Therapy as a Deterrent to Progress

I haven't written anything since January 12, and here is what I think has been going on in my head.

I began seeing a counselor. Not "seeing"... but seeing (for those of you who think evil thoughts). I wanted to be able to deal with my past so I could go on to a brighter future. However, I feel like just the reverse has happened. Since I went to the counselor the first time, I stopped writing. Well, I had written a blog on the 12th, but it looks like a 12-year-old wrote it. I used to pour my existence into my writing. But after some family conferences in which this was the topic, I decided to pull the plug.

I know where the problem is/was in my life. I know it's not me. But the issue is how I handle things now. I can't change the past, and digging up and breaking open old scabs is not going to help me. Things scab over for a reason. It's so you can grow from your experiences. I can, however, change the hair-triggers that I have had for so many years. There is so much to be experienced yet and so much life to be lived. To continually break open old wounds is counter-productive to the way I want to live the last part of my life. I can choose my reactions. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to succeed. I can choose NOT to put 110% into wherever I am working at the time, and enjoy myself a little more instead of being the company pack mule. So let it be written. So let it be done.

Like Captain Kirk says in the last Star Trek movie... "I want my pain. I NEED my pain. Our pain makes us who we are." What a profound statement. It's not that other people have less pain than I do. But my pain is different from others'. The way I choose to live with my pain is a statement in how deep it has affected me and what kind of person it has made me. Does time and pressure make a diamond? Yes it does. But at what cost? I don't have to be perfect. Thank God.

So my decision is to give myself permission to be happy. I can still grieve for the little girl who had everything taken away from her in one fell swoop, but I can also choose to not let it affect how I treat others, or how I treat myself. I am going to be good to myself. I've earned it.

Nazdrovie'

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