and my stereo, put them in "my" car and went back to work.

I stayed at my boyfriend's parents' house for the next week, with their permission.  They were away in Wisconsin at the time, but I wanted to be sure I had their permission before staying there.  They were so good to me.  They were very giving and understood that I had no place to go.  I left my clothes in the car because I was determined to not take too much advantage of their hospitality, and find an apartment as soon as possible.

Apparently, it wasn't soon enough.  A few days later, I got a call at work from my father, telling me that they had taken my car while I was at work, "because we pay the insurance."  What utter bullshit.  They wanted to make me suffer.  Now I had no clothes, no way to go anywhere, and no place to stay.  I asked my boyfriend (now fiance') to get his brother's truck and take me to get my clothes (again).  He did, and when I arrived at my parents' house, my former family piled out onto the lawn and came at me.  While my fiance' was taking my clothes, I turned to my family and said "If the car means so much to you, KEEP IT!"  I threw the keys at them.  We left, but that wasn't the end of it.

The place that I worked (Bee Chemical) was an account that my father serviced for NCR.  He would find any excuse to come there and make trouble for me.  It became apparent that I was going to have to leave Bee if I wanted any peace.  But I was also going to have to do something significant to make my family leave me alone.  So I married my fiance' on a Friday night in December, with only his parents and two witnesses in attendance.  I wore a green and white plaid dress, and had no flowers, no bridesmaids and no reception.  The Wahls (my in-laws) were wonderful to me.  They took us out to dinner after the chapel wedding and treated me like a daughter from Day One.  Betty, my mother-in-law, said I could call her MOM, which could mean My Other Mother, and call Bud DAD for Drunk And Disorderly.  I loved them both so very much for taking me in and loving me so unconditionally, especially when my own parents were so abusive.  I had never known people like the Wahls before, and not many since.  I miss them.

So when this poor cashier told me of her plight, it was all I could do NOT to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would be all right.  After all, she didn't know me, and did I really know it would be all right?  The truth was, I didn't.  Life is a series of traumatic events.  It's been said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  At this rate, I ought to be able to benchpress a Buick.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The Rules

It came to my attention recently that there are some unwritten rules to marriage that should be common knowledge, but are not.  When you embark on the journey called marriage, there are certain expectations that we all have.  However, it is entirely likely that the person you married may not be the same person years later.  In fact, you can count on it.  People change.  Interests change.  Lifestyles change.  The people who grow and change together are really lucky.  The rest of us are not as lucky.  We have to go through conflict after conflict, with no seeming end in sight.  Egos get in the way, health suffers, and things that you never thought would happen, do.  The question here is does a point of no return in a marriage exist, or is it just an endless series of b.s. that becomes clear on some level?  Just how supportive do you have to be when your significant other is self-absorbed and turns to someone other than his partner for guidance?  Shouldn't there be a rule of some kind about that?  Since there are no written rules to guide us, I thought I would put a few down in case someone other than me needs a lift.  So here are what I think should be the rules for marriage.

1.  Remember that the person you married is not the same person 30 years later.  We all get older and having the same expectations at 50 that you had at 20 is just unrealistic and patently unfair.  The world has changed around you, so change with it or be left behind.  Sorry if that's a bit blunt, but it is what it is.

2.  If it doesn't fit the marriage, get rid of it.  That goes for all outside relationships.  The marriage should reign higher than any other relationship with the possible exception of the parent-child relationship.  Children require a different kind of attention, but once their needs are attended to, the marriage comes next above any other.

3.  Be kind to your mate.  As your children are growing up, you are growing older, and your mate is growing older as well.  It's a whole series of frustrations that you didn't necessarily expect or want.  Health begins to decline and I guarantee that your spouse is not going to want to hang from chandeliers in her golden years, so have a heart that includes kindness and realism.

4.  Pull your own weight.  No one deserves to have to shoulder the load for everyone else.  It's okay to say no to someone else's baggage.

5.  Listen to your mate without your ego present.  That means listening with an open mind and open heart.  It's never easy to tell someone you care about that they are making a mistake and it will cost them dearly later on.  So put your ego on hold, or you may find one day that your ego is the only thing you have left and it will not have been worth the struggle.

6.  Pick your battles carefully.  I can't say this enough.  Sometimes the little things add up until they spontaneously combust, but let them go when you can.  Save the fireworks for the big things.

7.  Learn to have hope.  Hope is supreme, especially when the hard times come, as they inevitably do.  When you constantly knock someone's hope to the ground, you have killed a part of their spirit.  Hope is a mainstay and MUST be nurtured.  The spirit shrinks away with every chink you put in their hope, so put a big white light around hope and never let it fade away.

8.  Learn when to walk away.  There are no do-overs.  There are some things that just can't be fixed.  Let them go.

Sounds fairly easy, doesn't it?  I lied.  It's not easy.  In fact, it's damn hard.  But if your years together mean anything to you and if you want your life to make sense, consider the fact that not only is your spouse not perfect, but neither are you.  Maybe we all need a reminder of that now and then.  Just remember that you are partners and your partner's life matters to her as much as your own does to you.  And if all else fails, re-read the rules until you can recite them under anesthesia.     

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The Things We've Seen

     I was watching a local news program this evening, when I heard a story about the very first satellite, that was put into orbit 50 years ago today.  I, incorrectly, guessed that it was Sputnik.  It was not.  It was Telstar, which televised a press conference that included President John F. Kennedy, and was viewed in the (then) Soviet Union.  I decided to do a little research on everything that has happened since the day I was born.

     Dwight D. Eisenhower was president in the year I was born, 1955.  The AFL and CIO unions merged.  UHF television was developed, and Albert Einstein died.  Sugar Ray Robinson won the world boxing championship, and Disneyland opened in Anaheim, California.  Marty, The Seven Year Itch, and The Rose Tattoo topped the box office, while Rock Around the Clock topped the charts along with The Yellow Rose of Texas and Love Is a Many Splendored Thing. 

     In the years that followed, polio was eradicated by a vaccine invented by Dr. Albert Sabin, the first transatlantic telephone cable was launched and Elvis Presley was King.  Grace Kelly became royalty, and the interstate highway system was authorized, thus spurring expansion into the suburbs for the first time.  In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik (HAH!  I was right!) and the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles.  In 1958, national crazes included the "Cha Cha", Barbie dolls and hula hoops. 

     In 1959, Alaska and Hawaii became states, the St. Lawrence Seaway was completed, and Playboy magazine debuted with Marilyn Monroe as the first centerfold.  Wham-O introduced the Frisbee and New York City considered lobbying for statehood.  In 1960, John F. Kennedy was elected President, black students organized a sit-in at lunch cafeteria in North Carolina and Clark Gable died.

     In 1961, President Kennedy established the Peace Corps, the Berlin Wall was constructed and the Dick Van Dyke Show debuted on television.  In 1962, missile bases were discovered in Cuba, John Glenn becomes the first American to achieve orbit and Marilyn Monroe died. 

     1963 ushered in a very turbulent time when two world leaders died.  John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, and Pope John XXIII died in Rome.  Civil war protests continue and Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech, riveting the nation.  The artificial heart was first used in surgery, and the first successful liver transplant was performed.  Audio cassettes were first introduced, and songs like Go Away Little Girl, It's My Party and Blue Velvet topped the charts.

     In 1964, we saw the Beatles debut on the Ed Sullivan Show, as did Gilligan's Island and three civil rights workers were murdered in Mississippi during "Freedom Summer".  The average cost of a house in 1965 was $13,600 and the average income was $6,450.  Gasoline cost 31 cents per gallon and bread was 21 cents per loaf. 

     Succeeding years saw the first successful moon walk, advances in science and medicine, and the birth of the computer and internet.  We have seen runaway inflation, inability to control the government to the point of the government being unable to control itself, and trends in music that went from the energetic to the unthinkable.  We have seen that America is no longer the land of dreams, where immigrants come to begin a new life free of tyranny.  We have seen our civil liberties pushed to the edge and we are starting to see some start to push back.  How long will it be before this country implodes with gasoline upwards of $3.50 per gallon and price gouging?  When did the "freedom" become lost in the Land of the Free?  We were really great once.  I look at this country and see that it is no longer the land that my great-grandparents fought so hard to come to.  It is now a place to run away from.  My family may be next.  When a family can't make it on a very fixed income and all goods and services keep going up, what's a family to do?  I say we go north to a place where we can once again raise our own food on our own land, hunt and fish, and have our own land to do it on.  Where's the "free" in Freedom now? 

     I love my country.  But I am willing to leave it to find something better.  After all, isn't that what my great-grandparents did?  Isn't a better life what we all want?  I, for one, am pondering.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The Things We Aren't... Anymore

     Yesterday, I was blessed to be contacted by an old friend from childhood. This friend was not someone I knew very well, but she knew me well enough to remind me of our childhoods, with both of our fathers working for NCR (National Cash Register) and our respective families going to company picnics and other gatherings. It made me think of all we have lost as a country and how desperately we need to get some of those things back.

     For example, our company held picnics at a local forest preserve, not at a resort or at someone's house. They were unpretentious, as everyone was in the same circumstances and understood that this was a privilege, not an entitlement. We looked forward to those picnics, with unlimited ice cream, hot dogs and cracker jacks, and the games that inevitably followed for both adults and children. Children, of course, won prizes, and I think the adults did too, if memory serves. Adults did things like sack races, egg toss, water balloon toss and horseshoes. We all brought lawn chairs and settled in for a long day of fun. My father's boss, Gene Chalet, would take it upon himself to clean the outhouses the day before the picnic. He said it wasn't beneath him to make sure the outhouses were clean for his employees, and I'm sure he wanted to show that. He always led by example, and I never heard my father or anyone else say a cross word about him. We knew his wife and family, and they knew us.

     My grandparents' companies also treated them well. My grandfather spent his years working for U.S. Steel, and my grandmother worked at American Specialties. Those companies not only held picnics and Christmas parties, but made baseball teams and bowling leagues a part of their employees' existence. It was a way of giving people a life in return for all the employees did for their labor. They understood the sacrifice that employees make when they spend their lifetime dedicated to perhaps the only job they were qualified to do. When my grandfather retired from U.S. Steel, he was given a retirement party, and an award with his 40th year of service. How different that is from today's world.

     Today, I do not see employers appreciating employees as in the past. I see them being brow-beaten and driven to exhaustion with no end in sight. I see pay cuts and health benefits taken away, which was not unheard of in my grandparents' day, but was certainly rare, and pay cuts were done as a reflection of performance. Now it is done as a matter of fact. I see our elders being squeezed out of jobs they have held for a lifetime in favor of new graduates who would work for a lower wage or just to increase profits.  Because they possessed old world values, they never even considered a different job because it would be deemed disloyal. As a result of employers' greed and disregard for the lives of their employees, employees are now reduced to chattel, driven by the verbal whip, and made to feel as if they and their efforts don't matter. No one should ever be made to feel that way. It is an insult to humanity to drive employees to exhaustion while flaunting their personal wealth at their employees' expense.

     So what to do about it? If I had a company, I would most certainly be the exception rather than the rule. Yes, profits are important, but so are people. They are the very legs you stand upon and must be rewarded, not abused. I spent eight years as a department head at the local opera company, and the women who worked for me were well-rewarded. I took on the most difficult performers, i.e., the ones with the biggest egos and kept that stress away from my team. After each closing night, I gave my team a thank you party at a local pub, where all the food and beer were on my dime. There was even a time when I refused a pay increase and asked that the increase be split among "my girls". When I left the opera company, the ladies only stayed around for one season. Having caught up with one of them later on, I asked the reason they didn't stay on and was told, "It wasn't fun anymore without you there." What a wonderful compliment. I guess I did it right.

     There's a lesson here for you, corporate America. You complain that your employees are not loyal to you and yet you give them no reason to be. You take from them without giving in return. You say that having a job should be its own reward, and in a way, you are right. However, if that job does not benefit the employee in his spirit, he will move on to one that does. Let's see you hold onto employees for an entire lifetime. Henry Ford understood what was required when he gave his employees a 40-hour work week instead of working them to death. He knew what it was to come from nothing and make something of his life, and he treated his people well. In return, his employees loved him for it and gave them their trust. Let's see you hold to that standard. I will bet that most of you turn a blind eye to the past, and that is your prerogative. However, remember the old adage that if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. We are repeating it now. Are you learning?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

No Approval Required...?

           The time has come to clear the air on what is and is not acceptable for animal rescues from the South to the Northeast, particularly the New England area. As my readers know, I rescued a pregnant dog from the Tipton County Animal Shelter last September. Five days later, she gave birth to seven wonderful puppies. Through the efforts of a former acquaintance of mine, I was put in contact with someone who would place the dogs in homes in New England. What I did not know, however, is that this person and the entities that she is associated with, are NOT approved by any states in the New England area. Let me explain.

           The puppies were placed into the New England area without the mandatory quarantine periods as required by each state in their own way. Each state has their own regulations, and their own list of approved rescues. There are many reasons for their regulations, one of which is to prevent the spread of unwanted disease, such as parvo. The woman I was dealing with has had parvo in her house in the last month, as evidenced by her bewailing posts on her Facebook page. In the State of Massachusetts alone, there are over 300 complaints against this woman's partners, with a total of 30 of 31 dogs with parvo who died after being transported. One of my puppies contracted parvo on the trip north and, fortunately through the monumental efforts of his family and vet, survived to be a happy, healthy and most beloved family member. None of my dogs have had parvo, so the disease was most definitely contracted on the trip, as he showed signs of it within 3 days of his arrival. Viruses can live up to 3 weeks on surfaces, and although I was assured that the crates are bleached after each trip, if that were true, there would be telltale signs of bleach left behind. There were none.

           Now, on to the states' individual regulations.

Maine - http://www.maine.gov/agriculture/ahi/dog-cat-import.html
New Hampshire - http://www.animallaw.info/statutes/stusnhst466_1_437A_9.htm#s437_10
Vermont - http://www.vermontagriculture.com/fscp/animalHealth/regulations.html
Massachusetts - http://www.animallaw.info/statutes/stusmast136A_175.htm#s138 See Section 138A. http://www.mass.gov/agr/animalhealth/ApprovedEntities.htm
Rhode Island - http://www.dem.ri.gov/pubs/regs/#Agriculture See Section 8.02 in EMERGENCY Rules and Regulations Governing the Importation of Animals (4/18/12)
Connecticut - http://www.ct.gov/doag/cwp/view.asp?a=3767&q=487148

           Be forewarned, animal lovers. There are unscrupulous people who are operating as rescues, even though they are not legitimized by the USDA, and are not "non-profits" as they would have you believe. Non-profits can be verified at http://www.irs.gov. They will say anything to get you to believe them. These people are not in it for the animals, but are in it for profit, and will band together, lying to get what they want. My advice is to check the approved rescues in each state before you agree to operate with any of them.

           In the Memphis area, there is only one rescue that has a legitimate tie to New England, and that is Tipton Treasures in Millington. Tipton Treasures is associated with PAWS New England and is on the list of approved rescues for the State of Massachusetts. There are also unsavory transport companies (truck drivers) who will lie to save their own hide. If you are interested in having an animal transported, your safest bet is to come and pick the animal up yourself. The time spent getting to know your new family member is priceless.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta