Whatever Made Me Think I Could Do It All?

I have decided that I am making myself crazy. Okay, that's not quite accurate. My family would tell you that I've always been crazy, but then again, so are they. But I digress. Today was another eye-opener when I realized I was doing what I always did... taking on too much and stressing about it.

I thought when I joined Phi Theta Kappa and became Most Enhanced Member that I would relax a little and enjoy the limelight. But the thing you don't realize about the limelight is that it is addictive. So I found myself overdoing it once again, over-achiever that I am. The problem with being an over-achiever is that you don't understand why everyone else isn't the same way. So you find yourself frustrated with being the one to take on everything, to do everything, to plan everything, and when someone else doesn't supply what you need to get the job done, it's incredibly frustrating.

Case in point... I had decided (well, some people would say coerced) into joining the Honors Academy at Southwest and was convinced that it would do me and my degree some good if the words "Honors Academy" were on my sheepskin. In order to have that happen, I would have to get five Honors Contracts with my professors, which means a lot of extra work. Now, I've never been one to shy away from extra work if it will benefit me in the long run, but as time went on, I realized what had to happen in order to get all of this done. First of all, I would have to get all this extra work approved through the director of the Honors Academy. That meant it would not be work of my choosing, but something that had to be "approved". Not to my liking.

Second, I would have to have a place to run away and hide so I can do the work required. I had chosen to work in the Honors Suite, but after a disrupting afternoon in there yesterday, I wrote the director to find out what the rules were. He basically told me that if I needed quiet, to go somewhere else, which was a direct contradiction of what I had been told by my PTK advisor. So... I have decided to go back into the hallway and work there again. The problem with working in the hallway is that I am often interrupted by people coming by to say hello. Nothing wrong with that, and I love it when people think highly enough of me to spend their time with me. But it sometimes interrupts my flow. So even though it can be disruptive, I have decided that I will socialize in the hallway rather than the pseudo impression I now have of the Honors Suite.

Third, I am seriously thinking of abandoning an officership with PTK. Extra work... need I say more? Again with the disruption of flow. I chose my classes for this semester against the backdrop of not taking more than I can handle, and registering for those classes that would not only benefit my degree, but be entertaining as well. So why ruin it with more work? Do I really need all of that to get into the program of my choice? Do I need to get used to overburdening myself now, when all I really wanted was to finish and move on? Something to think about.

All of these things would greatly impact my home life, which is finally settling into... dare I say it... a nice FLOW. We all know where we are supposed to be and when, and who is going to drive whom to where and when everyone gets home. We know who is to get dinner ready and who is to do the shopping. We have rules for everything and I would be throwing them all into the fire, and throwing my family under the bus in the process. Since we have achieved a nice peace in my house, after all these years of trying, I am not willing to upset that peace for anything. We are all finding our way through the maze that is college and coming out with good grades and our sanity intact. I kinda want to keep it that way.

When did I become SO goal-oriented and SO used to being over-burdened that I was willing to sacrifice my family to keep being that stressed? My family needs me now an more than ever. My sons will only be with me for a couple more years, and if we don't build on our foundation, it's not only possible but likely that we won't be able to maintain our closeness once they are launched. Steve needs my support as much as I need his. The time has come to stop the merry-go-round and to travel in as straight a line as possible so we can have the security we have been looking for and needing for so long.

So... off we go, into the wild blue yonder. I will be turning down lots of opportunities. But it's like Steve and I always say when people try to pressure us into something, "it's not my problem". It's only hard to say that the first time, and I did that today. It will get much easier from this point on. So get ready for a whirlwind of "no's", World! It's a-comin' your way! It's time to enjoy my life and my college experience. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm letting miserable take a rest.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Why Suicide Is Stupid

I just got back from a funeral in my hometown and have a few thoughts I'd like to jot down.

My cousin's stepson killed himself last week by hanging himself in a closet. What a waste. This guy had the world at his feet. He was on a full scholarship, had a job, a girlfriend and a family that loved him. But that wasn't enough. He also had friends who adored him. As I watched them in mourning, I thought "What an incredible asshole to wreak this kind of pain on people." There are people who would say he always had a smile on his face, and he wouldn't do this to people. But he did. He went on a drunken tangent, wrote a 4 page letter, posted some goodbyes on Facebook and then checked out. Did he care about all the people who would be affected by his death? So some things didn't go as planned... so you didn't have as good of times as you did as a kid... so you've had some losses in your life. The meaning of life, plain and simple, is to GO ON!

There is no good reason to commit suicide. None. No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse AND if you stick around long enough, they WILL get better! There are enough good people in the world that will listen if you need a shoulder, and if you can't find any of those, there are self-help groups, books and government programs. You learn from it, do what you have to do and make the best of things, no matter what. I come from a long line of very crusty people who went through hell to be in this country and have the best life they could, and most of them lived to a ripe old age. What is it about today's youth that thinks life is too tough and that they have a perfect right to disregard the sanctity of life by killing themselves? What makes them think they have a right to hurt people this way? Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse is only a line in a movie. In real life, it hurts people. It leaves an indelible mark on their souls and a hole in their hearts that will never fully heal. Your parents are grieving. Your siblings are grieving. Your friends are grieving. Is this what you wanted? It was the most selfish thing you could ever do.

What an asshole. What an incredible asshole.

My apologies to any of his family or friends who read this. This is not meant to hurt you or destroy your memories of your loved one, but only to express my opinion.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta