Sacrifices

As I was going over some pictures and funeral home prayer cards yesterday (a favor I am doing for the "lost" portion of my family with the same last name), I had a good cry and reflected on the effects of my life decisions. I have decided to share a few of them here. I have been persecuted by members of my birth family for these decisions, and they don't even know the reasons for my decisions.

First, my decision not to turn my father in to authorities for abusing me:

This decision was not made lightly. I knew that my father would be thrown in jail, and maybe killed there, as a result of his actions toward me. My mother would be left without an income. My brothers and sisters not yet of legal age would be sent off to live with other relatives or foster homes. They would not know each other, or would not want to know each other (as in the case of my mother's brother, Joe). Their lives would be irretrievably broken. I left them to my parents' devices and, as my husband and I have often remarked, they were willing followers of my father's indulgences. So my early life was sacrificed so that the rest of you could have all the advantages and you could go on with your lives.

Second, my decision to leave home at the age of 18, never to return:

I had to get away from the abuse. I was the family scapegoat, so they would have to find someone else to take the abuse. I'm sure chores were dealt out after I left, and I'm positive that my brothers and sisters were told to never have anything to do with me again. Thanks Mom and Dad. This is how someone who is "different" was treated in my household. I didn't just sit there and take it. I left to save my sanity. I was doing all the chores (well, not all, because my next sister did some), AND working full time, AND making the meals, AND being abused by my father, AND paying rent... I could do better somewhere else. You cannot possibly understand the betrayal I suffered at the hands of my parents and now from my siblings. And also, it is impossible for anyone to understand how heart-wrenching it is to make that decision... to walk away... and to know that you will never have a relationship with any of them again, unless you have walked that walk.

Third, my decision to tell the truth about my father:

It was time for all the pretense to stop. If I am to go forward with MY life, I had to tell the truth. My birth family doesn't like it, but that's not my problem. I know the truth and so do they. They could not possibly understand that kind of betrayal.

Fourth, my decision to not keep up with birthdays, etc.:

I used to call, send cards and send gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I used to call for Easter and Thanksgiving. That all stopped one year when I made slippers for every last person in my family and not one of them even let me know that the package had arrived. I made 35 pairs of slippers. It took me 4 months. Not even one acknowledgment. I wasn't looking for a thank you... just "it arrived". I decided that I would never do it again and I haven't. I don't keep up with your birthdays and won't be writing any more cards at Christmas. I'm not bitter, just realistic.

There are people who read my blog who have been extremely abusive toward me because I chose to write the truth... a truth they didn't "want to hear" or know.
Let me say this to them:

You had all the advantages that I didn't have, as a result of my life being sacrificed for yours. As one of you pointed out to me, you have the education, you have the career, etc., and I don't. And you are right... about the education. Everything I have ever had to learn for my career is something that I had to learn on the fly... on the job... and I had to teach it to myself because I couldn't afford the money or the time away from my kids to go to school. I have an IQ of 141, and learn VERY quickly. Without the paper behind my name, it has been difficult. However, my career and life experience DOES count in place of a degree. I have always had a job up until the last few months, when it was decided for me (by God) that I could not do the physical aspects of my job any longer. I have been in the process of changing gears and working toward a "sit-down" aspect of my profession... software programming. I highly doubt that any of you who have been so judgmental of me could do what I am doing.

As for the comments made to me about my sanity:

I am not mentally ill. That has been proven for me and my family over and over again. I doubt that any of my siblings would be as sane as I, given the same circumstances. I know of other abuses in my birth household and may go into those at a later time. But for right now, I won't. And to my brother-in-law Mike, I would like to say this: Thank God you were always in my sister's life. I know for a fact that if you had not been there, she was next on my father's list.

For those of you who have turned your backs on us/me:

You don't know me, and you don't know my family. My husband and I have decided to go with the rest of our lives with the knowledge that we will not be seeing most of you again. It works no hardship on us. If ever there comes a day when you want to get to know me, I hope I'm still around and am open to it. But life moves at an extraordinarily fast pace and I will not waste one more minute of it. When my husband and I move to our new house, we won't leave a forwarding address or phone. When I or my husband passes away, most of you will not even be told. We are going to have very VERY private services and only people who have kept in touch with us will be invited to come. Our ashes will be spread at a private location and only those we choose will know where.

Congratulations. You've lost a sister, aunt and friend.

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta

Snow Casualty or "Why We Should Build a Room Onto Our House"

We got hit by a freak snowstorm yesterday and awoke to 9 inches of snow on the ground and everything in sight. A nice ending to the month of February but really freaky, since it was 70 degrees 2 days ago, and we expect to see 70 degrees later this week. What could be really upsetting is that not only is the south not ready for this type of weather, but there was nothing we could do to prevent the destruction that awaited us this morning.

We have a canopy over the patio in the backyard.

Correction: We HAD a canopy.

The weight of the snow weighed down the canvas and bent the bars holding the canvas up. The result is an inverted canopy with lots of snow and ice still on it. Fortunately, we are not panicking about it. Casualties are to be expected during weather of this kind. I related to the boys how the roofs of shopping centers have been known to collapse under this kind of weight, and that we were lucky to have escaped serious damage to our house and garage. In fact, we were fortunate not to lose power and heat.

Memphis is known to be ill-prepared for any type of extreme weather. We lose power in the cold, in the heat, during storms, and for no reason at all. We had an ice storm here February 11, 1994 and it collapsed trees onto power lines. We lost power and heat, but we were lucky. We were only out of power for 40 hours. The rest of the city and suburbs were out for up to 3 weeks. When we found out the extent of the damage from that storm, Steve and I traversed the mangled city streets to get to where he works to borrow a generator. We were able to run 3 things from the generator. We alternated between the tv, lights, heat and the refrigerator. The Winter Olympics were on tv, and we sat watching them, while I made sweaters for the boys with my knitting machine. I made sweaters for both of them during that storm, and when the boys outgrew them, I put them safely away in the attic as memories.

Another storm gave us straight-line winds that toppled several thousand hundred-year-old trees in the city, and took down 2 of our own trees. Again, the city streets were a snarled mess. We were fortunate to escape that storm without damage to our vehicles. Down the street, a neighbor wasn't as lucky. Their large tree rested in the middle of their smashed car, right in front of their house. If the tree had fallen the other way, it would have collapsed their roof. Again we were out of power, but the weather was warm that time, so we could do without a generator for the most part. But we drove to West Memphis to take our showers at my husband's mother's house. The area has still not quite recovered from those winds. The forest at Shelby Farms looked as if a buzz saw had cut off the tops of the trees.

So back to our canopy. This is the second time we have lost a canopy over that patio. Since we tiled over the old broken concrete, the time may soon be arriving when we will put up a solid roof and walls there. It would be a nice addition to the house, and would add a weather-proof path to our workout room (garage) as well as about 200 more square feet. We could add a free-standing fireplace to the room or a hot tub, and my plants would have a nice sunny place to grow without taking up all the floor space in the rest of the house.

Or we could just move.

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta