Sunday, September 29, 2013
It's Always Something
"Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it's always something--if it ain't one thing, it's another." Roseanne Roseannadanna
In my life, it seems to be exactly that, especially since I started college in 2010. Every semester, I was greeted with a life-altering challenge that would have brought a lesser person to his knees. Sometimes, I was tempted to look at the heavens and scream, "WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? Why NOW when life is slipping away from me???" And it continues this semester. Let me give you an idea of what I've dealt with.
Fall Semester 2010 - Our cat, Shelby, died. It was in October, in the midst of all the pre-reqs I was taking to get into the Physical Therapist Assistant program at Southwest. We were all devastated, but that didn't compare to what was to follow in the succeeding months.
Between the fall semester of 2010 and spring semester of 2011, my Gidget died five days before Christmas. I was crushed. Next semester please!
Spring 2011 - Another semester of pre-reqs. Tucker had to be put down due to a spinal injury that made it impossible for him to ever walk again. The pain lingers. We still talk about Tucker almost every day.
Summer 2011 - I was turned down for the PTA program and had to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I decided to finish my Associates' Degree and took more classes that are needed to get a bachelor's degree in Tennessee. Then Sophie died unexpectedly in my arms on July 23. She was only 11 months old. In case you're counting, that's 4 fur children in 9 months.
Fall 2011 - No more fur children died. Thank goodness. But we were still reeling from it. Despite it all, I had attended all my classes and kept up my grades. Steve's boss is making our lives hell with cutting his salary and then losing health care. I still hate that man and wish him all the evil he has visited upon us and everyone else he has screwed. We rescued a pregnant dog which was brought to the shelter in the trunk of a car. Great people we have down here... in the TRUNK of a CAR!!! She was emaciated. I fed her 4 times a day to get her strength up. Five days later, she gave birth to 7 wonderful, healthy puppies. The first one left in November, to a lot of tears. The others followed in a couple of weeks, but we kept Toby and Bella, the mom.
Spring 2012 - We lost the website due to Steve's boss' conniving ways. I graduated with my Associates' Degree and was accepted into the University of Memphis. I decided to choose nursing as my profession. I chose wrong. Steve's salary was cut again for the third time. I was encouraging him to find something else. In the meantime, the scumbag who ripped me out of the expenses for the puppies, decided to accuse me of stealing checks from her (which was the farthest from the truth you can get), and she sued me. She had people lie for her and the judge believed her. That is the last time I help someone out. They can all fend for themselves. Blocked them all and have a little surprise for the instigator of it just before we leave Memphis for good. Revenge is better served up cold.
Summer 2012 - Didn't have any classes, but Steve lost his job of 33 years due to his boss' ego and conniving ways. We are still recovering.
Fall 2012 - A hellacious semester of nursing school culminated in hemorrhaging, causing a trip to the Emergency Room. They didn't do anything to help me except keep me a long time and send me home with a pat on my head. I quit nursing school and vowed to go back to Southwest to see if I could get into the PTA program once again. I didn't think I would be accepted, so I kept on truckin'.
Spring 2013 - As I said, I didn't think I would be accepted into the PTA program, so this time, I was prepared with a Plan B and a Plan C. I had started at Concorde's OTA program, and on my very first day, I received a text from Steve, telling me I had a certified letter from Southwest. My response was to tear that sucker open and don't make me wait! His next text said "Congratulations! You were accepted!" I waited until the end of class and left Concorde, never to look back. In the meantime, Jason's trusty Toyota pickup truck took a dump and was gone forever and the former bookkeeper from Steve's former job lied during a deposition and we had to dismiss the case. She'll get hers.
Summer 2013 - I started the PTA program, and Steve started a job that has taken a lot out of everyone. On August 21, two days before the birthday that I never had, and just a few days more before the start of the next semester, Steve was stung in the back of the neck by two yellowjackets while on the job. He passed out behind the wheel and our Maxima was destroyed. So now we have 1 vehicle, where 6 months ago, we had 3. We have no money to get another one.
Fall 2013 - This semester seems to be the worst thus far. Firstly, Steve's job is taking 80 hours a week out of him and throwing our household into turmoil. First, it doesn't pay the bills. Second, we have 3 people who have to go to different locations every day. Jason is looking for a job, so occasionally he has to go on an interview, which means more complications in our traffic situation. Secondly, It took 3 months for Southwest to get my financial aid in order. I wasted a lot of time waiting in line at the financial aid office. Lastly, I have to have surgery on October 11, right in the middle of my semester. I can't miss any days, so it is being done over my fall break.
I keep wondering when life is going to smooth out for me. I have other plans for my life than what I have been presented with here. It's been a real joy (sic) to have to deal with all of this. Sometimes I wonder if this is meant to scare me off (of school) or to see how badly I want it. But it's always something, isn't it, Roseanne?
Nazdrowie'
Paczki Puta
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Once Upon a Lifetime Ago
Where to start...
Things have gone terribly wrong in the last 12 years. I have been sitting here, trying to remember the last time I was happy... the last time I was really, truly, incandescently happy. Know what? I'm going to have to dig down deep for that one. Let me tell you why.
I love snow. Love it. I loved it when I lived up north, and still love it even though I live in the south. I have missed regular snowfalls for over 30 years. I miss that period of time when the body slows down at night and says "For goodness sake, please climb under a comforter and close your eyes." I miss sleeping deeply and I miss waking up refreshed. I sleep best when there is snow on the ground. Snow rarely visits where I live, so I haven't slept well in over 30 years.
The issue with my inability to sleep began when I moved down here. If that were the only thing bothering me, it would still be a lot, but there is more. I find Memphis to be a very hostile place to live. For anyone. The women are backstabbers and the men are boorish. I have found very few people here that I would care to associate with on my own time. There are the "haves" and the "have nots." Period. There isn't that wonderful mix of everyone trying to get along like you have in Chicago. In my hometown, if you don't help people out, your car will sit on the ice and no one will care if you have to get to an appointment. Here, it's every man/woman for themselves and screw everyone else. Nice.
This is not to say that there are NO kind people down here. I have found a Homesteading Group that I enjoy. Most of them have the same values that I do, and we patronize each others' homemade goods. We sell, barter and trade. I do enjoy that. I do not enjoy "no-shows". I feel sorry for them because I keep a list of who has been a no-show and they will never get to buy from me. Their loss, not mine. I don't deal with people who stand me up... not even once. But the majority of the homesteaders are not like that, and I enjoy not only selling and bartering with them, but I look forward to reading their posts and seeing what they are offering as well.
That said, there is a really raw element down here that I am not comfortable with, and will be leaving just as soon as possible when I'm done with school. Have I mentioned that I'm sick of being in school? Not yet? Okay, I'll come back to that. The element I'm talking about is the low-down, dirty, egg-sucking dogs that think they can do anything to anyone and it's just fine, thank you very much. You people don't deserve to live. You don't even deserve to walk in my shadow. I'm so much better than you and I'll be glad to leave you behind. You don't take care of your houses and you expect the world to support you. No, you expect the world to bow down, kiss your ass and then willingly hand over everything we have worked so hard for. Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like Congress. But I digress, thankfully.
Yes, I'm tired of being in school. I'm tired of pushing so hard. My brain hurts. I still have 8 months of this to go. I hope I make it through, but I'm not even sure that I want to go into this profession anymore. However, I don't have time for any more do-overs, so I'm going to stick this out and hope for the best... IF financial aid will ever fix my account. What does it take... an act of God to get it worked out??? I've never had this much trouble getting it arranged and posted before. I don't know who is to blame here... the University of Memphis for their "stellar" customer service in getting my transcript sent over, or Southwest Tennessee Community College for their "sitting on my brain" mentality. Wish I had a job like that where I could just ignore everything and everyone. No, I don't. They can have it.
So when did it all go so terribly wrong? Hm. Twelve years ago, my grandmother and my mother were both alive. My brother was still alive. I had not yet gotten sick, but I guess I have to go back even farther than that to find the root of all of this. I know that I miss the north, and I miss the northwoods. If and when I ever get there, I will never look back. I think the secret to being happy is to be the place you want to be and not have to constantly struggle to get there. If you are living where you want to live, any other issues that come up are merely annoyances. I have always said that I didn't know if I wanted to live in Chicago and wish I was in the northwoods or live in the northwoods and wish I was in Chicago. I think if you are where your thoughts drift to, then there is a kind of peaceful completion in your soul, and you can go on to do great things. Or not. Just be.
That's me. I want to just be. I want to leave it all behind and go watch the northern lights come out at night. I want to sit at the lakeshore with my morning cup of java and listen to the lake wake up. I want to feel normal again. I want to be able to feel love in my soul again. I want to enjoy music again. Most of all, I want to just be. Once upon a lifetime ago... I could do just that. Simplicity. Peace. Silence. That's just a little something I'm working on, so be gentle with me. I'm doing the best I can.
Nazdrowie'
Paczki Puta
Things have gone terribly wrong in the last 12 years. I have been sitting here, trying to remember the last time I was happy... the last time I was really, truly, incandescently happy. Know what? I'm going to have to dig down deep for that one. Let me tell you why.
I love snow. Love it. I loved it when I lived up north, and still love it even though I live in the south. I have missed regular snowfalls for over 30 years. I miss that period of time when the body slows down at night and says "For goodness sake, please climb under a comforter and close your eyes." I miss sleeping deeply and I miss waking up refreshed. I sleep best when there is snow on the ground. Snow rarely visits where I live, so I haven't slept well in over 30 years.
The issue with my inability to sleep began when I moved down here. If that were the only thing bothering me, it would still be a lot, but there is more. I find Memphis to be a very hostile place to live. For anyone. The women are backstabbers and the men are boorish. I have found very few people here that I would care to associate with on my own time. There are the "haves" and the "have nots." Period. There isn't that wonderful mix of everyone trying to get along like you have in Chicago. In my hometown, if you don't help people out, your car will sit on the ice and no one will care if you have to get to an appointment. Here, it's every man/woman for themselves and screw everyone else. Nice.
This is not to say that there are NO kind people down here. I have found a Homesteading Group that I enjoy. Most of them have the same values that I do, and we patronize each others' homemade goods. We sell, barter and trade. I do enjoy that. I do not enjoy "no-shows". I feel sorry for them because I keep a list of who has been a no-show and they will never get to buy from me. Their loss, not mine. I don't deal with people who stand me up... not even once. But the majority of the homesteaders are not like that, and I enjoy not only selling and bartering with them, but I look forward to reading their posts and seeing what they are offering as well.
That said, there is a really raw element down here that I am not comfortable with, and will be leaving just as soon as possible when I'm done with school. Have I mentioned that I'm sick of being in school? Not yet? Okay, I'll come back to that. The element I'm talking about is the low-down, dirty, egg-sucking dogs that think they can do anything to anyone and it's just fine, thank you very much. You people don't deserve to live. You don't even deserve to walk in my shadow. I'm so much better than you and I'll be glad to leave you behind. You don't take care of your houses and you expect the world to support you. No, you expect the world to bow down, kiss your ass and then willingly hand over everything we have worked so hard for. Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like Congress. But I digress, thankfully.
Yes, I'm tired of being in school. I'm tired of pushing so hard. My brain hurts. I still have 8 months of this to go. I hope I make it through, but I'm not even sure that I want to go into this profession anymore. However, I don't have time for any more do-overs, so I'm going to stick this out and hope for the best... IF financial aid will ever fix my account. What does it take... an act of God to get it worked out??? I've never had this much trouble getting it arranged and posted before. I don't know who is to blame here... the University of Memphis for their "stellar" customer service in getting my transcript sent over, or Southwest Tennessee Community College for their "sitting on my brain" mentality. Wish I had a job like that where I could just ignore everything and everyone. No, I don't. They can have it.
So when did it all go so terribly wrong? Hm. Twelve years ago, my grandmother and my mother were both alive. My brother was still alive. I had not yet gotten sick, but I guess I have to go back even farther than that to find the root of all of this. I know that I miss the north, and I miss the northwoods. If and when I ever get there, I will never look back. I think the secret to being happy is to be the place you want to be and not have to constantly struggle to get there. If you are living where you want to live, any other issues that come up are merely annoyances. I have always said that I didn't know if I wanted to live in Chicago and wish I was in the northwoods or live in the northwoods and wish I was in Chicago. I think if you are where your thoughts drift to, then there is a kind of peaceful completion in your soul, and you can go on to do great things. Or not. Just be.
That's me. I want to just be. I want to leave it all behind and go watch the northern lights come out at night. I want to sit at the lakeshore with my morning cup of java and listen to the lake wake up. I want to feel normal again. I want to be able to feel love in my soul again. I want to enjoy music again. Most of all, I want to just be. Once upon a lifetime ago... I could do just that. Simplicity. Peace. Silence. That's just a little something I'm working on, so be gentle with me. I'm doing the best I can.
Nazdrowie'
Paczki Puta
Thursday, September 12, 2013
School Daze and The Lone Car Blues
Life has been tough since we lost our Maxima in a car accident a few weeks ago, but indulge me as I ponder the complexities we now face. Having only one set of wheels, when at this time last year we had three sets, is difficult on so many levels.
Being without wheels has taken an enormous toll on my ability to participate in study groups and extra activities at school. It's not that I want to participate really, as the classwork and studying takes about all the energy I have. I study late into the night (an unknown for me) and then I go to bed, only to start it all over again in the morning. Someone has to drive me to class in the morning, five days a week. And someone has to drive me home. Most of the time, Steve comes to get me, but that takes away from his new job and I feel bad about that. Sometimes I stay to work on techniques that I have to learn for practicals. I have a great lab partner that brings me home when we stay to work. But that's not the end of it.
Rhys has to get to and from school as well. He is on another campus in town, and his schedule is completely different from mine, so it's another delivery and pickup that Steve has to take care of. That means more time away from his new job. Then there is the matter of Jason looking for a job. If he needs to go to an interview, it throws another monkey wrench into the mix. Jason also ran all of the errands during the day when we had another vehicle. That can't happen now, so it's being done in the evenings and on weekends. It's an unusual circumstance for us and one I'm not enjoying. You see, I get the brunt of everyone's frustration when I walk through the door.
I'm not being blamed for our lack of a car, but when everyone feels free to dump on me, it makes it very difficult for me to focus on what I have to do. Have I mentioned that my financial aid is STILL being held up because either: The University of Memphis is STILL holding onto my transcript or the financial aid office at Southwest is doing their usual "sit on your brains" exercise. What to do, what to do.
I wish there was an easy answer for this. We don't have money for another car and no way to pay back a loan if we took one out. I have only 2 weeks until I have to make some kind of payment on my account at college, and financial aid should have taken care of it already, but here I am still waiting for it. The only answer I have right now is that I have to stay in school or nothing will ever change. We will never be able to move north and get that cottage on a lake, and we will have to stay here, with low pay and less than optimal working conditions. Somehow it all has to work out. I don't have any real answers, except to keep on plugging. I need some help though. Are you listening, God?
So here I am, trying to work through my frustrations without taking them out on anyone. It's tough because not only do I not have anyone I can dump on, but I have to be the pillar that my family needs AND keep going in school. I don't have much longer... just until the end of May and then taking my board exam in July. But it's the getting there that is working against me. Financial aid is a real problem right now and if that were resolved, that would be a major stressor off me. Exams, practicals and assignments are all stressors as well, and I am doing the best I can to make all the pieces come together.
All I can do is try. And I am. There is an exam tomorrow morning and I'm as prepared as I can be for right now. I have a policy that I stop studying the night before an exam and give myself some time off to relax. Then I go to bed early and get a good night's sleep. I get up either around 3am or 4am, depending on how I feel. Then I study for about another hour or so and get ready to do battle. It's worked in the past, and all I can do is hope it works this time too. But it sure wouldn't hurt to have an angel on my shoulder tomorrow. Are you listening, God?
Nazdrowie'
Paczki Puta
Being without wheels has taken an enormous toll on my ability to participate in study groups and extra activities at school. It's not that I want to participate really, as the classwork and studying takes about all the energy I have. I study late into the night (an unknown for me) and then I go to bed, only to start it all over again in the morning. Someone has to drive me to class in the morning, five days a week. And someone has to drive me home. Most of the time, Steve comes to get me, but that takes away from his new job and I feel bad about that. Sometimes I stay to work on techniques that I have to learn for practicals. I have a great lab partner that brings me home when we stay to work. But that's not the end of it.
Rhys has to get to and from school as well. He is on another campus in town, and his schedule is completely different from mine, so it's another delivery and pickup that Steve has to take care of. That means more time away from his new job. Then there is the matter of Jason looking for a job. If he needs to go to an interview, it throws another monkey wrench into the mix. Jason also ran all of the errands during the day when we had another vehicle. That can't happen now, so it's being done in the evenings and on weekends. It's an unusual circumstance for us and one I'm not enjoying. You see, I get the brunt of everyone's frustration when I walk through the door.
I'm not being blamed for our lack of a car, but when everyone feels free to dump on me, it makes it very difficult for me to focus on what I have to do. Have I mentioned that my financial aid is STILL being held up because either: The University of Memphis is STILL holding onto my transcript or the financial aid office at Southwest is doing their usual "sit on your brains" exercise. What to do, what to do.
I wish there was an easy answer for this. We don't have money for another car and no way to pay back a loan if we took one out. I have only 2 weeks until I have to make some kind of payment on my account at college, and financial aid should have taken care of it already, but here I am still waiting for it. The only answer I have right now is that I have to stay in school or nothing will ever change. We will never be able to move north and get that cottage on a lake, and we will have to stay here, with low pay and less than optimal working conditions. Somehow it all has to work out. I don't have any real answers, except to keep on plugging. I need some help though. Are you listening, God?
So here I am, trying to work through my frustrations without taking them out on anyone. It's tough because not only do I not have anyone I can dump on, but I have to be the pillar that my family needs AND keep going in school. I don't have much longer... just until the end of May and then taking my board exam in July. But it's the getting there that is working against me. Financial aid is a real problem right now and if that were resolved, that would be a major stressor off me. Exams, practicals and assignments are all stressors as well, and I am doing the best I can to make all the pieces come together.
All I can do is try. And I am. There is an exam tomorrow morning and I'm as prepared as I can be for right now. I have a policy that I stop studying the night before an exam and give myself some time off to relax. Then I go to bed early and get a good night's sleep. I get up either around 3am or 4am, depending on how I feel. Then I study for about another hour or so and get ready to do battle. It's worked in the past, and all I can do is hope it works this time too. But it sure wouldn't hurt to have an angel on my shoulder tomorrow. Are you listening, God?
Nazdrowie'
Paczki Puta
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