Making Friends With Aging

For years now, I have been battling the onset of sudden aging, and to my regret, I am losing the battle. However, in conceding, I must survey the damage to see what has been done and what can changes can be made in the future so as to live the best life.

For example, what can be made of the graying of the hair? Certainly I can and do color it, but wish that it would all go white so I could just let nature take over. I have my mother's white streak on the right side (hers was on the left). If all my hair were gray or white, it would be a badge of honor. But noooooo... mine has decided to come in little spurts. A little here, a little there, a huge streak THERE! So for now, I guess I have to contend with the monthly colorings. Maybe I should just go platinum.

What about wrinkles? Yes, unfortunately, I have them. And they are, of course, right where I don't want them... under my eyes. I would have gladly succumbed to laugh lines (crow's feet), but this is difficult. I have to be very careful how much concealer I put in this area, because too much of it will show the wrinkles further! They don't show on a regular basis, but when I laugh or smile, there they are! So I'm guessing that as my weight goes down, as long as good nutrition and skin care remain the order of the day, this problem will get better. But it's a guess. Maybe I should laugh with my head thrown back so no one notices. They will think "what a great laugh". But what about the dark circles? Unfortunately, this is genetic, and will never go away. My mother had them, as do some of my cousins, and my firstborn son. Whenever I have a sinus infection, the circles deepen. Ugh! Talk about adding insult to injury! Other people tell me they don't notice it, but I notice my skin thinning, as the blue vein under my eyes becomes more pronounced. Thank God for Maybelline.

I notice the elasticity of my skin failing and sagging... Hurry, before my face hits the floor! Losing weight does help a little, as does weight training, which of course I have not started. I am using yoga right now to ease my transition from sedentary to active. Is it working? Well... not on my face. Not yet anyway. It's too soon to tell, since all I've taken off so far is about 7 pounds. But I look at my driver's license, which was renewed only 3 years ago during a period when I was working out heavily, and I look too healthy for words. Scary.

Maybe with the onset of spring weather, I will make the transition complete and add cardio and weight training to my yoga regimen. That's the plan. There are no quick fixes for this. I don't have money for a facelift, nor would I get one if I had it. I will never have a tummy tuck or liposuction. For now I have to sit back and accept that this body of mine is all I've got, whether it works or not, and do the best I can with what I've been given. It's too bad I didn't appreciate good health when I had it. Maybe I can get someone to paint a Dorian Gray portrait of me and that'll make all this go away. Think it'll work? Nah, I didn't think so either.

So will I accept aging and become a funky old lady? What choice do I have? I will still take care of myself and put on a face daily. But you know what I noticed? My makeup doesn't have to be heavy anymore. My hairstyle doesn't have to be severe. My body doesn't have to be perfect. And maybe, just maybe, I'll don hats and wear purple. Maybe I'll get back to some of my hobbies that have been put on a shelf during my years of child-rearing and working in the corporate world. There is value in sewing, quilting and crocheting as a means to achieve peace. And maybe I'll just get a pair of rocking chairs and rock out.

Self-acceptance can be wonderful.

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta

Therapy as a Deterrent to Progress

I haven't written anything since January 12, and here is what I think has been going on in my head.

I began seeing a counselor. Not "seeing"... but seeing (for those of you who think evil thoughts). I wanted to be able to deal with my past so I could go on to a brighter future. However, I feel like just the reverse has happened. Since I went to the counselor the first time, I stopped writing. Well, I had written a blog on the 12th, but it looks like a 12-year-old wrote it. I used to pour my existence into my writing. But after some family conferences in which this was the topic, I decided to pull the plug.

I know where the problem is/was in my life. I know it's not me. But the issue is how I handle things now. I can't change the past, and digging up and breaking open old scabs is not going to help me. Things scab over for a reason. It's so you can grow from your experiences. I can, however, change the hair-triggers that I have had for so many years. There is so much to be experienced yet and so much life to be lived. To continually break open old wounds is counter-productive to the way I want to live the last part of my life. I can choose my reactions. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to succeed. I can choose NOT to put 110% into wherever I am working at the time, and enjoy myself a little more instead of being the company pack mule. So let it be written. So let it be done.

Like Captain Kirk says in the last Star Trek movie... "I want my pain. I NEED my pain. Our pain makes us who we are." What a profound statement. It's not that other people have less pain than I do. But my pain is different from others'. The way I choose to live with my pain is a statement in how deep it has affected me and what kind of person it has made me. Does time and pressure make a diamond? Yes it does. But at what cost? I don't have to be perfect. Thank God.

So my decision is to give myself permission to be happy. I can still grieve for the little girl who had everything taken away from her in one fell swoop, but I can also choose to not let it affect how I treat others, or how I treat myself. I am going to be good to myself. I've earned it.

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta

A New "Do", A New You

It's amazing how a new hairdo can re-energize your outlook. On Saturday, I took the plunge and cut it off! Eight inches! My hair is finally up to my shoulders, and is giving me the impetus to make more changes. I'm working on "making over" the total ME! In making myself over, I decided that I couldn't do what I intended with my health unless I got rid of the hair. So it's gone. And it feels good.

So here I am... working up energy on my new workout and nutrition plan. I refuse to call it a diet. The fact is, it's a nutrition plan that is helping me to feel better than I have in a really long time. A little of this, a little of that... and LOTS of cooking! I don't mind cooking... in fact, I really like it when I have time to do it right. This is a little more than I expected, but this site that I'm using to help me (www.sparkpeople.com) is making it all very easy for me. Not only does it work up a nutrition plan that works, it allows me to print out a grocery list and keep track of my water intake and servings of fruit and veggies, not to mention keeping track of physical activity. I have found a lot of support there, and I'm grateful for it. It's slow-going, but it's working. Three pounds down, and another 67 to go.

It's a very difficult thing to make the decision to take care of yourself and follow through on it. The weight gain over the past 6 years has been abominable. One thing seems to lead to another as well. The weight gain has caused physical problems, and the health issues have led to medications which fuel the weight gain. It's a never-ending downward spiral if you don't stop it in time. That's what I'm doing. Stopping it. NOW. I inherited my mother's body, and I want mine back! My mother spent a lifetime battling morbid obesity and paid the ultimate price in her health. I don't want that to happen to me or anyone in my home. In fact, it should never happen to anyone. I want to be able to walk without pain, to dance, and to have enough strength in my legs to be able to mount a horse. The last time I got up on a horse, I couldn't get up there without help. Even with a boost, my poor husband had to give my behind a shove. How embarrassing! Now I know how my mother felt, not being able to do things that she wanted to do... things that her body wouldn't let her do. It's funny, when I was growing up, my mother used to tell me to watch my weight... that my father had never cared whether she gained weight or not, so she kept putting it on with each child. The result was 235 pounds on a 5'2" frame and a lifetime of health problems.

You don't think about the high price you're going to pay for not taking care of yourself... of putting everyone else first. But it's there... ticking away like a time bomb set to explode at any time. "But I was just busy taking care of everyone else", you say. But it's wrong. Dead wrong. You're drawing from an empty well if you put yourself last. Seeing what obesity did to my own mother makes me want to do more than just lose weight. When I get through this, I want to spend whatever time I have left on this planet helping others who, like me, have to wage this battle. It's uphill all the way, but more than anything, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I will. This time it's for keeps.

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta

Lighting Up The Snow and Winter Fun

We took down the Christmas tree this week. I was really sorry to see it go this year. We had put it up a week late, due to our home being a wreck during the recent redecorating of our office/study and I guess I didn't get my fill of the lights, so I was sorry to see it come down. It's like the light going out of your life (and whatever am I going to put in that dark spot in the living room?) However, we have a way of keeping Christmas in mind through March every year. We leave our lights up outside until after the first snow. Yes, we have snow in Memphis. We just have less of it than say, Chicago, New York or Detroit. We get about 4 inches per year, and if we get it all at once, that's a good snowfall! A snow that big begs to be celebrated. It goes without saying that the city shuts down, due to all the slippin' and slidin' going on on the road. And when it snows those big, wet flakes... ahhhhhhh... there's nothing like it. But I digress.

Snow is big news here. Whenever there is even a HINT of wintry weather coming our way, as was the case TWICE in the past week, you'll hear Dave Brown doing a teaser "Is snow in our forecast? Find out at 5." Uh huh. Most of the time, we don't get it. But when we DO... and it looks like it's going to be a good snowfall... by that I mean that it's the sticking kind, not the "I'm gonna make Memphis look worse wet than it does dry" kind, we hook the extension cord up to the lights that have been patiently waiting since everyone else kicked their Christmas trees to the curb the day after Christmas, and voila! Instant holiday spirit! We go out in the snow and let Tucker get a good romp in it, and watch as the chihuahuas pick up their tiny feet and look up at us as if to say "I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it..." We watch as cars go by, swerving all over the road as the driver tries to get a glimpse of our lights and keep both hands on the wheel while trying to avoid the next crazy motorist. A common sentiment here is "I know how to drive in it, it's just all the other idiots don't!" With that logic, it would seem that all Memphians know how to drive in snow. (Most of them can't even drive when it's dry, but again, I digress.)

Last year, we had a 4 inch snowfall, turned on our Christmas lights, took pictures, and sent them to the local tv station with a picture of Tennessee Tucker Blue in it. No surprise that it ended up on the news. Anything with "Tennessee" in it, will usually garner a few minutes of air time. And with the "Great White Death" coming out of the sky... well, you know it's definitely going to hit the news.

I remember one year when the boys were small, that we had a decent storm come through. There was ice, then snow, then ice again. Of course, we stayed home from work and school... long enough to get our sled out and trek over to the nearest hill. The boys had never been sledding before, and as a seasoned Chicagoan, I was anxious to show them the joys and travails of traveling down a frosty slope on two thin blades of metal at breakneck speed. The boys were asking us "how do we do it" so I took that occasion to put my behind on that poor little sled and mushed down the hill. What a great glide! The boys wanted in on the action, and fought over who went next. First was Jason, then Rhys rode with Steve. Over and over again, they took to the hill with gleaming smiles and rosy cheeks. I think I only got one more turn down the hill, but I didn't care. Just watching the guys made my heart glow. Our neighbors caught up with us at the very same hill, armed with nothing but a piece of cardboard box for a sled. Everyone had a blast. And when our fingers and toes were good and frozen, lips numb and noses running, back to the house we went for some homemade hot cocoa and apple pie. Mmmmmmmm.... Sounds good! I think I'll go have some. There's no snow, but that's no reason not to have pie!

So... no snow for now. But it's still January, and the latest snowfall we remember is March 7 of 2008. But those lights are ready, just in case...

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta