The Hazing Continues

NOTE:  This is a blog post that I wrote on the 20th of January, 2014, but have taken down until I am safely out of the reach of the idiots that run the program I am in at school.  Enjoy.


I can't believe it is already the 20th of January and I haven't written anything about this semester.  Even though it just began slightly over a week ago, this semester is shaping up to be everything that has been promised:  The worst semester we will have.

My first week began with two practicals, an exam and a quiz.  I did fine on the quiz.  I think I did fine on the exam.  Can't remember if we got those grades back yet.  I usually write those things down.  Did fine on one practical but not on the other and have to repeat it tomorrow after class.  *sigh*  All that in one week, along with mind-numbing lectures, a group project this week (which are always SO much fun), an in-service individual presentation, and another exam.  AND I have been sick.  Sick enough to take an antibiotic.  AND we have issues with finding jobs and no money to speak of.

When I was young, we used to say "Say UNCLE" when we reached a point of surrender.  UNCLE!!!  UNCLE!!!  Wait... it worked when I was young.  Why isn't there anyone around to let me have some rest now?  Oh yeah... that growing up thing.  I have to be the grown-up.  If I'd known that being an adult was such a pain, I would have stayed a child... or at least tried to enjoy my childhood a little more instead of rushing to be a grown-up.

I can't help but feel that every semester has been an exercise in hazing.  The schedule is never consistent; we never have a schedule we can count on.  I keep hearing things like "you have to listen to me".  Yeah, honey, we only have to listen for another 30 classroom sessions.  Yes, we are counting it down.  I have heard it from a lot of people.  I haven't heard anyone say that they will be sorry when this is over.  For someone like me, putting me back in a classroom after being in a clinical setting is like being a caged animal.  I WANT to be out of school and get our lives on track!

I've heard some things from instructors and therapists in clinic about keeping in touch.  Honestly, after I'm done, it will take a while before I keep in touch with anyone.  My focus will be on getting a job and becoming the best that I can be for my sake and for my family.

I need my sanity back.  "These are the times that try men's souls."  Who said that?  Thomas Paine?  He was right.  I'm trying, really I am.  But I have too much going on.  I am starting to understand why people wander away from their lives and never come back.  You just get to the point that you can't take anymore and anything else feels like relief.  I will try not to wander away... but I make no promises.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Self-Reliance

There have been several times in my life that I have had to find out who I am and what I'm made of.  This is one of them.  After making it through school, being the first in my class to get my license and the first to get a job, and now the first to get my second job, I am faced with the knowledge that maybe I had it right all along.  Maybe I'm more than what I thought.  Maybe I'm made of tougher stuff.

The first time I realized that I had to be self-reliant was the day I left my parents' home.  The second time was when I left my ex-husband's home to be on my own.  And now I am on that road again.  Not the road to leaving, but on the road to the future, and on my road to self-reliance.

I am now in control of all the decisions I make and the choices I make are also mine.  These decisions will affect my family, yes, but they will be in the direction that I know I must go.  I have to make these decisions to allow my family to grow in wisdom and to flourish financially.  The first of these decisions will be in our moving away from Memphis to seek a better life elsewhere.  My target date is the middle of May, when Rhys is finished with his transfer scholarship at the University of Memphis.  He will still have a full semester plus a senior project to do, but he can do those at any university.  Jason is still unemployed, and so is Steve, so it looks like the way is being cleared for us to go.  Finally.

It's no secret that staying in this town has not been my choice.  Now more than ever, I have to make the decision to leave here count.  I am pursuing another job... this time, a travel job.  This will allow us to move our home base where we want to be.  And once we are there, I will look for a permanent position.  In the meantime, we are preparing the house to be sold, and tidying up all our affairs here.  It's time to take the path we are on and see where it leads.

Somehow, it feels easier this time, and harder as well.  This is a permanent decision.  My family will continue and we will thrive.  All the preparations I have been through in my mind are coming to fruition.  Our collective health is improving as is our financial health.  These are in my control.  My family is making life easier for me, as I leave to do battle every day with a collection of elderly dementia patients who test my very sanity.

My only job when I get home every day is to take care of myself and that, I do gladly.  I remember well how my own mother's body was all used up by pregnancies and a lifetime of not taking care of herself.  That will not happen to me.  I caught it in time.  Now I move forward.  WE move forward.  Look out, Colorado.  Here we come!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Finding Friends in the Darnedest Places - My Dear Friend, Donna

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away, in an attempt to get out of the endless rut I found myself in, I took on a new business of selling cosmetics.  In the process of furthering my business, I found that I had a talent for creating new faces and became immersed in a world of highlight and shading.  Someone suggested that I talk to some locals about doing theater work, and a job at Opera Memphis dropped in my lap.  This began a new adventure that was to bring some really nice and talented people into my life, one of which was Donna.

Donna was in the chorus at Opera Memphis, and even though I am somewhat guarded at times, I found it easy to talk to Donna.  She became a big part of my life for a time, and we shared a lot of really good times.  The opera can be very demanding, with the constant rehearsals, meetings, and of course, "Hell Week".  Hell Week (Donna's term) was the final week of rehearsals, late night (until 2 a.m.) production meetings, and the shows.  It was like going onto a battlefield for a week after all the preparation and strong bonds formed at that time.  We would usually load the show into the theater on Monday, with a tech rehearsal on Tuesday, and dress rehearsals on Wednesday and Thursday.  Friday was usually our day of "rest" and was the day when we would drag ourselves through our day jobs long enough to have food put in front of us before crashing into bed for the next 15 hours.  The shows were usually on Saturday, Sunday and sometimes Monday.  At the end of those shows, I gave a party at the P&H Cafe for my crew, and that always included Donna.   During Hell Week, I could always be found at the theater early, with a bread bowl salad from Perkins.  When I had enough of my salad, Donna started picking at the bread bowl, and I gladly pretended not to notice.  After the show, I would take out my famous paddle brush that Donna loved so much and brushed out her hair.  She said it was a luxury to have me brush her hair, and I loved every minute of it.

I was glad to do things for Donna and to include her in whatever my crew was doing.  It was easy to like her.  I often envied her easy way with people, and wished that I were as loved as she.  As our friendship grew, I found myself attending events that she was participating in, and doing things for her that I wouldn't have done for anyone else.  Whenever we went on vacation, Donna would stay at our house and take care of our pets.  She had such a kind heart that on one occasion, when our dog wouldn't go back outside, she let him stay in... and he never went out for the night again.  Thanks for spoiling him rotten, Donna!  :)  I would always make sure that I brought something back for her, or do something that I knew she would like.  I remember her saying something about loving Mel Gibson movies, and I had the entire Lethal Weapon series along with several other of his movies.  I put them on VHS tapes and handed them over.  The look on her face was priceless.  That look was worth any trouble that I had gone through to make sure it was a surprise.  Then, of course, she topped my gift with a CD called Voce'.  She said she was in a music store and this CD was playing.  She said "yes, Master" and bought it for me.  I was and remain so touched by her kindness and thoughtfulness.  Donna invited me to her wedding, and I gladly attended, praying that she would be blessed in her choice of a husband.

Donna and her new husband moved away shortly after marrying, and I lost track of her... somewhere in Texas, I think...?  We kept in touch for a while by email, but it was difficult to only have that tiny part of her when I felt her absence so keenly.  A few years later, Steve and I ran into Donna at Perkins, with her "new" husband.  I was so very glad to see her, but not knowing what kind of relationship she had with this husband or what her life was like, I didn't think much about it.  I wanted to keep in touch, but marriage changes people sometimes, and I didn't want to be a source of conflict, so I waited.  Then Steve and I ran into them again a few weeks later.  It was strange.  It was like we were supposed to realign our lives, but I felt like maybe it was a little too late.  I found Donna again on MySpace and then on Facebook, and followed her from afar, again not wanting to interfere in her life, but missing her so much it hurt.  I watched as she fought cancer, not once, but twice, and it tore my heart out.  Then I read how she could not take any more chemo, and I knew the time was right for my mission in life... to give comfort.

I visited Donna at her home, after she called and let me know it was okay to visit.  I wanted to help take care of her, because her husband put out a request for any kind of relief possible so he could get some rest.  I was glad to help, but I think my intentions may have been misunderstood.  I don't know, and it doesn't change anything.  After a week of visiting Donna every day after work, the message  came that her husband didn't want my help.  "Nothing personal" the note said.  Okay, I get it.  I had already completed my mission.  I wanted Donna to know that I loved her, and she loved me in return.  It was a perfect ending.  We promised to get together to play cards and listen to music, both of us knowing that it would never happen.  And honestly, over the last weeks of her life, I really wanted to visit again, but knew that my visit might cause a problem.

Sometimes when I visited Donna in the hospital, I would sit and wait quietly until she woke up, and we got a chance to visit for quite a while one afternoon when she was alone.  Donna and I talked about her prognosis... and about how she didn't want to leave her husband with the mess at home.  I told her not to worry about that; that I will help even though I know my help will be turned away.  I'd do anything to help someone in need, especially Donna.  Now I feel like the world just isn't right now that she's not in it.  I still talk to her every night before I got to bed.  And I still wish this nightmare would go away.  But it won't.  We will meet again.  And then maybe we can play that card game... and that music.  I've got something special planned.  Let's get together soon, Donna.  30 more years without you just doesn't cut it.

I love you, Donna.  Always will.  Please remember me as I will remember you, with kindness, a smile and lots of love.  And save me a seat at the grown-ups' table.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

I Did It!

PTA Graduation Picture 2014

I am starting out this writing with the picture taken at school last week with my lab coat and scrubs on.  Yes, I have finally completed all the classwork in the PTA Program!  Whoopie!!!  I am finally going to be able to do what I've wanted all my life... to work in physical therapy.  I have been released to go to my second clinical rotation after a week's break, during which time I will be cleaning house and start studying for the board exam in July.  We will be moving to the place we want to call "home" either right after my clinicals end, or after I take the board exam.  After that, Steve and I will be sailing into the wild blue yonder, wherever the wind blows us.  It will be good to finally be free!

Our sons will be moving with us.  Jason has finally landed an entry-level job in his field, and Rhys still has a year of business management classes to finish, but they are the classes that he can take anywhere.  So we will finally be on our way to having some fun and a sense of accomplishment in our fields.  Heaven knows, we need it.  I feel like the worst way to live a life is without purpose.  It has taken us a long time, but we finally have that purpose in mind, and have started making strides in that direction.  

Some things have to be accomplished in the meantime.  First, we have to get the house ready to sell.  Then we have to find a buyer.  There are a couple of rental companies who buy up houses in this neighborhood, so this house will likely become a rental.  No matter.  We will be out and that's what matters.  The inevitable cleaning out of 30 years of "stuff" will have to be done before we move.  I did a lot of that a few years ago, when I organized the attic, shop and gym.  

Oh yes... my gym is going with us, as are the rubber floor tiles that cushion my fall.  I look forward to having a place to workout that doesn't entail having to brave the elements to get to it.  For the past hundred years or so, my gym has been the detached garage in our backyard.  We have insulated it, changed out the rotting doors for nice new ones, put down a floor, put in a ceiling, insulated the garage door, and put in a window air conditioner and heating units.  It's really a nice area, but it's too small for what I need.  I'd like to have a nice open area of mat to practice kata and yoga.  It would also be a nice place to meditate.  But if we move where there are mountains or lakes, I'll meditate out in the great outdoors.  Problem solved.  

Will I miss Memphis?  Not a bit.  I have been ready to leave for a very long time.  Now that the stars are aligning in the heavens and the moon is in the 7th house, Jupiter aligns with Mars... no wait... that's a song.  But you get where I'm going with this.  It's taken a long time to get everything right so we can go.  There's a big wide wonderful world out there and it's time for new adventures.  Here's to having them!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Dead Elvis or "How Steve Destroyed New Orleans Without Even Trying"

I've been threatening to write this story for a while and it happened a long time ago, so please bear with me while I get the details straight.

When we were younger, we used to frequent the places on Beale Street when we came across a "head shop" called Tater Red's.  I didn't want to go in, but Steve convinced me it was relatively harmless, so in we went.  I was very wary of touching anything, but when I found these little statues, I quickly called Steve over.

What they were looked like skeletons with sideburns and Elvis hair, wearing an Elvis jumpsuit.  We thought it was really cute, so Steve bought it and brought it home.  He took it to work and put it on top of his computer monitor.  He got really cute comments about it and we really didn't think much of it except that it was a good conversation starter.  Then it got strange...

Steve suddenly had problems with his gall bladder and kidney stones.  He had his gall bladder removed and had several surgeries to remove the kidney stones.  I got sick... deathly ill... and when I was on my way back to health, my mother passed away.  One short month later, I lost my contracting job.  Bad things just kept happening, so we resolved to get rid of Dead Elvis, but how?  We looked up voodoo on the internet and found that to really get rid of the bad effects, we had to throw it into a body of water.  So one afternoon, Steve took Dead Elvis down to the Mississippi River at Tom Lee Park and threw it in.  "See ya" was the last thing he said to Dead Elvis.

A month later, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.  Coincidence?  Hmmmm....

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

An Open Letter from Dylan Farrow

I read this today and am so awed by her courage to speak out.  Her story is my story.  Thank you, Dylan.

"What’s your favorite Woody Allen movie? Before you answer, you should know: when I was seven years old, Woody Allen took me by the hand and led me into a dim, closet-like attic on the second floor of our house. He told me to lay on my stomach and play with my brother’s electric train set. Then he sexually assaulted me. He talked to me while he did it, whispering that I was a good girl, that this was our secret, promising that we’d go to Paris and I’d be a star in his movies. I remember staring at that toy train, focusing on it as it traveled in its circle around the attic. To this day, I find it difficult to look at toy trains.

For as long as I could remember, my father had been doing things to me that I didn’t like. I didn’t like how often he would take me away from my mom, siblings and friends to be alone with him. I didn’t like it when he would stick his thumb in my mouth. I didn’t like it when I had to get in bed with him under the sheets when he was in his underwear. I didn’t like it when he would place his head in my naked lap and breathe in and breathe out. I would hide under beds or lock myself in the bathroom to avoid these encounters, but he always found me. These things happened so often, so routinely, so skillfully hidden from a mother that would have protected me had she known, that I thought it was normal. I thought this was how fathers doted on their daughters. But what he did to me in the attic felt different. I couldn’t keep the secret anymore.

When I asked my mother if her dad did to her what Woody Allen did to me, I honestly did not know the answer. I also didn’t know the firestorm it would trigger. I didn’t know that my father would use his sexual relationship with my sister to cover up the abuse he inflicted on me. I didn’t know that he would accuse my mother of planting the abuse in my head and call her a liar for defending me. I didn’t know that I would be made to recount my story over and over again, to doctor after doctor, pushed to see if I’d admit I was lying as part of a legal battle I couldn’t possibly understand. At one point, my mother sat me down and told me that I wouldn’t be in trouble if I was lying – that I could take it all back. I couldn’t. It was all true. But sexual abuse claims against the powerful stall more easily. There were experts willing attack my credibility. There were doctors willing to gaslight an abused child.

After a custody hearing denied my father visitation rights, my mother declined to pursue criminal charges, despite findings of probable cause by the State of Connecticut – due to, in the words of the prosecutor, the fragility of the “child victim.” Woody Allen was never convicted of any crime. That he got away with what he did to me haunted me as I grew up. I was stricken with guilt that I had allowed him to be near other little girls. I was terrified of being touched by men. I developed an eating disorder. I began cutting myself. That torment was made worse by Hollywood. All but a precious few (my heroes) turned a blind eye. Most found it easier to accept the ambiguity, to say, “who can say what happened,” to pretend that nothing was wrong. Actors praised him at awards shows. Networks put him on TV. Critics put him in magazines. Each time I saw my abuser’s face – on a poster, on a t-shirt, on television – I could only hide my panic until I found a place to be alone and fall apart.

Last week, Woody Allen was nominated for his latest Oscar. But this time, I refuse to fall apart. For so long, Woody Allen’s acceptance silenced me. It felt like a personal rebuke, like the awards and accolades were a way to tell me to shut up and go away. But the survivors of sexual abuse who have reached out to me – to support me and to share their fears of coming forward, of being called a liar, of being told their memories aren’t their memories – have given me a reason to not be silent, if only so others know that they don’t have to be silent either.

Today, I consider myself lucky. I am happily married. I have the support of my amazing brothers and sisters. I have a mother who found within herself a well of fortitude that saved us from the chaos a predator brought into our home.

But others are still scared, vulnerable, and struggling for the courage to tell the truth. The message that Hollywood sends matters for them.

What if it had been your child, Cate Blanchett? Louis CK? Alec Baldwin? What if it had been you, Emma Stone? Or you, Scarlett Johansson? You knew me when I was a little girl, Diane Keaton. Have you forgotten me?

Woody Allen is a living testament to the way our society fails the survivors of sexual assault and abuse.

So imagine your seven-year-old daughter being led into an attic by Woody Allen. Imagine she spends a lifetime stricken with nausea at the mention of his name. Imagine a world that celebrates her tormenter.

Are you imagining that? Now, what’s your favorite Woody Allen movie?"

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

My So-Called Life at Christmas This Year

"You certainly are doing things at the last minute," my son said to me this morning when I told him that we were cleaning house today along with making cookies.  Is it possible that the irony of this statement is lost on him?  If anyone were to look at my life right now, they would be astonished to see the turn of events and how we are trying to hold it all together and still make Christmas happen.  Let me explain.

Last year, my husband lost his job.  After 10 months of looking, he took a job that was way beneath him, but he saw as what he had to do.  The job doesn't pay the bills, but he felt that he had to take it.  Then a few weeks into the job, he had a horrendous accident on the job, which could have left him dead, and took away our good car.  We still have the other car, but it's hard for 4 people to get around town on one car and keep the family going.  We're doing it, but it's incredibly difficult.  The accident left us with numerous medical bills, for which, thankfully, we have insurance, but I had previous medical bills for which there was NO insurance.  Then I had surgery in October for the issue that sent me to the hospital several times.  This time, I had insurance.  But even having insurance is no cure for the part of the medical bills that we have yet to cover.

Then there is school.  I am coming up on my last full semester, and I had no way to pay for it.  After I broke down in front of the administrators of the program, it was suggested to me that I file an appeal on financial aid so I can finish school.  I did, and the aid was granted, thank goodness.  But I still have 6 months to get through before I can find a job, so the saga continues.

I just finished my first clinical rotation a week ago, and have been busy being sick and trying to get the rest of the family well again, and making kielbasa, pierogi and kolache for the pre-orders I have for Christmas.  The kielbasa is coming out fine, but the others aren't.  I decided to cancel the remaining pierogi and kolache orders to take the pressure off me.  Good decision.  But I still have to make them for us, which I will do today and tomorrow.

"You certainly are doing things at the last minute."  I'm still astonished by the words.  Right now, I am taking a precious few minutes to write this entry, in between cleaning the kitchen and starting on cookies.  The only reason I am taking this time is to catch my breath.  I had a cold shower this morning because I let everyone else get theirs first.  I made breakfast, did the dishes, and started cleaning the kitchen before my shower.  I very rarely ask for everyone to help me clean the house, but it has become apparent to me that more than one person lives here, so more than one person is going to have to help, no matter how much they would like to sit in their bedrooms and play on their computers or sit on the couch watching a game.  Really now...
*I* don't have time to sit.  I still have Christmas to do.

I have been ordering gifts a little at a time.  I wrap them as they arrive, but there is no fancy ribbon making this year, and no To/From tags.  I am writing on the packages with marker.  Yesterday, I took everyone out to get new shoes.  When your shoes get worn, it's time to replace them, even if you have to use part of your Christmas money.  And then there are glasses.  Steve and Jason both need new ones, so that is part of their Christmas too.  *sigh*  There will be remarkably few gifts under the tree this year.  But I am hoping that it is enough, and that they understand how much I had to give up to make this happen.

Am I doing things late this year?  I guess the answer depends on your point of view.  In my eyes, I am doing them at exactly the right time, because now is all I have.  Once Christmas is over, life will go back to normal, and I can once again worry about whether or not we will still have a house next month at this time. I try not to worry, but I have to wonder why this is all happening now.  Hopefully, my husband will have a new job in another week, as he had an interview that was extremely promising.  So... fingers crossed for now. 

But why all of a sudden is everything so urgent?  Did we have to get to this point before we decided never to be in this situation again?  Maybe we have to get smarter so we don't have to work so hard.  At least the house will be clean.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

It's Always Something

"Well, Jane, it just goes to show you, it's always something--if it ain't one thing, it's another." Roseanne Roseannadanna

In my life, it seems to be exactly that, especially since I started college in 2010.  Every semester, I was greeted with a life-altering challenge that would have brought a lesser person to his knees.  Sometimes, I was tempted to look at the heavens and scream, "WHY???  WHY???  WHY???  Why NOW when life is slipping away from me???"  And it continues this semester.  Let me give you an idea of what I've dealt with.

Fall Semester 2010 - Our cat, Shelby, died.  It was in October, in the midst of all the pre-reqs I was taking to get into the Physical Therapist Assistant program at Southwest.  We were all devastated, but that didn't compare to what was to follow in the succeeding months.

Between the fall semester of 2010 and spring semester of 2011, my Gidget died five days before Christmas.  I was crushed.  Next semester please!

Spring 2011 - Another semester of pre-reqs.  Tucker had to be put down due to a spinal injury that made it impossible for him to ever walk again.  The pain lingers.  We still talk about Tucker almost every day. 

Summer 2011 - I was turned down for the PTA program and had to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  I decided to finish my Associates' Degree and took more classes that are needed to get a bachelor's degree in Tennessee. Then Sophie died unexpectedly in my arms on July 23.  She was only 11 months old.  In case you're counting, that's 4 fur children in 9 months.

Fall 2011 - No more fur children died.  Thank goodness.  But we were still reeling from it.  Despite it all, I had attended all my classes and kept up my grades.  Steve's boss is making our lives hell with cutting his salary and then losing health care.  I still hate that man and wish him all the evil he has visited upon us and everyone else he has screwed.  We rescued a pregnant dog which was brought to the shelter in the trunk of a car.  Great people we have down here... in the TRUNK of a CAR!!!  She was emaciated.  I fed her 4 times a day to get her strength up.  Five days later, she gave birth to 7 wonderful, healthy puppies.  The first one left in November, to a lot of tears.  The others followed in a couple of weeks, but we kept Toby and Bella, the mom.

Spring 2012 - We lost the website due to Steve's boss' conniving ways.  I graduated with my Associates' Degree and was accepted into the University of Memphis.  I decided to choose nursing as my profession.  I chose wrong.  Steve's salary was cut again for the third time.  I was encouraging him to find something else.  In the meantime, the scumbag who ripped me out of the expenses for the puppies, decided to accuse me of stealing checks from her (which was the farthest from the truth you can get), and she sued me.  She had people lie for her and the judge believed her.  That is the last time I help someone out.  They can all fend for themselves.  Blocked them all and have a little surprise for the instigator of it just before we leave Memphis for good.  Revenge is better served up cold.

Summer 2012 - Didn't have any classes, but Steve lost his job of 33 years due to his boss' ego and conniving ways.  We are still recovering.

Fall 2012 - A hellacious semester of nursing school culminated in hemorrhaging, causing a trip to the Emergency Room.  They didn't do anything to help me except keep me a long time and send me home with a pat on my head.  I quit nursing school and vowed to go back to Southwest to see if I could get into the PTA program once again.  I didn't think I would be accepted, so I kept on truckin'.

Spring 2013 - As I said, I didn't think I would be accepted into the PTA program, so this time, I was prepared with a Plan B and a Plan C.  I had started at Concorde's OTA program, and on my very first day, I received a text from Steve, telling me I had a certified letter from Southwest.  My response was to tear that sucker open and don't make me wait!  His next text said "Congratulations!  You were accepted!"  I waited until the end of class and left Concorde, never to look back.  In the meantime, Jason's trusty Toyota pickup truck took a dump and was gone forever and the former bookkeeper from Steve's former job lied during a deposition and we had to dismiss the case.  She'll get hers.

Summer 2013 - I started the PTA program, and Steve started a job that has taken a lot out of everyone.  On August 21, two days before the birthday that I never had, and just a few days more before the start of the next semester, Steve was stung in the back of the neck by two yellowjackets while on the job.  He passed out behind the wheel and our Maxima was destroyed.  So now we have 1 vehicle, where 6 months ago, we had 3.  We have no money to get another one.

Fall 2013 - This semester seems to be the worst thus far.  Firstly, Steve's job is taking 80 hours a week out of him and throwing our household into turmoil.  First, it doesn't pay the bills.  Second, we have 3 people who have to go to different locations every day.  Jason is looking for a job, so occasionally he has to go on an interview, which means more complications in our traffic situation.  Secondly,  It took 3 months for Southwest to get my financial aid in order.  I wasted a lot of time waiting in line at the financial aid office.  Lastly, I have to have surgery on October 11, right in the middle of my semester.  I can't miss any days, so it is being done over my fall break.

I keep wondering when life is going to smooth out for me.  I have other plans for my life than what I have been presented with here.  It's been a real joy (sic) to have to deal with all of this.  Sometimes I wonder if this is meant to scare me off (of school) or to see how badly I want it.  But it's always something, isn't it, Roseanne?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Once Upon a Lifetime Ago

Where to start...

Things have gone terribly wrong in the last 12 years.  I have been sitting here, trying to remember the last time I was happy... the last time I was really, truly, incandescently happy.  Know what?  I'm going to have to dig down deep for that one.  Let me tell you why.

I love snow.  Love it.  I loved it when I lived up north, and still love it even though I live in the south.  I have missed regular snowfalls for over 30 years.  I miss that period of time when the body slows down at night and says "For goodness sake, please climb under a comforter and close your eyes."  I miss sleeping deeply and I miss waking up refreshed.  I sleep best when there is snow on the ground.  Snow rarely visits where I live, so I haven't slept well in over 30 years.

The issue with my inability to sleep began when I moved down here.  If that were the only thing bothering me, it would still be a lot, but there is more.  I find Memphis to be a very hostile place to live.  For anyone.  The women are backstabbers and the men are boorish.  I have found very few people here that I would care to associate with on my own time.  There are the "haves" and the "have nots."  Period.  There isn't that wonderful mix of everyone trying to get along like you have in Chicago.  In my hometown, if you don't help people out, your car will sit on the ice and no one will care if you have to get to an appointment.  Here, it's every man/woman for themselves and screw everyone else.  Nice.

This is not to say that there are NO kind people down here.  I have found a Homesteading Group that I enjoy.  Most of them have the same values that I do, and we patronize each others' homemade goods.  We sell, barter and trade.  I do enjoy that.  I do not enjoy "no-shows".  I feel sorry for them because I keep a list of who has been a no-show and they will never get to buy from me.  Their loss, not mine.  I don't deal with people who stand me up... not even once.  But the majority of the homesteaders are not like that, and I enjoy not only selling and bartering with them, but I look forward to reading their posts and seeing what they are offering as well.

That said, there is a really raw element down here that I am not comfortable with, and will be leaving just as soon as possible when I'm done with school.  Have I mentioned that I'm sick of being in school?  Not yet?  Okay, I'll come back to that.  The element I'm talking about is the low-down, dirty, egg-sucking dogs that think they can do anything to anyone and it's just fine, thank you very much.  You people don't deserve to live.  You don't even deserve to walk in my shadow.  I'm so much better than you and I'll be glad to leave you behind.  You don't take care of your houses and you expect the world to support you.  No, you expect the world to bow down, kiss your ass and then willingly hand over everything we have worked so hard for.  Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like Congress.  But I digress, thankfully.

Yes, I'm tired of being in school.  I'm tired of pushing so hard.  My brain hurts.  I still have 8 months of this to go.  I hope I make it through, but I'm not even sure that I want to go into this profession anymore.  However, I don't have time for any more do-overs, so I'm going to stick this out and hope for the best... IF financial aid will ever fix my account.  What does it take... an act of God to get it worked out???  I've never had this much trouble getting it arranged and posted before.  I don't know who is to blame here... the University of Memphis for their "stellar" customer service in getting my transcript sent over, or Southwest Tennessee Community College for their "sitting on my brain" mentality.  Wish I had a job like that where I could just ignore everything and everyone.  No, I don't.  They can have it.

So when did it all go so terribly wrong?  Hm.  Twelve years ago, my grandmother and my mother were both alive.  My brother was still alive.  I had not yet gotten sick, but I guess I have to go back even farther than that to find the root of all of this.  I know that I miss the north, and I miss the northwoods.  If and when I ever get there, I will never look back.  I think the secret to being happy is to be the place you want to be and not have to constantly struggle to get there.  If you are living where you want to live, any other issues that come up are merely annoyances.  I have always said that I didn't know if I wanted to live in Chicago and wish I was in the northwoods or live in the northwoods and wish I was in Chicago.  I think if you are where your thoughts drift to, then there is a kind of peaceful completion in your soul, and you can go on to do great things.  Or not.  Just be.

That's me.  I want to just be.  I want to leave it all behind and go watch the northern lights come out at night.  I want to sit at the lakeshore with my morning cup of java and listen to the lake wake up.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to feel love in my soul again.  I want to enjoy music again.  Most of all, I want to just be.  Once upon a lifetime ago... I could do just that.  Simplicity.  Peace.  Silence.  That's just a little something I'm working on, so be gentle with me.  I'm doing the best I can.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

School Daze and The Lone Car Blues

Life has been tough since we lost our Maxima in a car accident a few weeks ago, but indulge me as I ponder the complexities we now face. Having only one set of wheels, when at this time last year we had three sets, is difficult on so many levels. 

Being without wheels has taken an enormous toll on my ability to participate in study groups and extra activities at school.  It's not that I want to participate really, as the classwork and studying takes about all the energy I have.  I study late into the night (an unknown for me) and then I go to bed, only to start it all over again in the morning.  Someone has to drive me to class in the morning, five days a week.  And someone has to drive me home.  Most of the time, Steve comes to get me, but that takes away from his new job and I feel bad about that.  Sometimes I stay to work on techniques that I have to learn for practicals.  I have a great lab partner that brings me home when we stay to work.  But that's not the end of it.

Rhys has to get to and from school as well.  He is on another campus in town, and his schedule is completely different from mine, so it's another delivery and pickup that Steve has to take care of.  That means more time away from his new job.  Then there is the matter of Jason looking for a job.  If he needs to go to an interview, it throws another monkey wrench into the mix.  Jason also ran all of the errands during the day when we had another vehicle.  That can't happen now, so it's being done in the evenings and on weekends.  It's an unusual circumstance for us and one I'm not enjoying.  You see, I get the brunt of everyone's frustration when I walk through the door.  


I'm not being blamed for our lack of a car, but when everyone feels free to dump on me, it makes it very difficult for me to focus on what I have to do.  Have I mentioned that my financial aid is STILL being held up because either:  The University of Memphis is STILL holding onto my transcript or the financial aid office at Southwest is doing their usual "sit on your brains" exercise.  What to do, what to do. 

I wish there was an easy answer for this.  We don't have money for another car and no way to pay back a loan if we took one out.  I have only 2 weeks until I have to make some kind of payment on my account at college, and financial aid should have taken care of it already, but here I am still waiting for it.  The only answer I have right now is that I have to stay in school or nothing will ever change.  We will never be able to move north and get that cottage on a lake, and we will have to stay here, with low pay and less than optimal working conditions.  Somehow it all has to work out.  I don't have any real answers, except to keep on plugging.  I need some help though.  Are you listening, God?

So here I am, trying to work through my frustrations without taking them out on anyone.  It's tough because not only do I not have anyone I can dump on, but I have to be the pillar that my family needs AND keep going in school.  I don't have much longer... just until the end of May and then taking my board exam in July.  But it's the getting there that is working against me.  Financial aid is a real problem right now and if that were resolved, that would be a major stressor off me.  Exams, practicals and assignments are all stressors as well, and I am doing the best I can to make all the pieces come together. 

All I can do is try.  And I am.  There is an exam tomorrow morning and I'm as prepared as I can be for right now.   I have a policy that I stop studying the night before an exam and give myself some time off to relax.  Then I go to bed early and get a good night's sleep.  I get up either around 3am or 4am, depending on how I feel.  Then I study for about another hour or so and get ready to do battle.  It's worked in the past, and all I can do is hope it works this time too.  But it sure wouldn't hurt to have an angel on my shoulder tomorrow.  Are you listening, God?

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Angels Among Us

I believe.  Yes, I believe in angels.

We've had it rough for the past 10 years, my family and I.  There have been family losses, job losses and opportunity losses.  We've had health challenges, financial challenges and emotional challenges.  Most people would not have come through all of this in one piece.  But we are not most people, and we are protected by angels.

Yes, I believe in angels.  If there was ever any doubt, it vanished last week when my husband had a life-threatening event and almost lost his life. Wednesday started out as any normal day.  Well, as normal as they could be since Steve started his new job.  This job has put us on different schedules and has become taxing on all of us.  Anyway, I said goodbye that morning with a kiss and my usual "have a good day."  What I didn't realize is that everything that matters to you can be taken away in the blink of an eye. 

Wednesday was three days until the start of classes, and I was looking forward (sic) to sitting in the financial aid melting pot for 3 1/2 hours.  Once finished, I was on my way to getting my parking decal renewed, when I received a call from a number I didn't recognize.  Normally, I will let those go to voice mail, but the prefix on the number had me thinking that it could have something to do with school, so I picked up.  What I heard next was not what I expected.

The voice at the other end of the phone was from someone at the Trauma Center telling me that my husband of 30 years had been in an accident and was in their care.  I was strangely calm, as if this was something planned and expected.  I listened as he explained what happened and my only question was "Is he alive?"  The answer was yes, and he was alert and somewhat oriented.  I could speak to him if I wished.  Well, hell YES I want to speak to him!  It was then that the story started to piece together.

Steve told me that he was at a client's house on the front porch when he was stung in the back of the neck by two yellow jackets.  Steve is deathly allergic to those stings, but I was still unprepared for what he told me.  He got in the car, started to drive, and about 3 blocks later, started to lose his vision and decided to pull over and call me.  Thank God that didn't happen.  Let me explain.

If Steve had been successful in pulling the car over and putting it in Park, no one would know that there was anything wrong and he would have died.  His blood pressure had dropped and he went into anaphylactic shock behind the wheel.  Since he did not get it to park, the car hit a telephone pole at what must have been a good clip, because it was severed into 3 pieces.  The windshield was smashed.  The radiator and fan flew out the front of the grill.  The muffler and exhaust pipes hit the ground.  The airbags deployed.  The car stopped.  If it had not happened or no one was there to see it happen, my husband would not have lived.  But this happened right in front of a school and there were a lot of people around him immediately.  Yes, I believe in angels.  If this had happened a half hour later, the children and parents would have been there and only heaven knows what kind of toll this accident would have taken on them. 

I believe that everything happened exactly as it should have for him to be alive.  There were people around him immediately, helping him and calling for help.  There were 6 ambulances and 2 firetrucks there almost immediately.  The accident happened close to The Med and the Elvis Presley Trauma Center, and that is where he was taken.  We just got health insurance a few weeks prior, and he has workmen's compensation because this happened while he was on the job.  He should have internal injuries or broken bones, but he does not.  Yes, I believe in angels.

Who else but an angel could have saved my husband from death by helping him to hit a telephone pole instead of letting him park the car?  His car protected him from serious injury.  (He is, however, still suffering with deep bruises and the pain from the airbags hitting his chest.)  The angels who came to his aid got help to him immediately.  The angels who manned the ambulances got him stabilized and safely to the Trauma Center.  The angels at the Trauma Center took care of him until he was released to go home, and they made sure I was cared for as well.  So, yes, I believe in angels.

If there was ever any doubt, take a look at the pictures I took of what is left of our Maxima.  The car is a total loss because there was no collision insurance on it, but it has forced us to make changes in our lives.  Look at that car and then tell me I'm wrong.  I have good reason to believe in angels.  Whether human or celestial, they saved my husband and gave me back my marriage, my focus and my perspective.  Yes, there are angels among us.  Sometimes they wear wings.  At other times, they wear scrubs.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

 P.S.  Thank you, Maxima, for your years of dedicated service to my family.  We will miss you.

Sometimes I Think... Other Times I Weep

I don't know why, but while I was watching tv tonight, I felt a little weepy.  I fought back the urge and realized how very tired I am.  I have had an exhausting 10 or 11 weeks.  I spent most of the time in school, in a program that I really want to be in.  But with that comes a great deal of jockeying in the household, not all of it good.

My family has had to take over everything during my summer semester.  That's an unusual thing for me to let happen.  Usually, I am the person who takes care of everyone and everything.  And even though I am still "directing traffic" so to speak, it still feels like I am letting my family down by having them cover the bases in my absence.  Now that I am on my summer break, I am catching up on all the myriad of chores I have let slip during my school days.

I'm a week into my summer break and still I have not had a rest.  Maybe that was the reason for my weepiness earlier today.  During this past week, I have been mending quilts, re-covering my dining room chairs and making kielbasa.  I see postings from other people about how they are going out and "partying", and I am still working.  It's not that I mind the work; it's just that sometimes I would like a respite from it. I never get to go fishing anymore.  I never get to go out, and I only visit people when it's forced upon me, because I'm just too busy to do it otherwise.  I don't even have time to call a friend back when she has left me a message several days ago.

I look at the plans I have for my life and realize that it's slipping away.  When I was making the sausage this week, I couldn't help but think of my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, my godmother and godfather, and all the other relatives that left this life too soon.  I thought of them doing the very same thing that I was doing right then:  making sausage.  To my knowledge, I am the only person in the family to carry on their tradition of making authentic Polish food by hand, in the old-fashioned way.  I smile at the thought, but then I think of the life my grandfather would have liked to have, and wonder if I have regressed instead of going forward, as he might have wanted me to do.  I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do, or am I just tired?

When I am tired, I get weepy.  Tonight is one of those times.  I know that I need a good long rest, and I wonder if I will ever get it.  Does everyone feel this way or is this something that only I am feeling?  In these times of reflection, I think way too deeply for my state of mind.  I am missing my family, and there is nothing I can do except go through it.  There are times that I feel like giving up, but what would that get me?  Just more unfulfilled hopes and dreams, so onward I go.  Maybe this is how my grandfather felt when cancer was taking his strength.  Maybe I am supposed to keep on fighting.  Maybe.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

101 Things To Do Over My Summer Break

Okay, so maybe I don't have 101 things to do, but I can get darned close if I try.  Today is my last day of the summer semester, and it has been eye-opening, so let's start with that. This past semester held some revelations for me:

Firstly, I had a "friend" whose true self manifested during this semester, and I have decided to do without her in my life.  It's not that I couldn't tolerate her behavior, but I choose to only have stable people in the Third Act.  Everyone has their ups and downs, but this one needs to be on Ritalin.  Enough!

Secondly, I really AM as smart as I think I am, and am hoping that I will advance to the next stage of the program to prove it to myself.  My gut tells me that I will advance, but there is always that chance that I won't.  We'll see.  Grades come out next week.

Thirdly, I have decided that if I don't make it through the program, I am not going to continue in school.  At that point, I feel like I would be beating a dead horse, and for what?  My kielbasa business is doing well, and I can focus on that.  So, no more school after this unless I make it through, and then I will go on to OT school.

Now with all that being said, today I have my last exam and a field trip to a burn unit.  I am looking forward to being done so I can focus on other things.  My house has gone to hell over the last 10 weeks, and I am going to get that back in order.  So, here's my list of what I can expect of myself in the next 3 weeks.

1.  Get old armoire and turn it into a quilt cabinet.  Actually, I have this one under control.  I am picking up the armoire tomorrow.  Granted, I have to rent a truck to do it, but it will get done.

2.  Make 100 pounds of kielbasa.  I have pre-orders of 32 pounds for this batch, but I am sure as these clients spread the word, more are on the way.  I have given out "tastes" of cooked kielbasa to several clients, with rave reviews.

3.  Get back on my diet and exercise!  This is a biggie.  It can't wait any longer.  I have my kitchen in order, so I can plan many nutritious meals.  A combination of great meals and progressive exercise will result in a loss of 3% bodyfat in the next 3 weeks.  That's what I'm shooting for.  Also, I want to make it a habit again.  I'm tired of exercise falling by the wayside and my health suffering for it.  So Step #1 will be to plan my fat attack on paper (tonight), and to take my measurements tomorrow morning.  I hate to see what kind of damage has been done to my body, but after I take the measurements, I will put that piece of paper away until I take them again.  No use in stressing about it.  Just suck it up, soldier, and move on.

4.  Mending, mending, mending... I have so much of it that I have to put it on the list or it won't get done.

5.  Re-cover 2 dining room chairs.  I can do it myself, and have in the past.  So 2 will get covered.

6.  Move more monkey grass.  I have been moving monkey grass to cover a very barren piece of our property.  The oak tree soaks up any nutrients in that area, and the only thing I know for sure that I can't kill is monkey grass.  So I will move some more of those buggers and hope for the best.

7.  Get to know my guitar again.  I just had my guitar worked on so it will be easier for me to play, and I want to take full advantage of it.  I need it after this semester of killing my brain cells.

8.  Get some watch batteries.  I have lots of watches, and almost all of them need a new battery.  Geesh.

9.  Get new lights for the front of the house.  The old ones look pitiful.  Time for some new friends.

10.  Refresh your memory on kinesiology.

I guess that's not 101, but only 10, but it's 10 big ones.  Anyone who wants me to make myself nuts coming up with the other 91 things, can write me.  I'm sure I can come up with something inane and useless.


Wish I could just take a vacation...

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Life on the Upswing

Looking back on my last post, I realized that I had better do an update or people will think I've jumped off the planet in search of greener horizons.  We have had a very rough ride in the last 10 months, but it looks like the fog is finally beginning to lift, and it is time to take stock of where we were 10 months ago, how far we have come, and where we are going.

A little background...

My dear husband of 30 years was abruptly terminated from his job of 33 years on August 15.  He was given a severance check of two weeks' salary with not a by-your-leave or a kiss-my-butt.  Looking back on it, he WAS given the kiss-my-butt when they refused to give him his unpaid vacation pay, which was to roll-over from year to year, as in their company policy... the company policy that they denied existed.  We decided to sue over the matter, and apparently, the truth can be bought, because their bookkeeper who wrote the policy lied under oath against my husband.  How quaint.  This is the same woman who spent her entire salary at the casinos, and filed for bankruptcy three times.  To say she was bought-off would be a well-placed educated guess.  I am sure that karma will catch up to them all in one way or another, and although I would love to say that I would like to be there when it does, I really don't.  Karma can be really ugly at times, and I don't want to be anywhere nearby when it rears its vengeful head at the "evil-doers", its characteristic three times for every wrong.  Good luck with that.

But I digress...  Where was I going with this?  Oh yes.  That's where we were.  Back on point.

As of May 12, 2013, we have three college graduates in the house.  Jason now has his Bachelors in Professional Studies along with his Associate of Applied Science in Information Technology.  It was a long road for him, and I am extremely proud of his accomplishment.  It took 10 years for him to escape the University of Memphis intact.  He's awesome.  I hope he knows that.  He is now looking for work as a programmer, so any of you tech-heads out there, keep a watchful eye out for this up and coming star!  He's coming for your job!  Ha ha.  A mother's pride.

Rhys now has his Associate of Science in General Studies and is going forward with his plans for Business Administration/Management.  Again, a very long road, but he has had the support of his family and sometimes the threat of a size 10 boot up the butt to keep him heading in the right direction.  This is the guy that his kindergarten teacher wanted to put on Ritalin because she didn't want to deal with a child who didn't know he had to sit in a chair for six hours a day.  What does she know?  I didn't let it happen.  This is the guy that his third grade teacher wanted to hold back so he could be a leader instead of a follower.  What does she know?  I didn't let it happen.  This is the guy that was shot in the back of his head while he sat in his Spanish class in high school.  I didn't put him back in the same situation.  This is the guy who never met a stranger and will be an asset to the life experience of anyone he encounters.  He has excelled even though his school experiences have not exactly been the gentle life I would have wanted for this exceptional man.  An awesome guy.  I hope he knows that and keeps on truckin'. 

Steve has landed a job after a 10 month search.  It's not the job he wants, but I am extremely proud of his willingness to step outside of his comfort zone to take care of his family.  And it may very well turn out to be something that he will love once he gets going.  I just want him to be happy.  One way or the other, he will be.  It's only for a year.  He doesn't have to work anymore after that if he doesn't want to.  There.  I've said it.  Eat your hearts out, all of you who are suffering with delusions of retiring early.  My husband will be able to do that.  How is that, you ask?  That's in the next paragraph.

I graduated from Southwest with my Associate of Science in General Studies and was uncertain of my path when I was turned down for a program I really wanted to be in and then made a HUGE mistake by going into nursing school at the University of Memphis.  I had to make a life decision, and fast.  I hate having to make life decisions on the fly.  It's not that I can't do it, but I would rather have the time to do the legwork and come up with a plan rather than think as quickly as I have to sometimes.  I went to Concorde to inquire about their PTA program.  They talked me into OTA.  In the meantime, Steve and a friend of mine talked me into applying at Southwest for their PTA program again.  Couldn't hurt, but I also did myself a favor by keeping my options open for OT at the University of Tennessee.

What ended up happening is a comedy in itself.  I was waiting for word from Southwest, but had to start the OTA program at Concorde.  I was in the very first class on the very first day, and got a text from Steve telling me that I had a certified letter from Southwest.  I told him to open it and he told me "Congratulations!  You have been accepted!"  Wow.  Unexpected.  Now I had to make another life decision and fast.  I searched my heart over the next 20 minutes (ha ha) and at the end of class, I said goodbye and knew I was going back to Southwest.  I felt like I had been on a rollercoaster, got off, threw up and got back on.  Ha ha!  There was a torrential downpour as I left Concorde.  I trudged through 4 inches of water to my car, but I didn't even realize my feet were wet.  So this is what it feels like to be happy.  No, this is what it feels like to be elated!  I have just finished my first full week of the program, and although it's only been a week, it feels like I've been there much longer.  We have covered a lot of ground, and my first exam (Kinesiology) is next week.  God help me!

So... where are we now?  On the upswing is the quickest answer.  After years of being tormented by Steve's former employer, we have hope.  The boys are doing well with their goals.  Steve is doing well with his.  I am doing well with mine.  We went from being almost destitute to having a bright future ahead.  It's been a long road, and there are a lot of people who have to answer for what they did to my family.  But we have survived.  And we have endured.  Now we will prosper.  Take THAT, Karma!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

The Parable of the Parakeet

I had a dream last night about a wild parakeet.  She was blue with white markings and loved flying around and singing.  She took a wrong turn one day and ended up inside a house.  The house looked suspiciously like the one I live in.  The owner of the house caught the parakeet in his cupped hands and put her inside a cage so she wouldn't get hurt.  She screamed in protest and flapped her wings wildly once inside.  When the keeper brought water and food, she bit the hand in a desperate attempt to escape the cage.

It didn't take long before the keeper noticed that the parakeet had stopped flapping her wings.  He went to see the bird up close and she would again attack the cage, trying to gain her freedom.  The keeper moved away from the cage, and the bird settled down.  The next day, the keeper went to check in on the bird and noticed some feathers at the bottom of the cage.  A closer inspection revealed that she had broken her wings trying to escape.  She had also stopped singing.  When the keeper tried to splint the wings, the bird again attacked.  The keeper moved away, hoping his distance from the cage would soothe her.

As the days passed, more feathers appeared at the bottom of the cage.  No song greeted the keeper in the morning.  The once-bright eyes had dulled and it was obvious that the parakeet was suffering.  The keeper brought her a younger parakeet to keep her company and lift her spirits.  Instead, she moved into a corner and buried her head in her broken wings.  She didn't eat or drink what was offered to her and made no interaction with the other bird.  The next day, the parakeet was found dead at the bottom of the cage.  Her once-beautiful feathers were now sparse and broken.  Her dulled eyes were open but her body was stiff.  

It was no surprise to me that the parakeet died after being caged.  The nature of the parakeet is to stretch her wings, fly around and show her delight in song.  When the nature of the bird was compromised, she gave up on life, after giving it all she had.  I am that bird.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

12 Steps for the New Year

New Year's Eve - A time for reflection and for making plans to go forward.  Everyone deserves a second chance, so this year, I have a major resolution in the wings that I have been preparing for in the last week or two. This New Year's Eve, my resolution is to be kind to myself.  It's as simple and as complex as that.  In the past, I have put myself through all kinds of trial in the name of "sacrificing" for the good of others.  This year will be different.

By resolving to be good to myself, I am narrowing my focus down to one thing:  Me.  It is extremely selfish of me to do this, and it's about time!  I have given freely of myself and I will be selfish enough to understand that you cannot pour wine from an empty cup.  I have to take time to refill the cup.  I resolve to put myself first and here are the 12 Steps that I intend to take.

     1.  No longer will I answer the phone or answer texts when it is inconvenient for me. 
          I have set aside a time every day when I will respond to those messages and I will stick to it. 
          My time is very precious and I will only use it to better myself and my goals.  No squandering.

     2.  I will eat well.  I am responsible for taking care of this machine and keeping it in top running order. 
          I will give my body top fuel and I will take my vitamins.  Change happens at the cellular level, and
          I will eat with the knowledge of how what I put in my body changes what goes on in the cells. 

     3.  I will exercise.  If I want the mitochondrion in my cells to have more oxygen, I have to give it
          to them.  If I want them to go through normal life cycles, I have to give them the right fuel. 
          Fat burns in a glucose flame, so I will stoke that furnace.  I will get stronger and more flexible
          as a result.

     4.  I will stick to my planner.  To everything there is a season, and if it isn't in my planner, it isn't going to
          be done.  I function best under deadlines and schedules, so my planner will be filled with all kinds of
          deadlines and schedules.

     5.  I will schedule recreation time.  Since I tend to put this last, I am going to put it higher up on my list. 
          Recreation may be as simple as playing a game or as complex as going on a vacation.

     6.  I will get up, dress up and show up.  It's important that I take care in my appearance and to stay
          current in trends.  This went up on my list this year.

     7.  I will take chances.  Chances are experiences that I will regret not taking. 

     8.   I will take time to laugh.  Laughter is medicine.  'Nuff said.

     9.  I will take quiet time to myself.  Silence is golden and I will use it as such.

   10.  I will guard my sleep like a jealous lover.  Nothing and no one will steal my sleep from me.

   11.  I will devote myself to my studies, knowing that every paper, every deadline and every exam brings
          me closer to my goal.

   12.  I will live my life according to how I want to live it, not how others expect me to live it. 
          I will eliminate whiners, energy vampires and negative people from my life.

Remolding my life is an easy task, but yet a complex one, and not everyone is going to understand when I start to devote more of my time to me.  But this is a new year, and it's going to be MY year, so everybody stand aside!  There's a storm coming and her name is Hurricane Lynn!

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta

Winding Down My Thank You's

I am up early... again.  I intended to sleep in this morning, but mornings are the best part of my day, when no one is awake yet and the quiet of the house helps me to center myself.  My morning coffee brings me comfort, and the silence is the most welcome part of my day, allowing me to gather my thoughts.  This semester is almost over... finally.  I don't think I have ever been so happy to see a semester end.  This one has particularly horrid:  nursing school.

I think they try to kill you during the first semester.  I say that because it's the only one I will go through. A good friend of mine told me something that last day of my pre-lab:  "These are the two WORST years of your life."  Considering all that I've been through in my 50+ years, I had to reconsider this path.  I don't want to spend the next two years in hell, after all, does any one of us even know if we will live another two years?  I certainly don't, and the chance of me passing away before my classmates is pretty high.  So... I decided to swallow my pride and change directions.  What I didn't expect and should have, is that my classmates would begin to ostracize me early on.

I have met some pretty awesome people this semester, and I have met some really rotten ones.  The people that surprise me are the ones I didn't think much of in the beginning, but have proven themselves to be worth my time, and the ones that I thought were worth my time turned out to be least worthy.  Interesting turn of events.  Perhaps they were only putting on a good face because they thought they would have to deal with me during the whole course of their nursing school experience.  Maybe.  Maybe now they are distancing themselves from me because they want it to be easier on themselves when the semester closes.  I have done it at times myself.  We all make choices, and they will have to live with the consequences of their decisions, just like I do.  It's perfectly whatever.  While I have a quiet moment, I want to take time to remember the experience while it is fresh in my mind and say my thank you's now.

Thank you to those in my class who stood by me during my time with you.  Elizabeth, Anna, Amanda, Jessica (all of you!), Cherish:  I think you are awesome people and will make great nurses.  Thank you to those who proved my initial observation of you to be wrong.  Carla, I didn't like you in the beginning, but am so glad you proved me wrong.  Thank you for being there and for all your encouragement.  I think you will be a great nurse.  Stephen, I'm still not quite sure what to make of you, but thank you for all your help and for making me laugh when I needed it.  To the ladies of my clinical group, I'm sorry you felt you had to distance yourselves from me, but I get it.  To the others... thank you to the ones who were nice to me, and thank you to the ones who didn't take the time to get to know me.  There were valuable lessons I learned from both groups.

Thank you to my family and inner circle for the support you gave me.  As always, you are an invaluable resource of knowledge and revelation for me.  You set me back on track when I felt I was faltering.  I think the most important thing you taught me is self-preservation.  When I am unclear about my path or what is going on around me, I am grateful to have people to light my way.  Thank you for helping me to realize that nothing matters right now except that I put my feet on the right path and enjoy the moments for what they are.

There have been many times this semester when I had to stand back and remember that I am the senior of this group and that most of the people in my class will live on after I'm gone.  It's sad in a way, but I am glad that I lived long enough to be able to see this clearly.  I have had several scares in the past few weeks, and I have to wonder if it's due to the stress or just my aging body.  Maybe it's both.  Whatever the cause, the cure is in front of me, and I am taking hold of it now while I can.  At this time in my life, it's time to soar instead of being tethered.

So on to the next chapter, as soon as finals are over.  I will probably not stick around after the last final, but let those who have bonded rejoice while I slip away.  It's a fitting end.

Nazdrowie'

Paczki Puta