Once Upon a Lifetime Ago

Where to start...

Things have gone terribly wrong in the last 12 years.  I have been sitting here, trying to remember the last time I was happy... the last time I was really, truly, incandescently happy.  Know what?  I'm going to have to dig down deep for that one.  Let me tell you why.

I love snow.  Love it.  I loved it when I lived up north, and still love it even though I live in the south.  I have missed regular snowfalls for over 30 years.  I miss that period of time when the body slows down at night and says "For goodness sake, please climb under a comforter and close your eyes."  I miss sleeping deeply and I miss waking up refreshed.  I sleep best when there is snow on the ground.  Snow rarely visits where I live, so I haven't slept well in over 30 years.

The issue with my inability to sleep began when I moved down here.  If that were the only thing bothering me, it would still be a lot, but there is more.  I find Memphis to be a very hostile place to live.  For anyone.  The women are backstabbers and the men are boorish.  I have found very few people here that I would care to associate with on my own time.  There are the "haves" and the "have nots."  Period.  There isn't that wonderful mix of everyone trying to get along like you have in Chicago.  In my hometown, if you don't help people out, your car will sit on the ice and no one will care if you have to get to an appointment.  Here, it's every man/woman for themselves and screw everyone else.  Nice.

This is not to say that there are NO kind people down here.  I have found a Homesteading Group that I enjoy.  Most of them have the same values that I do, and we patronize each others' homemade goods.  We sell, barter and trade.  I do enjoy that.  I do not enjoy "no-shows".  I feel sorry for them because I keep a list of who has been a no-show and they will never get to buy from me.  Their loss, not mine.  I don't deal with people who stand me up... not even once.  But the majority of the homesteaders are not like that, and I enjoy not only selling and bartering with them, but I look forward to reading their posts and seeing what they are offering as well.

That said, there is a really raw element down here that I am not comfortable with, and will be leaving just as soon as possible when I'm done with school.  Have I mentioned that I'm sick of being in school?  Not yet?  Okay, I'll come back to that.  The element I'm talking about is the low-down, dirty, egg-sucking dogs that think they can do anything to anyone and it's just fine, thank you very much.  You people don't deserve to live.  You don't even deserve to walk in my shadow.  I'm so much better than you and I'll be glad to leave you behind.  You don't take care of your houses and you expect the world to support you.  No, you expect the world to bow down, kiss your ass and then willingly hand over everything we have worked so hard for.  Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like Congress.  But I digress, thankfully.

Yes, I'm tired of being in school.  I'm tired of pushing so hard.  My brain hurts.  I still have 8 months of this to go.  I hope I make it through, but I'm not even sure that I want to go into this profession anymore.  However, I don't have time for any more do-overs, so I'm going to stick this out and hope for the best... IF financial aid will ever fix my account.  What does it take... an act of God to get it worked out???  I've never had this much trouble getting it arranged and posted before.  I don't know who is to blame here... the University of Memphis for their "stellar" customer service in getting my transcript sent over, or Southwest Tennessee Community College for their "sitting on my brain" mentality.  Wish I had a job like that where I could just ignore everything and everyone.  No, I don't.  They can have it.

So when did it all go so terribly wrong?  Hm.  Twelve years ago, my grandmother and my mother were both alive.  My brother was still alive.  I had not yet gotten sick, but I guess I have to go back even farther than that to find the root of all of this.  I know that I miss the north, and I miss the northwoods.  If and when I ever get there, I will never look back.  I think the secret to being happy is to be the place you want to be and not have to constantly struggle to get there.  If you are living where you want to live, any other issues that come up are merely annoyances.  I have always said that I didn't know if I wanted to live in Chicago and wish I was in the northwoods or live in the northwoods and wish I was in Chicago.  I think if you are where your thoughts drift to, then there is a kind of peaceful completion in your soul, and you can go on to do great things.  Or not.  Just be.

That's me.  I want to just be.  I want to leave it all behind and go watch the northern lights come out at night.  I want to sit at the lakeshore with my morning cup of java and listen to the lake wake up.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to feel love in my soul again.  I want to enjoy music again.  Most of all, I want to just be.  Once upon a lifetime ago... I could do just that.  Simplicity.  Peace.  Silence.  That's just a little something I'm working on, so be gentle with me.  I'm doing the best I can.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta