Through the Looking Glass

I feel old. The face in the mirror is showing the ravages of time. My skin is thinning around my eyes and I see the dark circles that I've always hated so much. There isn't enough concealer in the world to cover them. An inherited trait. My eyelids droop. I don't know when that started but I don't like the effect. Another inherited trait. I haven't worn eye makeup for a really long time. I can't stand the stuff. I used to use it all the time, but for what reason? Whatever it was, the reason doesn't exist anymore.

I look at my chin... single. It used to be a double chin, but I've got it back down to a single. Back to the eyes... they look like the life has been sucked right out of them. I look tired. I AM tired. Tired of life. Tired of trying. Tired of being beaten down again. Tired. Tired. Tired.

My classmates can't believe my age, and sometimes I can't believe it either. How did I get so old? I go to my P.E. class and don't understand why my body won't respond the way I want it to. Aren't I still 20 years old? No, honey. You're not. You have to wear a heart monitor and not try to keep up with everyone else. I feel like a beginner all over again. I hate it. Why am I in school again? Somehow the answer escapes me today.

I hate feeling like life has passed me by. All I've ever wanted was a family, a home with a fireplace and a lake view. I have the family. I have the home, but no fireplace. No lake view. The view outside my house is not one that I ever thought I would be looking at all these years later. We have been fixing up the house, and it's getting nicer. But it will never have a fireplace. Yes, we have to move. Am I too old to move?

I color my hair... in a desperate attempt to be... what? Younger? I've tried coloring it dark so I can let the silvers come out, but somehow my hair always sheds the dark color and goes light again. Is there a lesson for me in there? Don't try to be what you're not? Hello, Void... are you listening? Do you have an answer for me? I don't hear anything in response.

Who would be proud of me? I know my husband and sons are proud. My parents probably wouldn't care. I want to cry. I think my grandparents would be proud of me. I'm trying so hard and I'm just so tired. I want to just lie down but I don't. I have too much to do. I know it'll be there tomorrow, but I'll be older tomorrow. Unfortunately, the clock doesn't go in reverse. That silly thing about "spring forward, fall back" doesn't apply to real life. What a shame.

So what, right? Who cares what happens to me? I look old and I feel old. I don't try to be young. I don't know how to be old though. I always said that I'd get old, kicking and screaming all the way, but I don't feel that way anymore. Growing old gracefully seems a foreign concept, but it's what I want now. All except for the weight. I'm still trying to get rid of it. I have time and the heat of this area working against me. I want to go home. I want to breathe clean air. I want to have clean water to drink.

And dammit, I want that home with a fireplace on a lake.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Making Friends With Aging

For years now, I have been battling the onset of sudden aging, and to my regret, I am losing the battle. However, in conceding, I must survey the damage to see what has been done and what can changes can be made in the future so as to live the best life.

For example, what can be made of the graying of the hair? Certainly I can and do color it, but wish that it would all go white so I could just let nature take over. I have my mother's white streak on the right side (hers was on the left). If all my hair were gray or white, it would be a badge of honor. But noooooo... mine has decided to come in little spurts. A little here, a little there, a huge streak THERE! So for now, I guess I have to contend with the monthly colorings. Maybe I should just go platinum.

What about wrinkles? Yes, unfortunately, I have them. And they are, of course, right where I don't want them... under my eyes. I would have gladly succumbed to laugh lines (crow's feet), but this is difficult. I have to be very careful how much concealer I put in this area, because too much of it will show the wrinkles further! They don't show on a regular basis, but when I laugh or smile, there they are! So I'm guessing that as my weight goes down, as long as good nutrition and skin care remain the order of the day, this problem will get better. But it's a guess. Maybe I should laugh with my head thrown back so no one notices. They will think "what a great laugh". But what about the dark circles? Unfortunately, this is genetic, and will never go away. My mother had them, as do some of my cousins, and my firstborn son. Whenever I have a sinus infection, the circles deepen. Ugh! Talk about adding insult to injury! Other people tell me they don't notice it, but I notice my skin thinning, as the blue vein under my eyes becomes more pronounced. Thank God for Maybelline.

I notice the elasticity of my skin failing and sagging... Hurry, before my face hits the floor! Losing weight does help a little, as does weight training, which of course I have not started. I am using yoga right now to ease my transition from sedentary to active. Is it working? Well... not on my face. Not yet anyway. It's too soon to tell, since all I've taken off so far is about 7 pounds. But I look at my driver's license, which was renewed only 3 years ago during a period when I was working out heavily, and I look too healthy for words. Scary.

Maybe with the onset of spring weather, I will make the transition complete and add cardio and weight training to my yoga regimen. That's the plan. There are no quick fixes for this. I don't have money for a facelift, nor would I get one if I had it. I will never have a tummy tuck or liposuction. For now I have to sit back and accept that this body of mine is all I've got, whether it works or not, and do the best I can with what I've been given. It's too bad I didn't appreciate good health when I had it. Maybe I can get someone to paint a Dorian Gray portrait of me and that'll make all this go away. Think it'll work? Nah, I didn't think so either.

So will I accept aging and become a funky old lady? What choice do I have? I will still take care of myself and put on a face daily. But you know what I noticed? My makeup doesn't have to be heavy anymore. My hairstyle doesn't have to be severe. My body doesn't have to be perfect. And maybe, just maybe, I'll don hats and wear purple. Maybe I'll get back to some of my hobbies that have been put on a shelf during my years of child-rearing and working in the corporate world. There is value in sewing, quilting and crocheting as a means to achieve peace. And maybe I'll just get a pair of rocking chairs and rock out.

Self-acceptance can be wonderful.

Nazdrovie'

Paczki Puta