The Rules

It came to my attention recently that there are some unwritten rules to marriage that should be common knowledge, but are not.  When you embark on the journey called marriage, there are certain expectations that we all have.  However, it is entirely likely that the person you married may not be the same person years later.  In fact, you can count on it.  People change.  Interests change.  Lifestyles change.  The people who grow and change together are really lucky.  The rest of us are not as lucky.  We have to go through conflict after conflict, with no seeming end in sight.  Egos get in the way, health suffers, and things that you never thought would happen, do.  The question here is does a point of no return in a marriage exist, or is it just an endless series of b.s. that becomes clear on some level?  Just how supportive do you have to be when your significant other is self-absorbed and turns to someone other than his partner for guidance?  Shouldn't there be a rule of some kind about that?  Since there are no written rules to guide us, I thought I would put a few down in case someone other than me needs a lift.  So here are what I think should be the rules for marriage.

1.  Remember that the person you married is not the same person 30 years later.  We all get older and having the same expectations at 50 that you had at 20 is just unrealistic and patently unfair.  The world has changed around you, so change with it or be left behind.  Sorry if that's a bit blunt, but it is what it is.

2.  If it doesn't fit the marriage, get rid of it.  That goes for all outside relationships.  The marriage should reign higher than any other relationship with the possible exception of the parent-child relationship.  Children require a different kind of attention, but once their needs are attended to, the marriage comes next above any other.

3.  Be kind to your mate.  As your children are growing up, you are growing older, and your mate is growing older as well.  It's a whole series of frustrations that you didn't necessarily expect or want.  Health begins to decline and I guarantee that your spouse is not going to want to hang from chandeliers in her golden years, so have a heart that includes kindness and realism.

4.  Pull your own weight.  No one deserves to have to shoulder the load for everyone else.  It's okay to say no to someone else's baggage.

5.  Listen to your mate without your ego present.  That means listening with an open mind and open heart.  It's never easy to tell someone you care about that they are making a mistake and it will cost them dearly later on.  So put your ego on hold, or you may find one day that your ego is the only thing you have left and it will not have been worth the struggle.

6.  Pick your battles carefully.  I can't say this enough.  Sometimes the little things add up until they spontaneously combust, but let them go when you can.  Save the fireworks for the big things.

7.  Learn to have hope.  Hope is supreme, especially when the hard times come, as they inevitably do.  When you constantly knock someone's hope to the ground, you have killed a part of their spirit.  Hope is a mainstay and MUST be nurtured.  The spirit shrinks away with every chink you put in their hope, so put a big white light around hope and never let it fade away.

8.  Learn when to walk away.  There are no do-overs.  There are some things that just can't be fixed.  Let them go.

Sounds fairly easy, doesn't it?  I lied.  It's not easy.  In fact, it's damn hard.  But if your years together mean anything to you and if you want your life to make sense, consider the fact that not only is your spouse not perfect, but neither are you.  Maybe we all need a reminder of that now and then.  Just remember that you are partners and your partner's life matters to her as much as your own does to you.  And if all else fails, re-read the rules until you can recite them under anesthesia.     

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta