Sometimes I Think... Other Times I Weep

I don't know why, but while I was watching tv tonight, I felt a little weepy.  I fought back the urge and realized how very tired I am.  I have had an exhausting 10 or 11 weeks.  I spent most of the time in school, in a program that I really want to be in.  But with that comes a great deal of jockeying in the household, not all of it good.

My family has had to take over everything during my summer semester.  That's an unusual thing for me to let happen.  Usually, I am the person who takes care of everyone and everything.  And even though I am still "directing traffic" so to speak, it still feels like I am letting my family down by having them cover the bases in my absence.  Now that I am on my summer break, I am catching up on all the myriad of chores I have let slip during my school days.

I'm a week into my summer break and still I have not had a rest.  Maybe that was the reason for my weepiness earlier today.  During this past week, I have been mending quilts, re-covering my dining room chairs and making kielbasa.  I see postings from other people about how they are going out and "partying", and I am still working.  It's not that I mind the work; it's just that sometimes I would like a respite from it. I never get to go fishing anymore.  I never get to go out, and I only visit people when it's forced upon me, because I'm just too busy to do it otherwise.  I don't even have time to call a friend back when she has left me a message several days ago.

I look at the plans I have for my life and realize that it's slipping away.  When I was making the sausage this week, I couldn't help but think of my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, my godmother and godfather, and all the other relatives that left this life too soon.  I thought of them doing the very same thing that I was doing right then:  making sausage.  To my knowledge, I am the only person in the family to carry on their tradition of making authentic Polish food by hand, in the old-fashioned way.  I smile at the thought, but then I think of the life my grandfather would have liked to have, and wonder if I have regressed instead of going forward, as he might have wanted me to do.  I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do, or am I just tired?

When I am tired, I get weepy.  Tonight is one of those times.  I know that I need a good long rest, and I wonder if I will ever get it.  Does everyone feel this way or is this something that only I am feeling?  In these times of reflection, I think way too deeply for my state of mind.  I am missing my family, and there is nothing I can do except go through it.  There are times that I feel like giving up, but what would that get me?  Just more unfulfilled hopes and dreams, so onward I go.  Maybe this is how my grandfather felt when cancer was taking his strength.  Maybe I am supposed to keep on fighting.  Maybe.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta