The Things We Aren't... Anymore

     Yesterday, I was blessed to be contacted by an old friend from childhood. This friend was not someone I knew very well, but she knew me well enough to remind me of our childhoods, with both of our fathers working for NCR (National Cash Register) and our respective families going to company picnics and other gatherings. It made me think of all we have lost as a country and how desperately we need to get some of those things back.

     For example, our company held picnics at a local forest preserve, not at a resort or at someone's house. They were unpretentious, as everyone was in the same circumstances and understood that this was a privilege, not an entitlement. We looked forward to those picnics, with unlimited ice cream, hot dogs and cracker jacks, and the games that inevitably followed for both adults and children. Children, of course, won prizes, and I think the adults did too, if memory serves. Adults did things like sack races, egg toss, water balloon toss and horseshoes. We all brought lawn chairs and settled in for a long day of fun. My father's boss, Gene Chalet, would take it upon himself to clean the outhouses the day before the picnic. He said it wasn't beneath him to make sure the outhouses were clean for his employees, and I'm sure he wanted to show that. He always led by example, and I never heard my father or anyone else say a cross word about him. We knew his wife and family, and they knew us.

     My grandparents' companies also treated them well. My grandfather spent his years working for U.S. Steel, and my grandmother worked at American Specialties. Those companies not only held picnics and Christmas parties, but made baseball teams and bowling leagues a part of their employees' existence. It was a way of giving people a life in return for all the employees did for their labor. They understood the sacrifice that employees make when they spend their lifetime dedicated to perhaps the only job they were qualified to do. When my grandfather retired from U.S. Steel, he was given a retirement party, and an award with his 40th year of service. How different that is from today's world.

     Today, I do not see employers appreciating employees as in the past. I see them being brow-beaten and driven to exhaustion with no end in sight. I see pay cuts and health benefits taken away, which was not unheard of in my grandparents' day, but was certainly rare, and pay cuts were done as a reflection of performance. Now it is done as a matter of fact. I see our elders being squeezed out of jobs they have held for a lifetime in favor of new graduates who would work for a lower wage or just to increase profits.  Because they possessed old world values, they never even considered a different job because it would be deemed disloyal. As a result of employers' greed and disregard for the lives of their employees, employees are now reduced to chattel, driven by the verbal whip, and made to feel as if they and their efforts don't matter. No one should ever be made to feel that way. It is an insult to humanity to drive employees to exhaustion while flaunting their personal wealth at their employees' expense.

     So what to do about it? If I had a company, I would most certainly be the exception rather than the rule. Yes, profits are important, but so are people. They are the very legs you stand upon and must be rewarded, not abused. I spent eight years as a department head at the local opera company, and the women who worked for me were well-rewarded. I took on the most difficult performers, i.e., the ones with the biggest egos and kept that stress away from my team. After each closing night, I gave my team a thank you party at a local pub, where all the food and beer were on my dime. There was even a time when I refused a pay increase and asked that the increase be split among "my girls". When I left the opera company, the ladies only stayed around for one season. Having caught up with one of them later on, I asked the reason they didn't stay on and was told, "It wasn't fun anymore without you there." What a wonderful compliment. I guess I did it right.

     There's a lesson here for you, corporate America. You complain that your employees are not loyal to you and yet you give them no reason to be. You take from them without giving in return. You say that having a job should be its own reward, and in a way, you are right. However, if that job does not benefit the employee in his spirit, he will move on to one that does. Let's see you hold onto employees for an entire lifetime. Henry Ford understood what was required when he gave his employees a 40-hour work week instead of working them to death. He knew what it was to come from nothing and make something of his life, and he treated his people well. In return, his employees loved him for it and gave them their trust. Let's see you hold to that standard. I will bet that most of you turn a blind eye to the past, and that is your prerogative. However, remember the old adage that if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. We are repeating it now. Are you learning?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

No Approval Required...?

           The time has come to clear the air on what is and is not acceptable for animal rescues from the South to the Northeast, particularly the New England area. As my readers know, I rescued a pregnant dog from the Tipton County Animal Shelter last September. Five days later, she gave birth to seven wonderful puppies. Through the efforts of a former acquaintance of mine, I was put in contact with someone who would place the dogs in homes in New England. What I did not know, however, is that this person and the entities that she is associated with, are NOT approved by any states in the New England area. Let me explain.

           The puppies were placed into the New England area without the mandatory quarantine periods as required by each state in their own way. Each state has their own regulations, and their own list of approved rescues. There are many reasons for their regulations, one of which is to prevent the spread of unwanted disease, such as parvo. The woman I was dealing with has had parvo in her house in the last month, as evidenced by her bewailing posts on her Facebook page. In the State of Massachusetts alone, there are over 300 complaints against this woman's partners, with a total of 30 of 31 dogs with parvo who died after being transported. One of my puppies contracted parvo on the trip north and, fortunately through the monumental efforts of his family and vet, survived to be a happy, healthy and most beloved family member. None of my dogs have had parvo, so the disease was most definitely contracted on the trip, as he showed signs of it within 3 days of his arrival. Viruses can live up to 3 weeks on surfaces, and although I was assured that the crates are bleached after each trip, if that were true, there would be telltale signs of bleach left behind. There were none.

           Now, on to the states' individual regulations.

Maine - http://www.maine.gov/agriculture/ahi/dog-cat-import.html
New Hampshire - http://www.animallaw.info/statutes/stusnhst466_1_437A_9.htm#s437_10
Vermont - http://www.vermontagriculture.com/fscp/animalHealth/regulations.html
Massachusetts - http://www.animallaw.info/statutes/stusmast136A_175.htm#s138 See Section 138A. http://www.mass.gov/agr/animalhealth/ApprovedEntities.htm
Rhode Island - http://www.dem.ri.gov/pubs/regs/#Agriculture See Section 8.02 in EMERGENCY Rules and Regulations Governing the Importation of Animals (4/18/12)
Connecticut - http://www.ct.gov/doag/cwp/view.asp?a=3767&q=487148

           Be forewarned, animal lovers. There are unscrupulous people who are operating as rescues, even though they are not legitimized by the USDA, and are not "non-profits" as they would have you believe. Non-profits can be verified at http://www.irs.gov. They will say anything to get you to believe them. These people are not in it for the animals, but are in it for profit, and will band together, lying to get what they want. My advice is to check the approved rescues in each state before you agree to operate with any of them.

           In the Memphis area, there is only one rescue that has a legitimate tie to New England, and that is Tipton Treasures in Millington. Tipton Treasures is associated with PAWS New England and is on the list of approved rescues for the State of Massachusetts. There are also unsavory transport companies (truck drivers) who will lie to save their own hide. If you are interested in having an animal transported, your safest bet is to come and pick the animal up yourself. The time spent getting to know your new family member is priceless.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

I Did It!

A picture is worth a thousand words, so here are a few from a very special event that we attended last Saturday. 

Honored Graduate

Yes, that's right!  I graduated from Southwest Tennessee Community College after two years of really hard work. The ceremony was held at the Landers Center in DeSoto County, Mississippi on May 5, 2012 at 10:30am.  I was very blessed to have my long-time best friend, Alice Smalley from my Chicago days, fly down to help us celebrate.  It's wonderful to have people who believe in you and love you enough to want to celebrate with you.  I love you, Alice!

 

Alice, Rhys, me and Steve

 
 First, a few words about the regalia that I was honored to wear.  I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, which automatically gave me Summa Cum Laude and qualified me for membership in Phi Theta Kappa.  The gold stole, honors cords and gold tassel are symbols of PTK and honors.  I was also the Most Enhanced Member of Phi Theta Kappa, and so was able to wear my MEM medal on the sash.  The silver medal and white sash are from the Honors Academy. 

Graduation Regalia

 This is a copy of part of the program for the ceremony, and explanations of Honors Regalia.

My name is on this page, with notations next to my name, indicating 4.0 GPA and my designation as a Summa Cum Laude.

When I came into the auditorium, the crowd was already cheering, and as soon as I found my family, I gave a fist pump, our signal for victory.

 As the ceremony started and the speakers came and went, I was called by name and asked to stand twice, once for my GPA and once for being a transfer student to a 4-year university.

 

 After I crossed the stage and came back around to where my family was sitting, I raised the diploma and said "I DID IT!!!"  My family were on their feet cheering for me!  We were on SUCH a high from all the excitement!

 

 My son, Jason, took some video of parts of the ceremony:  The first one is just us entering the arena, and the second one is when I actually crossed the stage and received my diploma.

So what's next?  The Loewenberg School of Nursing in the fall of 2012.  This is my summer of working on my health, brushing up on Anatomy & Physiology, Microbiology and Nutrition, getting the house cleaned up and cleaned out, working in the garden, painting the house and playing with the dogs.  I've got a big job ahead of me in the fall, and I'll be ready.  The moral of the story:  Don't F*** with the Germans!  HAH!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Mama's Got Game

Recently, I was mulling over the mentality of the people in this part of the country, and I have to agree with my Sociology professor: People in the south are very nice... TO YOUR FACE. It took me a long time to figure out the nature of the beast down here, but I've got it, and I won't lose it again. I've got your game now.

For example, not long after I arrived here, I was verbally accosted by my husband's aunt. What followed was verbal accusations by his mother and grandmother, and then his mother decided to prefer her sister's grandchildren over her own. But it's all right. I've got her game.

We were intentionally excluded from his mother's birthday parties by her "friends" and we weren't invited to any gatherings by his family. It's been 30 years of hell, and it's all right. We've got their game.

We have to hear about family tragedies long after the deed is over. It's all right. We've got your game.

 It has been said that to have friends, you have to be a friend. I've done that, and what I've gotten for my efforts is being used, abused and thrown aside. But it's all right. I've got their game.

Periodically, I would conveniently forget how the people down here are and help out with functions at church or wherever. But their true nature always comes forth. And it's all right. I've got their game.

At times, I would assist struggling musicians by creating their websites, and they decided to reward me by not paying what I was owed. It's all right. I've got their game.

In college, I volunteered for many events, only to be cast aside when it came time for a leadership role. I've got your game too.

What I have discovered through this whole process is that no matter how much I would like to have a good friend, I won't have one down here. My best friends are people I met while living in Chicago, and they are still my friends to this day. I've got their game and they've got mine.

What that means is that I know they've got my back. Down south, all I can say I know is that I'm constantly picking their knives out of my back. I won't live like this any longer, and I am saying right here and now that NO is going to be my favorite word. I don't care if someone needs my help and I'm the ONLY person in the world who can help them. Charity begins at home and the only people who will get my help will be my family, and those who have earned my trust.

That's my game and I've already got yours.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Saying Goodbye

Last week, I attended the memorial service for a dear friend of mine. It was a memorial service and not a funeral, because he crossed over on January 5, 2012. His family had moved from Little Rock to Phoenix, and were having the service for all of his friends from where they had lived for 27 years. We were honored to be invited to attend. I wasn't invited to speak, but if I had, this is what I would have said.

Everyone loved Bob. That includes us. I first met Bob Carl in 1981 when he interviewed me for a job as a "Gal Friday" as he called it. I had just left my first husband and was looking for a job and a place to stay. A friend offered me her son's room while he was away at college, and I jumped at the chance. I stayed only two weeks. It might have been longer if Bob hadn't seen something in me that no one else saw at the time. During the interview, he asked me what my salary expectations were. Since I had nothing and needed a job, I bid very low. He sat back in his chair and immediately said "Well, you have to take into consideration your train fare." And he gave me more than I had asked for. I told him that if he hired me, he would never be sorry that he did. I got the job.

Maybe he WAS sorry once or twice, but he never showed it. He made me a part of his family, inviting me for events at the holidays, and bringing chocolate covered strawberries into our Michigan Avenue office. To this day, I can't eat a strawberry without chocolate on it. I grew to know the Carl family immediately. They were all in town for the holidays that year, and we sat in their family room, drinking glug (yes, Pat, I still have those grog mugs) and passing my guitar around for all who knew how, to play. We played and sang silly songs like "The Ballad of Claudine Longet", a song passed on from one of the Carls' friends. I sang a couple of my own tunes, and a man in attendance, who claimed to be a deejay, offered to put it on the radio. That never happened, but it was fun, and one of the best times of my life.

Every time I went to the Carls' home, there was something different to eat or drink, and the good times definitely rolled with them. Pat Carl, Bob's wife, came to be a friend of mine, but I'm not sure if she knows how much she influenced me over the years. There were little things that Bob and Pat said that impacted me greatly. They helped to shape me into who I am and were responsible for giving me clarity. For example, when I met Steve and we were planning our wedding, it was Bob who told me to make my wedding any time I wanted. I protested that my family usually goes to Florida during that time, but he said that if my wedding was important enough, they could change their plans. And they did. Interesting that he saw that before I did.



The Carls came to our wedding, and we have several photos of us together. They came to our wedding because that's what good friends do. Little did I know that soon they would be moving to North Little Rock to form their own business. They lived there happily for 27 years until Bob went into full retirement. We lost track of them then, as they split their time between Florida and NLR, and we never knew when they were in town. We lost them, but we never forgot them. They came to visit after I had Rhys, and Pat took the picture of him standing alone for the very first time. What a gift. The Carls were full of gifts and they were the first people who I recognized as having genuine affection for me.



Bob had this thing for transportation. First, he offered me more money for the job because I needed transportation. Then when the train fare was raised to a ridiculously high level and I could no longer afford to take the train to work, Bob would come and pick me up at my apartment and we would ride in together. I felt like a freeloader, but not because of anything he said or did. It was just that he gave me so much, and I had nothing to give in return. The Carls traveled to our wedding. And then when we were going on our first vacation ever (to Hot Springs), our horrible P.O.S. car broke down in Podunk Arkansas. We found a tiny church off the road and called the Carls for help. We were about an hour away from them. Not only did they drive to get us, but they called a wrecker and had our car towed into their mechanic's shop. Thinking we would never get to our destination, they surprised us by loaning us Pat's Volvo so we could continue our vacation. Their kindnesses were not lost on us. They are an indelible part of our lives. Later on, Bob and Pat became members of a sports car club. Not surprising, considering all the transportation assists we had received from them. We came to visit them a couple of times, and most memorably, for Thanksgiving one year when we had both of the boys and they were young. It was a time I will never forget and we will never forget their kindnesses to us.



Through the miracle of the internet, I found the Carls in Phoenix in the last year. I didn't hear from them much, because Bob had some issues with his heart and Pat was his primary care giver. When she heard a shuffle or a thump, she ran to his side. If we were on the phone at the time, I didn't mind when she said abruptly, "I gotta go." I knew it was to help Bob. Bob was the first recipient of the LVAD, Left Ventricular Assist Device. I don't know much about it, except that it helped him to have a year that they would not ordinarily have had. Bob had his first heart attack soon after moving to North Little Rock, and was not afraid of dying, but wanted others to have the chance to live, and now seven others have received this miracle of modern medicine at Banner Good Samaritan in Phoenix.



I got to see Pat at the memorial, along with her granddaughter, Gloria. I worry about Pat being alone, because so much of her life was wrapped up in Bob's life and his care. My resolve to go out there to visit is extremely strong. But I wish I could have seen Bob again. I saw lots of pictures of him, at his best and at his worst. What a great guy he was. The world just doesn't seem right without him in it.



I think Bob would be proud of the person I am becoming. I am going to college and am graduating with my Associate of Science in May. I have been accepted into the Loewenberg School of Nursing for the fall of 2012. I wish he could be at my graduation. But maybe, just maybe, if I listen closely enough, I can hear him say "well done" that day. I just wish I could hear it in person.



Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Garden Update

Here we are, with an early spring, and I am having to wait until Easter, when it is officially safe to put my plants in the ground. Grrr. When is Easter anyway? Ugh... April 8. It's been 80 degrees for past week at least. So when am I putting my plants in the ground? Probably this week.

Last week, the guys put the garden together. It took about 12 hours, but I really like the results. It's not as elaborate as I had wanted, but it'll do. I wanted to put up a nice "garden gate" all the way around, but you know what? Nobody is going to see it but us. Well, us and all of you! Ha!

I'm excited this year. Last year was a trial run, to see what we could do. This past winter I have been making all the preparations for spring, doing the research, planning, etc. And then the income tax refund came in! So off we went to get what we needed, and we found ways to make the money stretch. Once the garden is in, we won't have to do it again, but I am already collecting newspapers for next year. But I digress.

A few days ago, the guys put in the grapevines and put the raspberry and blackberry bushes in huge pots until I can decide exactly which part of the yard they can go in. The dwarf figs and kiwi plants are ordered, along with several other kinds of seeds. One of my joys is to watch the hummingbirds and butterflies as they enjoy the garden, so we are planting plenty of hummingbird vines to attract them. No more buying nectar! In fact, no more buying what we will produce in the garden! I am planning to do a lot of canning and freezing once the harvesting starts, and from the looks of our seedlings, we will have a bumper crop! I love filling a pantry full of beautiful vegetables and jams that were made from what we have grown ourselves.

My garden will be my special place to go to get away from daily stresses. Lord knows, I'm so tired of going to classes this year, and I just want to be done! I want to go play in my garden and then be fresh for the fall. Have I mentioned that I'm going to be attending the Loewenberg School of Nursing? Just two more years... two more... two more... and spend all my in-betweens in the garden. It may not be perfect, but it's mine!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Spreading Sunshine

I have been anxiously awaiting the spring this year, and it looks like it will get here sooner than anticipated! I hope to be ready, as my hubby and I have been gathering seeds and gardening materials every week. We don't have much money (read that NONE!) but I'm sure it will be worse this summer, when gas prices are expected to go up to $5.00 per gallon, which raises the prices of everything else. Last year, we attempted our first garden. I haven't had a garden in a great many years, so it was a learning experience. We have learned so much that we are expanding on it this year.

First of all, we will not be using pallets this year. We are building a real raised bed garden. We gathered up old wood from the neighbors when they tore out their deck. Dzia Dzia used to say that there was no such thing as a bad piece of wood, so I sent the guys out to see how much decent wood they could find, and they brought back enough to build the beds up! So now we have a huge pile of wood against the fence, and are making our plans.

Today we looked at fencing, but knowing how fast seeds and plants get bought out, I decided to buy my seeds, bulbs and bushes first. I am planning on a lasagna style of bed preparation, with newspapers on the bottom, then leaves (I have LOTS), then coffee grounds, then soil and lastly leaf mulch. I have some coffee grounds, and leaf mulch, but no newspapers as yet. However, I have a couple of classmates who have promised their old newspapers to me. I told them I would take as much as they wanted to get rid of, and I pay off in vegetables! They readily agreed, so I am hoping they come through quickly. We want to get the bed ready so planting can be done in March.



I have decided to use companion gardening this year, and it has been quite an education to learn what helps which plants to grow, and which ones repel insects and rodents. I am really getting into the idea of edible landscaping this year, and am moving my Rose of Sharon bushes to an area of the yard that is better suited for them, and using the empty space for fig trees, mint, ferns and rue. I am planting onions between azaleas and garlic under the oak tree. Since I have such a small area in the backyard, I am going to use every spare inch I can find to give us a bountiful harvest this summer and fall. I will even cultivate between houses if necessary. I have a small piece of land that I am going to use for raspberries and blackberries, and am planning grapes along the fencing. I am going to plant my blueberry bushes around the graves of my dear departed fur children, and they will become part of us, even as they become part of the landscaping. I have three bushes from last year that I am cultivating into six bushes. If all goes well, we should have a good harvest from them this year.

We will have to protect our gardening from the dogs and birds, so fencing and bird mesh will be in order. We had only a few blueberries last year, and birds took a couple of them. Since we need the berries more than the birds do, bird mesh it is! I am still hopeful to get a cover built for the patio, and that will offer shade for the sliding glass door and give the dogs a place to lay when it's hot outside. It will also offer us a peaceful place to watch the hummingbirds visiting the garden. Life can be so good when you look at it that way!

With a song in my heart and spreading sunshine wherever hopeful gardeners are,

Nazdrowie'!

Paczki Puta

One Foot in Each World

I just began my last semester at Southwest today, and was reflecting on the path my life has taken, and the path to come. It seems to me that I have always had one foot in one world and one in another.

For example, I have one foot at Southwest, and one at the next school. I have one foot in my hometown, and one here in Memphis. I have one in friendships here and one in friendships of the past. It can be so confusing, and knowing that I have a new path to follow soon does not make it any easier. I have always been the kind of person who moves on easily from one place to another, so why am I now having trouble imagining life after Memphis?

Interesting. It's not like me at all. I am usually very committed to whatever direction I know to be right, but there are some people that I will miss when I leave here. It makes me wonder if I have been mired here too long to do anything else, but at the same time, there are others who are making the same choices that I am now faced with, and they seem to be doing fine. Am I being too cautious, or just trying not to make the same mistake twice? I know that in order to progress, I have to move away. I had to move away from Chicago in order to progress on my life's path, and soon it will be time to move again. I have so much on my mind, and I guess I just want to be sure I'm making the right decision.

Today I was reminded of northern winters when Memphis was hit with a cold front, and the windchill reminded me of the winters I grew up knowing. I miss the north, of that there is no doubt. I miss winters where you can count on having snow all winter long, and that nice period of rest that comes with it. Everything slows down there, and it must if people are going to be safe getting where they are going. People take their time, a lesson that Memphis still has to learn. With harsh winters comes the anticipation of spring and summer. I loved summers up north because of the hard winters we had to endure. I came here and found that I could sweat in places that I never knew existed. I will NOT miss that. I will also not miss those huge flying roaches that the locals call "palmetto bugs", or the jumping spiders. Those things are just nasty. I will not miss the fleas that the mild winters do not kill off. Nor will I miss the horrible work ethic that is so pervasive here. I want to live where work is appreciated. I have not seen that here.

I know that I was sent here to learn life lessons, and believe me, I have more than my share of A's for these lessons. I'm SO done with all of this. Patience is my last and most important lesson. Graduation for my AS is in May. Be patient, you'll get there. BSN is in 2 more years. Be patient, you'll get there. Moving is at least 2 more years. Be very patient, and you'll get there! Patience was never my strong suit. But then again, I'm moving from one world to another. Again.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Christmas Eve Reflections

What a year this has been. From the very beginning, it seems like this year has been a whirlwind of activity. I started the year with classes at Southwest, and ended the same way, but so much has changed in between.

First, Tucker and Sophie are no longer with us. That still brings a stab to my heart. At this time last year, we were having our last Christmas with Tucker, although we didn't know it at the time. After he was gone, it took months for Rocky to dispose of the huge rawhide bone that we always gave to Tucker at Christmas. Sophie never got to spend Christmas with us. That's such a shame. We still love her and miss them both. Sometimes I feel I can almost hear Tucker's "Roo", even now.

Bella came into our lives, very pregnant, and taught us what it is to truly give. For that, I am eternally grateful. I was also taught to let go. However, in that experience, I was also taught that there are many who would take advantage of those with a kind heart, so we will not be rescuing any more animals. Live and learn.

This year I came back into contact with people that I had not heard from in many years. It's nice to know they are still around, and the friendships are as strong as ever. I am grateful for their presence in my life and even more grateful that they remember me as being a kind person with a sweet soul. Thank you all for that. It's nice to know that people outside of my birth family know the real me.

Along with regaining old friendships, I had to say goodbye to some as well. Sometimes voluntary and sometimes involuntary. Some were very good friends, and some I barely knew. But I remember them all with kindness, and hope the ones who left this world remember me in their hearts with sweetness.

This year I also learned how to let go of anger and let love find its way back into my soul. However, even though I have let go of my anger, that doesn't mean that I have to let hateful people back into my life. My mantra is "live and let live". I don't judge people on how they live their lives. That is their life lesson, not mine. Life is difficult enough without all of that, isn't it? So I've let go and let God handle it all. I'm happier for it.

This year I also had a heart attack, which taught me that life is short, and in order to make it a little longer, I have to get back in the gym. I have done that, and will continue to do it as long as I can still fog a mirror. I have a long way to go, but that's okay. Baby steps.

I've also learned recently that there is merit in enjoying food and drink once in a while. Let go and relax a little. Let others around you relax. If only they would. Every day is a new exercise in making it happen.

Lessons learned in class this year include not counting my chickens until they're hatched. I took on 12-14 hours per semester, and thought I was being smart by taking what I would call "easy" classes along with my concentrations. HAH! They were more work than I thought, and I got through them, but I think the stress from all of it helped to contribute to the heart attack. I had to cut back a little, and I got through it all a little better. Still have a 4.0 GPA, and I'm grateful for that. Maybe all of my brain hasn't gone to mush, like I once thought.

I learned this year that I really am smart and my first semester was not a fluke. I am graduating from Southwest Tennessee Community College this coming May! Okay, so it's only community college, but I will have an Associate of Science, and that is more than I ever thought I would have. I have been given honors and awards, and am a published author. Victories, even small ones, makes one feel powerful. However, with great power comes great responsibility, and I discovered this when I began to be vigorously recruited by other universities for their nursing programs after being declined for the PTA program at Southwest. I have decided on the University of Tennessee Health Sciences Center; their MSN/CNL program. Let's see if they decide on me. I may have to learn to take rejection again, but if so, I have a backup plan at the University of Memphis. Not my first choice, but at least I will come out with a BSN. I will be able to work again, using the skills I learn in nursing along with the years of I.T. experience already in my possession.

This year I also learned the value of being still and being focused. Even though I would love to move, my home is still my safe place, and they can't "get me" here. My home gets better all the time, with improvements being made. My family is still around me, and things are not as bleak as they once were. Sometimes the best strategy is to stay the course.

I am still learning to do without clutter. My final lesson of this year will be to clean up and clean out. This means YOU! Yes, I'm talking to myself here. Clean out the office, the shop and the attic. Less clutter is less stuff taking up space in your brain. Let it go.

Lastly, this year I learned to forgive. I am happier now that I've let it all go. That's what I wish for all of you, out there in the void. Learn to forgive and be happy. You're not hurting anyone but yourself when you hold onto bitterness. Only when you let go can you truly be free.

Merry Christmas to all, and Nazdrowie',

Paczki Puta

Treasure Hunt

For quite a few years, I have been threatening to go into the recesses of the attic and find "The Box" that I put all my childhood mementos in. I was looking for one particular object: My autograph book. In that book are the signatures of my grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts and uncles who are all gone now. For some reason, I just HAD to take another look the other day.



First, I sent my son into the attic (because I'm old and decrepit and can't be trusted not to fall down the stairs, apparently), and when he came up empty, I went up there and got a couple of boxes that I knew had some of Steve's mementos in them, and brought them down. It wasn't until yesterday, while hanging upside down on the inversion table, that I saw something familiar peeking out of the box and started to tear into it.



What I saw was a red ribbon with the moniker "TF South" on it. I knew immediately that I had found the box with my treasures in it. There among Steve's boy scout patches, I found the autograph book for which I had searched so long and hard. Instantly, I tore it open (unzipped is more like it) and searched for Dzia Dzia's signature. I passed more than a few signatures along the way, that of Felix and Mary Cieslak (my great-grandparents), Busia (my grandmother), my parents, and then I saw his signature.



Dzia Dzia's handwriting was a beautiful cursive, and not at all like the writing you see so often today. Penmanship was prized back then, and I had even won an award in first or second grade for penmanship. I ran my fingers along the words he had written, closed my eyes and imagined him as he wrote them. The thought brought a stab to my heart, as I brought myself back to the present, realizing once again that he has been gone an entire 38 years. I closed the book again after showing it to my family, who know how much I reverence Dzia Dzia's memory and left it on my dining room table with the other items from the box, which I had not yet begun to go through.

I started going through the items today, and found a treasure trove of memories I had forgotten all about. There were newspaper clippings from when I was in high school, my report cards for grade school, award ribbons, graduation cards, my bronzed baby shoes, old letters from a girl my brother Wayne was supposed to marry but didn't, old pictures given to me from people I knew in junior high school, my high school graduation picture and one made 10 years later, and some small portfolios I had from pets that were part of my life. I was going to throw the pet portfolios away, but was tempted into looking inside. It was then I got the surprise of my life.



In those folders, were pictures of my german shepherd, Brandie, and my cats, Animal and Spooker, all now long gone, but not before leaving me with very fond memories. There were pictures of me when I was a young wife, not quite 19, doing my needlework, with a red bandana on, and Brandie as a puppy, romping playfully nearby. There are a couple of pictures of some guy I used to know holding Spooker, and if it weren't for Spooker being in the picture, I'm sure I would have thrown them away. I don't even remember his name. But the pictures will stay, just because they caught my beautiful black kitty at his most beautiful stage.





As I packed my treasures up, I teared up; it's sad to notice how snugly all my little memories fit into this small box. They seem so large inside me. Maybe that's the way they are meant to be.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Rescuing the Rescued

It's funny how a quick decision can change your life forever. Everyone knows that I am an animal lover. What I didn't realize is how far that love would take me. Two weeks ago, I rescued a pregnant lab/shepherd mix from the Tipton County Animal Shelter. We have tentatively named her Bella.

Bella is a beautiful girl, with a sweet temperament and a hearty appetite! Her time to deliver the puppies came last week on the 21st of September. She gave birth to 7 beautiful babies, and we were privileged to be able to watch the birth of the last two. Out of the 7, six are boys and one is a girl. They are doing well and we feel blessed to be able to enjoy them at our house.

While we do enjoy them, it is becoming a challenge to keep bedding clean and to find space and time for it all. The puppies are not demanding at this time, but Bella is! She was malnourished when she came to us, and although the shelter tried to tell me that it was the pregnancy pulling her skin taut, I knew better. Bella is eating 4 times a day now, but is finally starting to fill out. Her ribcage is barely visible, and her spine doesn't stick out like it did. She is warm, dry and comfortable. She has playmates, a family and more then enough to eat. She is a good mom, and I feel like a good granddog mom.

I have been fortunate to come into contact with some really good people who have helped me out with donations of both food, treats and money for the vetting costs of getting these beauties ready to be placed into their forever homes. Good Dog Rescue in Memphis is going to help us to adopt them all out, probably in the New England area. Every one of these babies will have their shots and wormings before I let them go, and I will be a part of the adoptive process. Every applicant is carefully screened, and the prospective adoptive family will be talking to me to find out about the dog. Really, I know it's a good thing, even if it will be hard for me to let them all go. I have to feel comfortable about who is getting the babies, as I will not stand for them to go to shelters after all the care they are getting here.

The puppies had their first bath today. And boy, they didn't like it. But I want them to get used to being handled, and I want to make sure they are clean, warm and well-cared for. Bella is good about letting me handle the puppies. I think she knows I will not hurt them, as I will not hurt her either. Today I ordered a play yard for the puppies, because they have already doubled in size, and they are only a week and a half old. God help me. I will put a small wading pool in the middle of the play yard, put a warm blanket on one side, and let them roam around. The play yard is 3 feet tall, about 25 square feet, and has a door so I can let Bella in whenever she wants. I know the puppies will become very active once their eyes are open, so I want to be ready. AND I want to contain the mess! The only other thing I have to worry about is the cats. I will have to make sure they are all contained and don't get into the pen. That's another battle in itself. I have two cats that would potentially jump into the pen, so those are the ones I will deal with. Maybe securing a blanket on top of the pen will discourage the cats. Anyway, I'm trying to be prepared.

The other dogs are doing all right with Bella, except for the times when Bella has threatened Rocky a little, but Rocky has to be threatened now and then. She's a bird dog, and it would be natural for her to get one of the babies and hurt it. She's killed birds, squirrels and rats, and I think she had a hand in killing a coon that came in the yard. She's a handful, but she keeps rodents away. I just don't want her to mistake the pups for rodents.

It's a learning experience. Who knew that rescuing this one dog could give my family such a good healing experience from our losses in the last year? It's certainly been a long time coming. Maybe karma is changing in my direction now. Here's to hoping!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Through the Looking Glass

I feel old. The face in the mirror is showing the ravages of time. My skin is thinning around my eyes and I see the dark circles that I've always hated so much. There isn't enough concealer in the world to cover them. An inherited trait. My eyelids droop. I don't know when that started but I don't like the effect. Another inherited trait. I haven't worn eye makeup for a really long time. I can't stand the stuff. I used to use it all the time, but for what reason? Whatever it was, the reason doesn't exist anymore.

I look at my chin... single. It used to be a double chin, but I've got it back down to a single. Back to the eyes... they look like the life has been sucked right out of them. I look tired. I AM tired. Tired of life. Tired of trying. Tired of being beaten down again. Tired. Tired. Tired.

My classmates can't believe my age, and sometimes I can't believe it either. How did I get so old? I go to my P.E. class and don't understand why my body won't respond the way I want it to. Aren't I still 20 years old? No, honey. You're not. You have to wear a heart monitor and not try to keep up with everyone else. I feel like a beginner all over again. I hate it. Why am I in school again? Somehow the answer escapes me today.

I hate feeling like life has passed me by. All I've ever wanted was a family, a home with a fireplace and a lake view. I have the family. I have the home, but no fireplace. No lake view. The view outside my house is not one that I ever thought I would be looking at all these years later. We have been fixing up the house, and it's getting nicer. But it will never have a fireplace. Yes, we have to move. Am I too old to move?

I color my hair... in a desperate attempt to be... what? Younger? I've tried coloring it dark so I can let the silvers come out, but somehow my hair always sheds the dark color and goes light again. Is there a lesson for me in there? Don't try to be what you're not? Hello, Void... are you listening? Do you have an answer for me? I don't hear anything in response.

Who would be proud of me? I know my husband and sons are proud. My parents probably wouldn't care. I want to cry. I think my grandparents would be proud of me. I'm trying so hard and I'm just so tired. I want to just lie down but I don't. I have too much to do. I know it'll be there tomorrow, but I'll be older tomorrow. Unfortunately, the clock doesn't go in reverse. That silly thing about "spring forward, fall back" doesn't apply to real life. What a shame.

So what, right? Who cares what happens to me? I look old and I feel old. I don't try to be young. I don't know how to be old though. I always said that I'd get old, kicking and screaming all the way, but I don't feel that way anymore. Growing old gracefully seems a foreign concept, but it's what I want now. All except for the weight. I'm still trying to get rid of it. I have time and the heat of this area working against me. I want to go home. I want to breathe clean air. I want to have clean water to drink.

And dammit, I want that home with a fireplace on a lake.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Whatever Made Me Think I Could Do It All?

I have decided that I am making myself crazy. Okay, that's not quite accurate. My family would tell you that I've always been crazy, but then again, so are they. But I digress. Today was another eye-opener when I realized I was doing what I always did... taking on too much and stressing about it.

I thought when I joined Phi Theta Kappa and became Most Enhanced Member that I would relax a little and enjoy the limelight. But the thing you don't realize about the limelight is that it is addictive. So I found myself overdoing it once again, over-achiever that I am. The problem with being an over-achiever is that you don't understand why everyone else isn't the same way. So you find yourself frustrated with being the one to take on everything, to do everything, to plan everything, and when someone else doesn't supply what you need to get the job done, it's incredibly frustrating.

Case in point... I had decided (well, some people would say coerced) into joining the Honors Academy at Southwest and was convinced that it would do me and my degree some good if the words "Honors Academy" were on my sheepskin. In order to have that happen, I would have to get five Honors Contracts with my professors, which means a lot of extra work. Now, I've never been one to shy away from extra work if it will benefit me in the long run, but as time went on, I realized what had to happen in order to get all of this done. First of all, I would have to get all this extra work approved through the director of the Honors Academy. That meant it would not be work of my choosing, but something that had to be "approved". Not to my liking.

Second, I would have to have a place to run away and hide so I can do the work required. I had chosen to work in the Honors Suite, but after a disrupting afternoon in there yesterday, I wrote the director to find out what the rules were. He basically told me that if I needed quiet, to go somewhere else, which was a direct contradiction of what I had been told by my PTK advisor. So... I have decided to go back into the hallway and work there again. The problem with working in the hallway is that I am often interrupted by people coming by to say hello. Nothing wrong with that, and I love it when people think highly enough of me to spend their time with me. But it sometimes interrupts my flow. So even though it can be disruptive, I have decided that I will socialize in the hallway rather than the pseudo impression I now have of the Honors Suite.

Third, I am seriously thinking of abandoning an officership with PTK. Extra work... need I say more? Again with the disruption of flow. I chose my classes for this semester against the backdrop of not taking more than I can handle, and registering for those classes that would not only benefit my degree, but be entertaining as well. So why ruin it with more work? Do I really need all of that to get into the program of my choice? Do I need to get used to overburdening myself now, when all I really wanted was to finish and move on? Something to think about.

All of these things would greatly impact my home life, which is finally settling into... dare I say it... a nice FLOW. We all know where we are supposed to be and when, and who is going to drive whom to where and when everyone gets home. We know who is to get dinner ready and who is to do the shopping. We have rules for everything and I would be throwing them all into the fire, and throwing my family under the bus in the process. Since we have achieved a nice peace in my house, after all these years of trying, I am not willing to upset that peace for anything. We are all finding our way through the maze that is college and coming out with good grades and our sanity intact. I kinda want to keep it that way.

When did I become SO goal-oriented and SO used to being over-burdened that I was willing to sacrifice my family to keep being that stressed? My family needs me now an more than ever. My sons will only be with me for a couple more years, and if we don't build on our foundation, it's not only possible but likely that we won't be able to maintain our closeness once they are launched. Steve needs my support as much as I need his. The time has come to stop the merry-go-round and to travel in as straight a line as possible so we can have the security we have been looking for and needing for so long.

So... off we go, into the wild blue yonder. I will be turning down lots of opportunities. But it's like Steve and I always say when people try to pressure us into something, "it's not my problem". It's only hard to say that the first time, and I did that today. It will get much easier from this point on. So get ready for a whirlwind of "no's", World! It's a-comin' your way! It's time to enjoy my life and my college experience. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm letting miserable take a rest.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The Problem With Days Off...

The problem with days off is that I never seem to have enough time to do all the things I have planned. There. I said it. I'm a busy lady, but sometimes I just can't get it all done. I woke up this morning knowing that I had a lot to do, but until I put pen to paper, I didn't have a visualization of what I have left to accomplish around the house before summer turns to fall and fall to winter. As I am a notorious list maker (and my family hates it when I make lists of chores), I am keeping my little list in the study until I am finished with my morning writing and reading. But here is a taste of what we have coming up.

1. Scrub rugs. I have several area rugs that have been vacationing in the garage for the summer. I have to put them out on the patio, hose them down, scrub with some antiseptic rug cleaner, and let them dry completely before letting them winter in the house. As we now have wood floors, the preparation for the return of the rugs was done this summer with proper washing and waxing. Now if I can only keep the dogs from using the rugs as their "facilities". *sigh* The challenge of being an animal lover...

2. Thin out the bean plants. I have a garden in the backyard for the first time ever, having had to ignore my husband's protests in favor of "grass". We haven't had grass since before we had dogs. The dogs ran it into mud, and I decided that with food prices the way they are, and with my classwork frying my brain, I needed a garden to help soothe my frazzled nerves. We have many things planted out there, but the plants that seem to be doing the best are the squash, corn, beans, cantalope and radishes. Some of our seeds never came up, so I have fall seeds to plant, which is #3 on my list.

3. Plant fall seeds. See #2. (I hate redundancy.)

4. Fix mouse. No it's not the kind that runs around testing my cat's agility. It's the kind I use for my laptop. The cover came off the USB connector and although I fixed it once, I will give it one more try before pronouncing it dead and having to run out to find the least expensive and most portable mouse for my needs.

5. Paint outside. We have been painting the outside of the house this year, in preparation for us moving out of this area. Now that the move has been delayed yet another three years, I'm not pushing the painting as hard, but it still needs to be done. It should have been done 15 years ago, and the fact that we are getting it done at all is a miracle in my fight against my husband who thinks it's just fine to let the wood rot, thank you very much. So, painting will have to go on this weekend, as will replacing boards on the house and garage, albeit very early in the day.

6. Move sticky plants. I don't know what these things are, but I suspect they are tiny bushes, so I am having them moved from what used to be a grassy side yard to along the fence that we are slowly replacing, one board at a time. See #22. I have seen our fence jumped before by one of our neighborhood thugs, so having some bushes that might deter them is fine by me. I will use what I have before going out and investing money I don't have in things that won't work.

7. Water outside plants. I have the water going on the garden right now, but also have some outside plants that need some water. It seems that if I don't think of it, it doesn't get done. So that will be one of the main chores I will see to today.

8. Water inside plants. Yes, I have those too. Some of them vacationed in the backyard for a while this summer, but I brought some back in to decorate my "little corner" of the study. I need the green to calm my frazzled nerves. See #2.

9. Edit home movies. Last week before classes began, I had Jason put all our old home movies on the external hard drive, converting them from VHS to what I hope will be nice DVD's. This is one of those ongoing things that nobody wants to do, yet I know it has to be done for the sake of posterity. Maybe I will have some time during Thanksgiving for this, or after the semester ends. At any rate, it's not going to happen this weekend. But I may have Jason copy them to the server, just so we have them in case the external hard drive takes a sudden fall. Something to think about...

10. Go for a bike ride. I have made it Steve's responsibility to make sure I get in an hour bike ride on Saturday. Now that I have gym class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I need one more workout per week to progress in my health. Wait... I'm trusting this to my husband? What was I thinking??? I'll have to make sure I remind him to take care of me.

11. Take pictures at the cemetery. Steve and I are volunteers for www.findagrave.com and haven't been out there since Memorial Day, and the requests are overflowing in my inbox. This weekend will be a nice time to do it, as long as we do it early in the day. If you haven't seen findagrave yet, let me tell you that it is a wonderful service that we do for people who can't get to their loved ones' resting place to pay their respects. We take requests, and I have made several of my own. We will also create a memorial for your loved one if they have been cremated and scattered, as my parents were. It's something to mark their place in time... to say that they were here. I think it's a nice thing to do.

12. Classwork! Oh my heavens... I have a ton of it to do, and I will get started just as soon as I'm finished writing. I'm procrastinating. Did I mention how I hate procrastination???

13. Put down the threshold. We had to take up part of the wood floor this summer when we found some molding going on. The boards have been replaced, but the threshold between the kitchen and laundry room has yet to be put back in place. I don't like it when things look unfinished.

14. Scrub poop area in study. Yes, my wonderful girl dogs have staked out a spot in my study to use the "facilities" whenever I am not around. You'd think it would be easier to let me know they want to go out instead of being yelled at. But I guess since they know WE go inside, they want to as well. I have to figure this one out yet.

15. Work on insulating the gym. As anyone who has read my blogs about the gym knows, I love my gym. We have put up a ceiling, installed an air conditioner, have heaters for winter, put down a rubber floor, and insulated the garage door. I have one wall that still needs insulating. I have the materials for it, but it just hasn't been done. Maybe I should move this up on the list, since winter will be here before I notice and I will be freezing out there once again.

16. Fix afghan. When Rocky was a puppy, she would jump up on my bed whenever I wasn't around and take to chewing on the afghan I made to keep me warm during the winter. She has unraveled part of it, and even though I have fixed it once already, it needs a little more care. Maybe I can get to that one of the evenings this weekend.

17. Put down quarter-round. This is not necessarily MY chore, but one that still needs doing since we put down the wood floor. It's ongoing, as quarter-round costs money and we don't have any. This will take some thought...

18. Give myself a pedicure! I meant to do this over last Thanksgiving, but never got around to it. Oh well. I'm always last on my list.

19. Get a haircut. Last on my list. See #18.

20. Get fabric for outside swing. We have a swing in our backyard that desperately needs a new cover and cushion. But since I don't have any money, this one will take some thought too. I can sew it, but I need money for the marine fabric. Maybe I can get it for Christmas, if we HAVE a Christmas this year. See money comment on #17. More thought...

21. Refinance the house!!! This is a big one, but am waiting on the husband to get his questions answered while the rest of us suffer due to his procrastination. See #12 and #17.

22. Replace boards on the fence. We are doing this a little at a time while we wait for the Titanic to roll up our front lawn. See #6 and #17. The wind storm of 1996 chewed up our boards pretty bad, and when Tucker was around, he would make short work of punching himself through the boards that were slightly cracked. I wish this one were going a little faster. I am so tired of seeing an uneven fence.

Is that enough for this weekend, or do you think I should just pack it in and give up? Ugh... I hate to even think about it, but I have to put all this aside while I do my classwork. Maybe one of my sons will be kind and do one of the chores for me while I study. Maybe not.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The View from Within

Today I finished up my first week of my sophomore year at Southwest. There is so much to be said for going this far and not backing out. It takes determination and a little bit of insanity to do this at my age. But I am having fun as well as learning, and this will serve me the rest of my life. Let me tell you about the things I learned today.

In my first class, I learned that I am no longer 20 years old. Nor am I 30. Nor 40. Okay, let's face it. I'm not 50 either. My first class was a real eye opener. For the very first time since 1973, I had gym class. This isn't your average, touch-your-toes class. This is a real doggone aerobics, strength and flexibility class that the powers that be are hiding under the moniker of "physical conditioning". We have a textbook and will have to do discussion postings, but we are also required to do the hour-long, no-stop, run-till-you-drop symphony of walking, running, and otherwise torturous activities all directed with great enthusiasm by my stick-thin instructor. I think I hate thin people. I wonder if I was ever meant to BE one. This class will tell me. Although the class is required for my degree, I want this to be a turning point in my life, where physical activity is the norm. Next semester, I will take another physical education class and build on what happens this semester. After that, I will be at U.T. and have access to their excellent facilities, which I will make great use of between classes.

Next on my schedule today was Film. We watched an excellent silent film from 1927 entitled "Sunrise: A Story of Two Humans", and I realized that I had forgotten how great the old silents are. Every aspect of the film had to be thought out well in advance to send the exact message the director wanted to be seen. Every moment, every emotion, every camera angle, every lighting cue... all of it... was intended to evoke a specific emotion from the audience. I can't wait to write my journal on this film and to rent the movie for my family to enjoy. My son, Rhys, took this same film class last year and we will have much to talk about.

Last on my schedule today was my Contemporary American Literature class, and I realized how much I don't know about one of my favorite mediums: Literature. It is not uncommon for me to read before going to bed for the night. I find that it relaxes me and sets my brain up for a restful night. My professor in this class is extremely passionate about his work, and it shows. I can look forward to learning much from him, not just about literature, but how to structure and perfect my own writing.

Those three classes were not my only lessons this week. I also had a Microbiology class, which is making me into a germophobe, or at least more aware of the dangers to our human condition and the reasonable precautions that must be taken to ward off disease. And my final lesson this week was American History. Now, I LOVE American History, but this professor lives up to his wonderful reviews and is making me love it even more.

I can't wait to see how the rest of this semester plays out. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I am SO excited to see it all happen!

So... what was YOUR week like?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Starting Anew - How Sophomoric!

Tomorrow is a milestone for me. It marks the first day of my sophomore year at college. I didn't think I'd make it through the first year, and here I am at the second. So much has happened in the last year; I thought I'd take a few minutes to jot some things down before the bustle begins.

I am ready for the new year to begin, having been "bored" at home (for lack of a better word) for the past two weeks between semesters. I guess bored doesn't really describe it. I've been busy catching up on things that need doing around the house, making a nook for myself to study in, washing and waxing floors, getting more painting done outside, to name a few. It's been hard to get even these few things done, feeling like I have to fight to get anything done around here, and making the most of what I have in the meantime. But I feel like the house is as ready as it's going to be, and I feel more prepared for class this semester than I have in the past. The only thing I lack right now is my green ledger paper to keep track of my grades, but that's something easily remedied. I am going into this year with what I can only describe as a determined focus, with clear goals in mind and all the steps on the path to my goals like a staircase; some goals can be reached by skipping a few steps, but others have a steep climb and can only be reached through some really hard work.

Before I begin class tomorrow, I reflect on the past year. I have lost several very important things; Shelby, Gidget, Tucker and Sophie. Those little souls brought me such joy, and they will continue to inspire me to give all that I have and not hold anything back. I lost my sister-in-law Norma, whose strength as she battled ovarian cancer I use as my inspiration for never giving up. I lost my indifference to other people, which is a wonderful loss. In that, I gave up letting my neighbor put his trash on our lawn, letting our house go to pot, and living with clutter. Those things have no place in my life and are now gone. I lost letting other people walk all over me and will not allow it. I may not have much, but I have my self-respect, and that will effect all the aspects of my life and those in my household.

What have I gained... the friendships of those I thought I would never hear from again (thank you, Chris, Alice, Shelly, Cindee, Ros, and others for remembering me with fondness and respect) and who have changed my life for the better. I have gained a new respect for volunteer work, as Steve and I are now volunteers for findagrave.com, for the Memphis National Cemetery. I have fought for and regained my zest for the simple life, having planted a garden this year and planning the repairs and improvements needed in our house and yard. I have gained a new freedom, in selling my web business to my sons, and getting that gorilla off my back once and for all. In the process, Jason is getting experience in leading others, Rhys is getting experience as a web developer, and I can be free to go back to being a supportive wife and mother, and promising masters student. My focus is now clear and I can move forward without reservation.

I have one more year at Southwest Tennessee Community College, but have already taken my entrance exam for the University of Tennessee Health Sciences Masters Program for fall of 2012. I have my letters of recommendation which, I might add, are all stellar and something for me to strive to live up to. I have a 4.0 GPA going into this year, having made Deans List every semester, and was named most enhanced member of Phi Theta Kappa. I took a Leadership course along with my other four classes this summer and came out on top in all. I have my schedule set for this semester and the plan I have in place will work for me, not against me. I will be spending all day on campus from Monday through Thursday... ONE campus, not THREE! The times in between classes will be spent working in the library on papers and assignments and my trusty laptop will make the daily trip with me, along with my jump drives, SD converter card and Droid phone. I am so plugged in, I wonder how we ever lived without it all. I wonder, for example, what Dzia Dzia would have thought of everyone carrying a phone around with them all the time, with texting and internet usage being the order of the day. I'm sure he'd think we were all crazy, and then he'd go off in his fishing boat with his outboard motor rumbling away.

So what are my plans after college? I have several options open right now, and none are set. My family definitely wants to move north and get away from the swamp air down here. Places like Arizona are completely out, due to dust storms and valley fever. It's too bad, because I have several friends in the Phoenix area that I would love to see again. So the options at this point are... Chicago, Minneapolis or Northern California (maybe). Still not sure about Northern California. But nothing further south, by any means. The center of the country is what I know and what I'm comfortable with, so for now, that is what I have in mind. My husband will retire and become the fishing bum I know is hiding in him somewhere. He says he might take a little job somewhere, which is fine, if it makes him happy. But I want him to relax and not worry about "having" to work at a job. He's had enough worry and it's going to be time to stop it all. I'll be fine, working in a profession that I will enjoy and be rewarded both spiritually and monetarily. The boys will be out of school and hopefully launched successfully. I will be in a climate I love and a beautiful area of the country. Win-win-win-win.

So here I go... into the void tomorrow. I hope that two semesters of English Composition didn't ruin my style of writing, but gave me the knowledge to complete all the papers I know I will have to write. I hope that Oral Communication didn't ruin my extemporaneous style of public speaking and instead gave me a foundation to make my speeches better. I know that A&P, Physics, Stats and Pre-Calculus gave me valuable information that I have already called upon for my entrance exam, and will serve me in my sought profession. And I know that Psychology taught me that everyone has their idiosyncracies, and to stay the heck away from them! Ha ha!

Appreciate every day, those that you love and love you back.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

My Sweet Sophie and a Lesson I Will Never Learn

I guess I will never learn. My sweet darling Sophie left us yesterday after having a fit of severe vomiting and bloody diarrhea for 24 hours. It was like her insides just exploded. She passed peacefully though, wrapped in a warm blanket in my arms, with her family around her, telling her how much we loved her and thanking her for being a part of our lives. She wasn't with us very long, only 7 months. She was born on my birthday last year and we adopted her after Gidget died. She was supposed to help me over Gidget's death. I guess now I know that death is not something you get over. It's something you get past.



Sophie was such a joy... a new soul, obviously, from her lust for life. She ran everywhere. She loved to follow Rocky outside, springing out of the crate every morning and running her heart out. We adopted her from a breeder in Arkansas and drove past Little Rock to get her. Chelsea was in the crate with her, and the breeder gave Chelsea to us as a bonus. The two were fast friends and did everything together.



Where there was one, you'd find the other. She was a love... she loved to snuggle. She would get right up behind my backrest and just snuggle against my back... and she would crawl right next to Steve when he came home from work and sat down in the living room. She love to have her belly rubbed, and she hated baths. She had a very inquisitive look about her and was interested in absolutely everything. Jason would come running through the room (on purpose) and Sophie was in hot pursuit, barking and running after him until he changed direction and ran after her. She loved that game. She didn't let Jason hold her much, but she didn't let me hold her much either. She was funny that way. Snuggling was to be done on HER terms.



We don't know what happened to cause Sophie to get so violently sick and die. We've checked the yard and the house for any telltale signs of poison and have come up empty. I've cried my heart out for her. I miss her so much, I feel like I'll die from heartbreak. I firmly believe that there is a lesson in everything that happens to us. I have screamed out to heaven to tell me what is my lesson in all this. First I lost my brother in April of last year... then my sister in August (Happy Birthday Norma)... then Shelby in October... Gidget 6 days before Christmas... Tucker in February... and now Sophie. This has been a terrible year. In some ways, the year has been good, such as me going back to school and the boys doing so well in school (all expenses paid). But this... this is too much. Steve is having a hard time at work and now with losing Sophie. He loves her as much as I do. We are struggling. I guess every evil thing my siblings wished on me is coming to pass. All I can hope is that there is light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I'm ready to see it end one way or another.



Steve tells me that I have to stop beating myself up for Sophie's death and there was nothing we could do (we suspect it was parvo). Many friends have given me their condolences and one of them cried with me last night (thank you Alice). A very good friend of mine has told me that I'm a good mom (thank you Annie). I just don't feel like a good mom right now. If I were such a good mom, why would my babies keep dying? Steve says they are here because I need to love them and that I need their love in return. I get plenty of it, but it's never enough. Sophie gave me the sweetest kisses (except when she dined in the cat box and kissed me smack on the mouth afterward - YUCK). I still get kisses from Chelsea and Rocky, but my sweet little Sophie is gone. I wish I still had her. I wish I felt like a good mom. I wish so many things that I just can't see through right now. But today I feel like I can't or will never be able to leave this house now that there are 4 of my babies buried in the backyard. I don't know. I just don't know. My heart is broken. Again. I guess my lesson in all of this is to learn to let go. And I will... someday. But I'll never learn not to love an animal... especially one as sweet as my Sophie. I named her after my grandmother, because I know I'll never have a daughter or a granddaughter. Busia, if you're listening, please take care of your namesake for me. I'll see you both on the flipflop.



I love you, Sophie.

Mommy




Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta