New Directions

Yesterday I wrote about quitting.  I have had time to think about it since then, and I have decided that I was absolutely right.  I have decided to follow my passion and go to PTA school instead of nursing.  Thank goodness I'm getting out now.  If I waited until I was further along in the program, I'm afraid I might really hurt someone... like ME!

A year ago, I applied for the PTA program at Southwest.  I had a 4.0 GPA, membership and officer of Phi Theta Kappa, Honors Academy, leadership awards, letters of recommendation, becoming a published author and certifications in personal training.  I had absolutely NO doubt in my mind that I would be accepted.  I was wrong.  I was turned down in favor of students with a 2.2 GPA.  I was hurt.  So were a lot of other people.  There was a big hullaballoo about it.  Other people made a stink.  I didn't say a word. I was just stunned.

I was suddenly left with all of these hopes and dreams that were dashed, and a whole lot of medical pre-req's that I had no idea what to do with.  I didn't want to go into nursing.  I wanted PTA.  Reluctantly, I applied to Loewenberg School of Nursing and was accepted.  I thought I could talk myself into liking it.  I was wrong again.

It isn't what I want.  So after much deliberation, blood, sweat and tears, and after talking it over with my family, I am making a course correction.  I am going to finish up some of these classes that I can't seem to get out of, but I will skip the ones I absolutely hate.  Practicum.  Ugh.  I can't stand it.  I'm not doing one more care plan and I'm not going to pretend anymore. After finishing up some of the other classes, I have decided to take some classes that I actually have an interest in.  Astronomy, Weather and Climate... and then I will be in the PTA program at Concorde. 

I am ecstatic at my decision.  I didn't know it would feel this way, to have that nursing school weight lifted off of me and have my course straightened.  Big thanks to my family for helping me to see it clearly and make an informed decision.  I am happier than I have been in the 8 weeks that I have been in nursing school.  Just knowing that there is an end in sight is major.  I can go about my method of learning and excelling, and then walk away, knowing that I have no regrets. 

What a great way to end a day.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Melting It Down

I'm not a quitter.  I say it over and over again.  To whom?  To me, I guess.  I am more miserable than I have ever been in my life, and that includes the period of time where I was being abused.  I ask myself why I am so miserable; the answer is simple.  I am in nursing school.  This was not my first choice.  I never saw myself as a nurse, and I still don't.  After getting halfway through the first semester, I realized finally that my first meltdown is well underway.

I'm not a quitter.  Is anyone listening?  Certainly not.  Put on the happy face that so many people have come to see on me.  I smile through it all.  Today I'm not smiling; I'm on the verge of tears.  I don't want this much responsibility.  I raised my siblings; I raised my kids.  I basically raised myself.  My husband and I are going through a tough time because his job was snatched out from under him.

I'm not a quitter.  All my life I've done whatever it was that I had to do, told myself whatever lies I had to in order to get through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  And now I'm faced with the possibility that I will, once again, have to tell myself lies in order to survive.  I can't.  That's usually not in my vocabulary:  The word "can't".  Today I have on a shirt that says "I can't" on the front.  Stop right there.  I can't.  Why?  The back of the shirt says "I have clinicals tomorrow."  My heart sinks.

I'm not a quitter.  It's like a mantra to help me get through.  It's a lie.  I know it, and I keep saying it.  What makes this so hard?  Why is it so hard for me to decide what to do?  I have no choices.  I have no options.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I hate clinicals.  This is not for me.  It is for other people who really want it, but not for me.

I'm not a quitter.  There it is again.  I go to class prepared and come out dazed and confused.  I do the best I can and it's not enough.  I don't have it in me to endure this kind of stress.  God bless the ones that do and make it through.  I had two sisters who were nurses.  I have no idea how they did it.  I hope it was what they really wanted.  This is not for the faint of heart.

I'm not a quitter.  I'm not going to tell that lie ever again.  I can quit and be okay with myself.  I can finish the semester, knowing it is the last one, and go on to what I really wanted to do in the first place.  I can, can't I? Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just a quitter.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta