My "Aha!" Moment and Reversing The Curse

Never did I think I would be here.  Never.  I swore I would never let it happen.  Today, I had my "Aha!" Moment, and it did not please me.  I knew my weight had been creeping up the last few years, but in the last year, my weight blossomed.  No, it exploded.  It took an episode in the tub today to bring it all home to me.

As of late, I have been watching my food and water intake, logging it all in my Fitbit, and guarding my sleep like a jealous lover.  Today, I was pleased as could be to see the scale FINALLY going in the right direction!  So I decided to reward myself with a bath.  That was a mistake.

I couldn't get out of the tub!  It took 3 tries, and I had to turn over in order to get out by myself.  My husband said I should have called him, but all I could think of was what happened to my mother.  She fell in the bathroom, and could not get up.  My father could not lift her either.  An ambulance was called, and she was taken to the hospital.  That was her last night alive.  She was given last rites and passed away at 2:30 the next afternoon.

I resolved to get out of the tub by myself... To find a way, especially if I was alone.  I found it.  I had to roll to one side to get one of my legs under me, and then I could get up.  I breathed a sigh of relief, and then resolved... To REVERSE THE DAMN CURSE THAT HAS PLAGUED ME FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE!!!  The Polish curse.  Yes, it has a LOT to do with what I put in my mouth.  Yes, it has to do with conditioning.  And yes, it has to do with not enough movement.  But the thing that caused the weight issue has nothing to do with those 3 things.  It has to do with abuse.  It caused a lack of self-control because I had an image of myself not being worthy to be happy.  Self-sabotage.  Thanks a lot.

I thought I had dealt with it all.  Now I realize that I never let it go completely.  Now it's over.  I have to let it go and wash myself clean of it.  This is the missing piece of the puzzle that simply must not ever come up again, so this is the last time I will ever write of it, and ever acknowledge it.  I had an imperfect past.  So what.  So does everyone else.  I have the knowledge and the drive to get over it.  And get over it I WILL, and AM!  The rejection from my siblings when I wrote the truth hurt.  But I can't change what happened.  Wish I could.  They were horrible to me and all turned their backs on me.  Good for them.  I'm over it.  Good for me.   I'm going on with my life now, such as it is.  It isn't perfect, but it's getting better.

I need freedom, and my previous post outlines that.  For far too long, I have been stuck in the hell hole that is Memphis.  I have always hated it.  But it's almost over.  Moving isn't the answer, but it's a damn good place to start.

Nazdrowie',

Paczki Puta