Through the Looking Glass

I feel old. The face in the mirror is showing the ravages of time. My skin is thinning around my eyes and I see the dark circles that I've always hated so much. There isn't enough concealer in the world to cover them. An inherited trait. My eyelids droop. I don't know when that started but I don't like the effect. Another inherited trait. I haven't worn eye makeup for a really long time. I can't stand the stuff. I used to use it all the time, but for what reason? Whatever it was, the reason doesn't exist anymore.

I look at my chin... single. It used to be a double chin, but I've got it back down to a single. Back to the eyes... they look like the life has been sucked right out of them. I look tired. I AM tired. Tired of life. Tired of trying. Tired of being beaten down again. Tired. Tired. Tired.

My classmates can't believe my age, and sometimes I can't believe it either. How did I get so old? I go to my P.E. class and don't understand why my body won't respond the way I want it to. Aren't I still 20 years old? No, honey. You're not. You have to wear a heart monitor and not try to keep up with everyone else. I feel like a beginner all over again. I hate it. Why am I in school again? Somehow the answer escapes me today.

I hate feeling like life has passed me by. All I've ever wanted was a family, a home with a fireplace and a lake view. I have the family. I have the home, but no fireplace. No lake view. The view outside my house is not one that I ever thought I would be looking at all these years later. We have been fixing up the house, and it's getting nicer. But it will never have a fireplace. Yes, we have to move. Am I too old to move?

I color my hair... in a desperate attempt to be... what? Younger? I've tried coloring it dark so I can let the silvers come out, but somehow my hair always sheds the dark color and goes light again. Is there a lesson for me in there? Don't try to be what you're not? Hello, Void... are you listening? Do you have an answer for me? I don't hear anything in response.

Who would be proud of me? I know my husband and sons are proud. My parents probably wouldn't care. I want to cry. I think my grandparents would be proud of me. I'm trying so hard and I'm just so tired. I want to just lie down but I don't. I have too much to do. I know it'll be there tomorrow, but I'll be older tomorrow. Unfortunately, the clock doesn't go in reverse. That silly thing about "spring forward, fall back" doesn't apply to real life. What a shame.

So what, right? Who cares what happens to me? I look old and I feel old. I don't try to be young. I don't know how to be old though. I always said that I'd get old, kicking and screaming all the way, but I don't feel that way anymore. Growing old gracefully seems a foreign concept, but it's what I want now. All except for the weight. I'm still trying to get rid of it. I have time and the heat of this area working against me. I want to go home. I want to breathe clean air. I want to have clean water to drink.

And dammit, I want that home with a fireplace on a lake.

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